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Karma Police

I'm far from the most spiritual person you'll ever meet. In fact, I am perhaps the most cynical, brow beaten, world weary human being ever to to sport a hairstyle. I'm from the Noam Chomsky school, 'if you're not cynical, it's because you're not paying enough attention.' In fact, I would wager that Richard Dawkins and the ghost of Bill Hicks would probably spit out their mouthfuls of roast lamb and storm out of my flat in disgust at my rationalist world view should my fantasy dinner party ever come to fruition. However, I have always been drawn towards the theory of karma, what you give is what you get and all that. I do not know if I genuinely believe in its existence, or whether the small, misty eyed romanticist in me is just rather attracted to the idea that the arseholes will get their comeuppanece. If I do believe in this mechanism, then it is certainly not through any omnipitent guiding force, I think the law of averages just sets its steely gaze on all of us. Just lately, as the 2007/08 season begins to motor into gear, I have noticed several pleasing transitions that have made this season, up to this point anyway, the most enjoyable to date.

Firstly, the sanctimonious are getting it both barrels this new year. Number one on the list of sanctimonious over zealous idiots are, well, everybody and everything connected to Newcastle United. The myth of the 'hardy, loyal Geordies' all misty eyed and with a song perenially etched into their hearts makes me sick to my stomach. Having visited St. James Park on a plethora of occasions, I have never heard the volume raise above that of any other of the legion of moribumd Premiership grounds (including our own). What I have noticed are unintelligent, ill informed boo boys who berate their own side at will, haruang and spit on opposing players when they are stretchered off the field and demand instant success because they occasionally fill a fairly big stadium (check their attendances nowadays, it is rare that they are full). A club that has not won a significant trophy in living memory and spent most of their existance flirting with mid table in the top flight at best is NOT a big club and does not have a divine right to win anything. So imagine my delight to see two of football's most unsavoury characters in the shape of Alan Shearer formerly and now Sam Allardyce whittle away once promising careers with this soap opera of a football club. I almost feel sorry for Allardyce, having been given precisely four months to turn around sixty years of mediocrity, his job is on the line due to a bunch of fans so myopic you wonder if they have noticed that Ant and Dec are actually tossers and Newcastle Brown Ale tastes like carbonated donkey's urine (possibly extracted from one of the Magpies back four). Until I remember Allardyce's numerous fallacies and pig ignorant comments about the trend for foreign managers (ignoring the fact that the Premiership only has five managers from outside of Britain- four of them currently occupy the top five). His despicable violent tactics and accusations of poor little Bolton being the victims. How nice to see this odious little twat get found out and hounded out by the stupidest supporters in football.

Next on the sanctimony hit list are Liverpool F.C. The ever whining, ever pompous chatter boxes who constantly regail us about how Liverpool somehow 'belong' as Champions of England and beg sympathy at their every injustice but refute any suggestions of guilt on their part. For instance, Anfield quite rightly has a memorial for the victims of Hillsbrough and one I make sure to visit every year, yet there remains no recognition of the victims of the Heysel disaster. Led by the insatiable egoist Stevie Me, how wonderful it is to watch Liverpool's title aspirations vanish in January. Liverpool are in danger of forever overtaking Tottenham's infamous 'next year' assertion. Peter Crouch and Stevie Me have been lining up to blame Johnny Foreigner for their shortcomings, when a look at England's Euro 2008 Qualifying Campaign would confirm that simply removing their heads from their backsides would reveal the hilarious truth. You're just not good enough.

Of course this brings me to England. Usually my stance towards the national team is one of apathy, I don't care about them and I'm not going to pretend that I do in a vain attempt to kid myself for the benefit of a few tabloid journalists. But I cannot deny affording myself a little smirk as England capitulated against Croatia. With my own club appointed cheif scapegoats, I cannot deny that watching Stevie Me and Lampard yet again shirk a big game in the face of a technically superior opposition gave me a sense of smug self satsifaction. Especially as Arsenal had so beautifully taking Reading to the cleaners with an exhibition of aesthetically inspiring football just days earlier versus Reading. It was the night the 'you need more foreigners' chant was born and our timing was incredibly apt. Karmic you might say.

