Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Monday December 18 2006
No particular reason for this article, other than a bolt of inspiration after flicking through a copy of mojo. Given my love for all things analogous, I thought I would try and define each Premiership side using a band/musician. So here goes, some true, some controversial and some reeled off the top of my head.
ARSENAL- Like the Arctic Monkeys. Young, cocky, brimming with promise. Show all the hallmarks of stadium Gods, but time will tell as to whether they can achieve their obvious promise.
ASTON VILLA- Are A-Ha. Big for a small period in the eighties, hinting at a comeback, though you're not really sure where they've actually been for the last twenty years. You've been vaguely aware of them without ever feeling their presence.
BLACKBURN ROVERS- The Kaiser Chiefs. Typically Northern, stoic, formulaic. A couple of big hitters, but really you suspect they are punching above their weight.
BOLTON WANDERERS- 50 Cent. Seemingly devoid of any talent, completely misrepresent the genre. Yet somehow achieve huge success. Really you just wish they would go away.
CHARLTON ATHLETIC- Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. Went up the spout when the talented one left.
CHELSEA- The Sex Pistols. This one sticks in the craw because I love the Pistols. But the comparisons are irrefutable, possessed of a moral arrogance that grates with everyone except their fans. You suspect they are bound to fizzle out as quickly as they arrived. Managed by a pretentious, self absorbed tosser.
EVERTON- Debbie Harry (Blondie). Much more attractive in the eighties. Nevertheless, you have to respect their achievements.
FULHAM- Rod Stewart. Trendy for a time in the seventies, before they became substanceless playboys. Nowadays quite content with where they are with no further ambition.
LIVERPOOL- The Rolling Stones. Huge for about twenty years, but you cannot really tell why they're around anymore. Happy to dine out on their illustrious past but still have a huge fanbase. With the odd exception have produced nothing since 1990.
MANCHESTER CITY- The Foo Fighters. Inoffensive, some talent in evidence, but largely irrelevant. Fronted by a bloody nice bloke who made waves in the early nineties, which kind of prevents them from being annoying.
MANCHESTER UNITED- Oasis. Glorious heyday in the nineties, a few dodgy years thereafter. Ultimately you cannot deny their status amongst the all time greats.
MIDDLESBROUGH- James Blunt. Of absolutely no interest to anybody whatsoever.
NEWCASTLE UNITED- U2. Sickeningly full of their own self importance. Nothing to say yet popular, had a half decent hit in the mid nineties, but why they are considered such a leviathan is a complete mystery. The only difference is that U2 play to sold out stadiums.
PORTSMOUTH- ELO. Criminally under rated. A talented front man who really does not get the credit he deserves.
SHEFFIELD UNITED- Take That. Out of their ten year hiatus and back woth the big boys. You met their return with dread and horror, but really not as bad as you thought they were.
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR- Guns 'n' Roses. After a little success in the early nineties, they are now generally a complete laughing stock. Dozens of line up changes, yet nothing approaching success. Strangely still believe that they are great. Have been promising a comeback for years- it's never materialised.
WATFORD- Bruce Springsteen. You feel sympathy for them because they are a little misunderstood, but barring a decent output in the eighties, you feel they're not really up to scratch anymore.
WEST HAM UNITED- Chas 'n' Dave. Unpretentious cockney troubadours, kind of likeable but a little too much Tottenham runs through them.
WIGAN ATHLETIC- Jet. Uninspiring, bland new boys on the block. Thye really bring very little to the party that you haven't seen a thousand times before, but you grudgingly respect their ability to ween success out of limited talent.
There you have it, I'm not sure Hammers fans will appreciate the Chas 'n' Dave analogy. I am certain Man USA fans will not be flattered being compared to Citeh fans Oasis. Finally, if Axl Rose is reading this he'll be thinking, 'Tottenham? Man I really must be an ***hole!' LD.
Date:Monday December 18 2006
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