The New Adventures of Lassie
According to Skysports.com, Lassana Diarra, the young midfielder with a patience that is even shorter than he is, has agreed a three-and-a-half year deal with Portsmouth.
After spending a grand total of juuuuust over half a season at Arsenal, young master Diarra though he should be an automatic choice, and promptly stomped around all flatfooted, sticking out his lower lip in super-sulky stylee, folding his arms, chucking himself on the floor, and throwing toys out of his pram. He then made himself so excited with all that commotion that he then sicked all over himself. Silly boy.
The upshot of all that was, that he was so embarrassed that all his teammates and friends saw his jumper covered in puke, and he couldn't face seeing them again, so he demanded a transfer.
So he's joined Pompey for a fee of around £5m. Just make sure you play him constantly Harry, otherwise he'll be setting sail for pastures new all over again...