One of my chief reasons for my apathy towards England stems from the fact that I cannot suddenly pretend that Ashley Cole, Stevie Me MBE MOTM, Frank Lumplard and John Terry are likeable characters because they share one of my passport details. For all of John Terry's 'iron man' pretensions, what we have seen this year is a callous bully, so minutes after ploughing onto a prone Cesc Fabregas in a cowardly tackle, perhaps it was karma weaving its magic when Terry smashed into Eboue's boot and found himself stretchered off in a game in which he should have been sent off. Naturally, he whinged like a little bitch afterwards. I remember penning articles on here last season, pleading with Arsenal fans not to berate Ashley Cole. The plead was underpinned with a firm belief that Cole would see the error of his ways all by himself soon enough and that our intervention would not be necessary. So it proved, not only did Gallas ram Chelsea's murky attempts to blacken their ex lynchpin's name by scoring the winner against team evil, but Gael Clichy being awarded man of the match left poor Cashley with little recourse than to aim a petty two fingered salute at us. Anyone here offended by it? I found out fricking hilarious, while Cashley's game is lost in an ultra defensive mire and the man we swapped him for proves to be our best captain in years, Arsenal fans everywhere are laughing so hard that I think a few moderately priced vehicles are being swerved off the M25.

Climbing down from my soapbox for a moment, I look at the current (and I stress current, their is still four months of the season remaining) fortunes of my own club. This summer, journalists the nation over were clammering over themselves to witness the signing of Arsenal's death certificate. Having sold Thierry Henry and Freddie Ljungberg and made the unpopular William Gallas skipper, lazy, media fed idiots the nation over proclaimed Tottenham to be the new kings of North London because they had splashed out on the desperately average Darren Bent. Those with a more independent view of football might have seen an ailing Ljungberg, a shadow of the player he was, and an Henry who had become a caricature of himself, lambasting any team mate who dared not submit to his demands. He also had a sciatic injury, and anybody with a vague inclination towards sports science will know that sciatic injuries are like ex lovers. As much as you don't want to, you're always likely to meet them again at the most unseemly moments. Fast forward five months and Arsenal sit top of the league with Gallas proving himself a real leader, whilst Tottenham 'next year' Hotspur are looking up towards mid table mediocrity. (Those of you thinking I am jumping on the 'I'm glad Henry's gone' bandwagon since the summer, should consult this article here '' written on the 25th June.) Maybe it won't last, but at this moment, in the footballing world, the universe looks to be in perfect working order. Now, given the criticism and schaudenfraude I have dished out in this article, you'll have to excuse me if I wrap myself in cotton wool and lock myself in the house until May.LD

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The Journalist

Writer: Tim Stillman Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday January 3 2008

Time: 1:44PM

Your Comments

hahaha. Tell it like it is Dutch.
Wyn Mills
You aren't going to be evryone's mate LD (judjing by the article you care little), but I loved it. I hope it took you a effing long time to write because it is superb. Next time i see you in the Tavern a pint of the black stuff is coming your way.
great article. :)
A great read and my sentiments entirely LD! As you say it is still too early for our own smugness to surface completely but the first half of the season has seen some chickens (or should that be cocks?) come home to roost - and not only on the cheaper side of North London - though the Spuds discomfort is particularly warming.
Funnily enough if you go to vital spurs & read through their recent articles & then comments you will already see the 'next year' bandwagon starting, its quite amazing really!!................LD, the one issue I would raise with you is regarding Ant & Dec, I used to play pool with them on a friday night at a certain london hotel & they were real decent blokes. Can't say I know what they are like now, but even back then they were celebrities & they were genuinely down to earth guys.
Ashburton Gooner
If that's the biggest point of disagreement I get here AG I'll be very surprised. A jaunt over to Vital Spuds will also confirm that Berbatov was never that good anyway and they are better off getting rid. As for being everyone's mate, I'm from the school that if they don't like it, tough *****.
Little Dutch
I think we went to the same school. AG, they are the funniest midgets north of Watford.
Another good read LD.....never afraid to just kick it in the snatch. Is there really a school of tough ***** in England?
Nice one LD...very. Thanks for telling it like it is. Only one thing to shut the mouth of all naysayers....some trophies. I have been reading comments saying it is too early....etc...but as Wenger has started saying - the cup is ours to loose now. We have gone through everyone and I dont see us being bettered by anyone - except we fall asleep. I for one am counting on us winning the PL....add the Cl and any other cup to it. Apart from being proof that we have have arrived, it will convince chaps like Fabregas and Flamini to stay - they will come to regards Arsenal as being equal to the ACs and Barcelonas..this present team is one we need to keep. Gentlemen - this is the Arsenal Season....less cannot be expected.
To borrow a phrase from Gallas - we die together - a bit melodramatic...but i agree with the dude
LD, I'm sure you will have much bigger points of disagreement, but I thought I'd get mine in early before the real stuff starts!! I read that stuff about Berbatov as well, the best technical player they have had in years & apparently he's useless. Obviously a good football knowledge over there.
Ashburton Gooner
Excellent article LD and you are absalutly spot on about the liverfool fans. I work with few and they are constantly on about the past, all the tropies, hillsborough but ask them about heysel and they go all flustered and annoyed that you are draging "ancient history" out to throw at them. And does anyone know what the story is with RVP this newest injury story seams to be some kind of smoke screen but for what?
No clue there Armory. Wenger said 10 days bu papers are saying 3 weeks. I'll take Wenger's word and believe it's 10. What on earth is going on? He seems to have been lost
I don't care about international football either Goofle. I don't care because every time our players go for a game with the national teams they some backe indjured so scrap the f@#king thing please!
There's no such thing as Karma, sorry LD, only irony.You don't have to actually do something bad to get *****ed by irony. It's irony that makes us play with our 3rd goalkeeper, Hilarious, etc.Karma,nah, that's just another religious moral handcuffs to keep people in line. Religion doesn't evolve, therefore it gets outdated when evolution knocks.
"WHO CARES ABOUT INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL? " People who are sucessful at it.:p
lol touche Chelski don't get many calls to scrap it from your neck of the woods eh?
Give it to them hard LD!!! You are spot on! Same whining for pool fans and spuds back here in Kenya. About England, I never supported them since I grew up until today. Out of Africa I only supported Brazil and still continuing to do so ;)
Yes, african brothers have to support brazil as well. We're pretty much an african country, and 70% of our culture comes from there. Niko, didn't really understand what you said, is this like the "where did you hid the car" thing?
I have no idea what a "where did you hid the car" thing is lol - was just laughing at the fact that I can't imagine many Brazilians calling for International footy to be scrapped either.
it's the only thing we're good at . lol
BTW Anyone know if the BBC are showing the ACN again this year? cos it was enjoyable following it when they did.
And regarding Karma there must be something in it, otherwise why would we have witnessed both Fat Sam being made to run (hilarious) and Ol' purplenose being booted in the jewels this season?, just another two examples of a higher force at work.
nikolaijns, I would like to know which site will bring the ACN as I will not be in Kenya during ACN but in Canada where they suck when it comes to showing soccer. Only Setanta is better when it comes to soccer but they have not advertised about bringing any ACN yet. Trust me guys, ACN is awesome!!!
I can't give links out no more coastarian :( - the vital powers that be have deemed it out of bounds, but google hard enough and I'm sure you'll be successful! ;) the last competition was excellent with some spanking games.
Ay CoastarianGooner check out this one website and read for beginners guide. ><
Youngest in Charge
Really good work Tim. I take it Rocky is paying the going rate to have a top notch writer on his team ;-)
Well done LD! This is exactly how I've been feeling this season - a good dose of justice done so far. I don't hate Liverpool or their fans though.
Oh, if Capello decides to take the glorious England armband away from John "K(arma)O'd" Terry, that'd really mean karma perfectly at work. Speaking of Capello, the appointment of a foreign manager seems to have cooled down the blaming game for England's lack of quality players a little bit because those hypocrites have finally realised the irony of appointing a manager who doesn't even speak English. Doesn't mean they will stop pointing their fingers at Arsene/Arsenal as a scapegoat though. They will do so whenever the next bad result of a meaningful match takes place - which is a year away. Glad those guys can now shut up for a while.
Just thought you guys would like to have yet anoher laugh at the spuds; looks like the Rangers youngster has had a last minute rush of sanity and saved his career by turning down a move to the Spuds. Those guys, there comedic value to us should not be underrated.
Thanks nikolaijns and Youngest in Charge. Louisa, I'm sure most gooners have been feeling the same way. Also, can't wait for first Capello's selection of his squad cause I know am in for surprises.
Well written LD. The premiership today is everything the media and the rest of the spin masters, clowns of punditry and all tits alike did NOT foresee.
Bang on fella, keep em coming. Everything seems so to have panned out in such a deliciously perfect way so far this season. Long may it continue.
more good news, john terry could miss the rest of the season with his troublesome ankle injury. KARMA, i guess
Eerie, uncanny... but I can't help laughing ha ha f-ing ha! Oh did you guys see Fat Frank's pledge to stay at Chelsea cos he's so loved there? Makes me sick!
Karma, although connected to religion, is not religious per se. It is more involved with thoughts, actions and events.
I'm inclined to agree with you Kev (for once). However, karma is more of a buddhist belief, and Buddhism is a philosophy not a religion. Like I say, karma is a high brow way of saying it, but basically, what goes around comes around. I definitely believe that.
Little Dutch
Buddhism is a religion
Niente, it's a philosophy. It has no holy days and no deities and Buddhists are completely free to indulge in other religions. Reputedly, one of Buddha's last utterances before he died was, "do not create a religion around me." Buddhists are more like the Sophists, a philosophical school of thought as opposed to a dogma.
Little Dutch
Changing the subject, at least Wenger has confirmed that Vela won't be joining before next season. I couldn't ever understand why those rumours were started, it would be pretty pointless going all through the work permit route just to get him here 4 months earlier than we can anyway.
Ashburton Gooner
I see over at vital spurs that the moral majority are now going on about their bid for Hutton & the crusade to be the saviours of british football as opposed to us. Of course that was all before he rejected them, now he was never needed & is barely better than a pub player.
Ashburton Gooner
Off topic, but i need to get something off my chest. The prices we're BOTH charging for our Carling Cup semi final is an effin disgrace, do we not spend enough hard earned bangers n mash following our sides about. FFS. Half of me hopes we don't fill our stadium for the home leg, it's a joke. I can only afford the 2nd leg, what with trips to Milan and beyond to budget for.
Blame spuds for the prices. Arsenal cannot discount tickets without spuds agreement & like last year they won't agree to it because it makes them more money, for which they are desperate!!
Ashburton Gooner
Is that DEFINITELY the case though? I mean, don't we have to come to some sort of arrangement? It honestly wouldn't surprise me if it was a mutual agreement.
It was a mutual agreement this year based on the argument the two sides had last year, when Arsenal wanted to list this as a Category C fixture, but Spurs, who get half the gate receipts, wanted Category A, hence the compromise. This is also why Spuds will get 5,000 tickets at the Grove while we will still only get 3,000, which is out of order. I know its based on a percentage, but if we're not getting extra tickets, why should they?
Little Dutch
Cos the Old Bill've stitched us up again. I completely agree though. I sort've hope we're drawing when we go up to their place, i'm sure they'll **** it up somehow
Not everything that goes around comes around. Vanilla Ice still lives. lol.And for Kev's sake, what did gandhi do to deserve death?The guy was just a bald hippie. I only believe in irony or, "it hits the fan" philosophy.
At least you guys get to go... I can't even buy tickets from for a one-off as they never go on general sale...
Good point LD. I was wondering why Arsenal put the Spurs CC home game in category B (which is fair enough, it's the 2nd domestic cup we're talking about and we don't want people to feel "short-changed" cos we play Kids XI in that competition, people can't be paying the same prices for that as for seeing the likes of RvP/Cesc/Hleb/Kolo right?) and Spurs put theirs in their category A. I kind of explained to myself that they didn't have more attractive opponents than us on their scale while we got the big clubs like Milan and others to play against in our category A. Thanks for clarifying to us that it's all about money.
AFC85Lew, mate the stadium will always fill up because people like me, who are from Barnet and don't have a season ticket will always pay the asking price to go and be - as Maximus said - "entertained". It's the same reason why 38,000 turned up to watch the u18's last year - there's another 30 - 40,000 people out there who don't go regularly, and hell some may not even support Arsenal - but who will pay the money to go and watch Arsenal play because our brand of football is so special. £40 is the price I expect to pay to go to top-class entertainment in London and as long as Arsenal keep playing the football they do, Emirates will always be full - whether it's with Season ticket holders or people who don't have them. We're all Arsenal fans from London mate!
Oh, LD - great article chap. The most nauseating, self-masturbating tripe I ever watching/listened to was Liverpool v Celtic, both doing their best YNWA at each other.
LD, its still not really a mutual agreement. If Arsenal had their way it would still be a category c fixture, not category b. Arsenal's hands are tied on this one because of the spuds desperation for every penny they can get.
Ashburton Gooner
my argument is of course null & void at the moment because, like Louisa points out, the ticket's aren't on general sale at the moment. But if they were, I'd pay to watch us play anyone at the Emirates, with whatever team we put out.
AG - Our board isn't exactly innocent of that, but then again, we can't have it both ways, otherwise we wouldn't be able to wax lyrical about our superb business model, and i appreciate that. And Michael - fair enough. And yeah, that YNWA was pretty gut wrenching. Do people think we're trying to do a similar thing with the Wonder of You before KO at home? At least the Mickeys stole it from another British club/artist
I agree AG, I just think as it stands Arsenal can't be bothered to have the argument again and this way hardly works out badly for them. The difference in the respective club's valuations of this fixture is one of the bigger indications in the chasm in class and ambition between the two. Either way, I now have my ticket for both legs and, in the imeediate aftermarth of Christmas and having just booked flights, hotel and tickets for Milan, my pockets are feeling very light just now.
Little Dutch
LD, do you have a job?
Ha! I think it's pretty much essential for the travelling I do! But what I have in my locker is that I NEVER take time off sick, leaving my annual leave free to follow the arse.
Little Dutch
LD, How have ou paid approximately for booking flights, hotel and tickets for Milan? I'm just curious about it.
Probably with a debit card? Or Credit card for the airmiles perhaps?
Lastly LD, do you have a girlfriend? I'm guessing that unless she's as big a fan as you are, she's not going to be best pleased with all your annual leave spent following Arsenal around? Although thinking about it, Milan away? I suppose that one could be sold to the other half....
At this time of year, it's credit card all the way. I don't really want for much, music is pretty much the only other thing I spend money on. Airmiles play a part and a discount membership on ibis hotels all adds up. michael, luckily for me, she's very understanding!
Little Dutch
Err, what you need to make clear to them Mike, is that Arsenal were there long before they were, and i'm sure they were his 1st love.
fair enough!
A guy I go with has been divorced for some years now, so whenever anyone asks him about his marital status, he replies every time, without fail, "I'm eleven men."
Little Dutch
LOL To be precise he's not only married to 11 men, but also got 11 mistresses in our CC Kids XI! Off topic - have you guys seen those David Beckham pictures in training at Colney? Weird to see him in an Arsenal No. 23 training kit. Eerie.
Louisa- Links please. I'm too lazy to search for them
Here you go -
Hardly a surprise none of you care about the Internationals, other than the French games of course.
Blue is the colour
Oh dear, yawwwwnnn. Mug.
Was that meant to be an insult?
Little Dutch
Great read - and so true. Particularly the Spurs mob. They have already started telling us they will finish higher than Villa next year - great isn't it!!! Shame Jol is not still in charge - they may have a half decent manger in Ramos! Keep up the good work.
CLVilla, Aston Villa will be a lot better than the spuds next season. You have better young players than them (Young & Agbonlahor are superb), you have a manager that knows what he is doing & has proven that at different clubs & clubs with a completely different status (Leicester & Celtic). Ramos has achieved nothing at any club apart from Sevilla where he inherited a great young team. At the present time spuds are living on the new manager effect which has helped them, but give it a few months & they will be back to their usual rubbish. I seriously doubt that Ramos had ever heard of Gunter from Cardiff & probably didn't know much about Hutton at Rangers either, so it proves he isn't even making the signings for them.
Ashburton Gooner
AG - good points well made. I was sure he would be bringing in Spanish players so young Welsh and Scottish players are a surprise. If he does go to Spain, they will fail miserably. Taking away Torres, which Spanish players have excelled in the PL? I know I sound a bit sycophantic, but for years now your team has been the best to watch. I remember you thrashing Portsmouth at their place and the whole Pompey crowd applauding everything you did. Those are real fans - able to accept that someone might actually be better than them and making the most of watching scintillating football. Please win the League this year!!!!
Those arguing about Buddhism please take a look at this link . It ain't a religion.
buddhism looks kinda of cool, but the big statues are kind of...scary. So i'm not it's greatest fan.
The big statues are the Chinese's fault however...Buddha died as an ascetic, but to make it appealing to the Chinese they made Buddha fat and big to look rich.
Can't see any team managed by O'Neill making it all the way, he builds his sides around a big forward man too much. Still, better than the yids.
O'neill done well at Wycombe, Leicester & achieved everything you could possible expect of him at Celtic. Villa aren't just playing long ball's nowdays because he has better players than that, & whilst Carew is a big target man, he also has a lot more to his game than a John Hartson etc. I think next season will tell us a lot more about Martin O'Neill & what he can achieve, however they will still finish above the spuds.
Ashburton Gooner
I see , entropy. The chinese, those capitalist pigs! I am scared of every big exaggerated statue, it's a bit down to me being coulrophobic. Fat ladies with loads of makeup scare me as well. The only philosophy I follow is The Golden Rule philosophy. It's pretty much in every religion, essentialy the only thing that should be there, all the other stuff in my opinion, is to brainwash people.
LMAO entropy13 and k_chelski
Just to add to the origins of karma opinions, hinduism has karmic principles as one of it's central tenets, it also predates buddhism.
Who's the big boss in hinduism?
I dunnow actually, I never really paid attention when I was being told. The nearest I can think of is the triumvirate of Brahma-Vishnu-Shiva, but don't hold me to that !

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