As with all great pass times (or fill times as the case may be), football poses more questions than answers. Here are some of the noggin scratchers I want answered this week:
1. Who should I root for between Chelsea and Tottenham this weekend? Incidentally, would my preferred method of death rather be drowning or suffocation?
2. With Paul Robinson and Frank Lumplard reportedly likely to be substitutes for the Carling Cup Final, will the Wembley bench be able to withstand the pressure?
3. Chelsea play better without Lampard. England play better without Lampard. Why can nobody see the connection here?
4. Can Arsenal hold their nerve and go eight points clear against Birmingham this weekend? This could give us a huge psycholigical boost. I remember three years ago, Chelsea defeated Tottenham to go eight points clear, with Arsenal kicking off later in the day against Bolton and losing meekly.
5.Almunia or Lehmann?
6. Is having a night on the lash in Trafalgar Square really a good idea before a midday kick off away at Birmingham?
7. Last night, the returning Paul Robinson was serenaded with a rendition of 'England's number 1' from the Spuds faithful. Is this the first time Robbo has heard the term 'number 1' since he walked into McDonald's, before excitedly pointing to the picture behind the counter and shouting, 'number 1 meal, number 1 meal!'?
8. With Jose Mourinho now a distant memory, has Fergamoan reassumed his crown as the most annoying c**t on earth? Indeed, did he ever relinquish?
9. Just why was there no replay of Nani's kick on Hoyte seconds before Gallas took revenge on Nani? What are the BBC afraid of? Fergamoan doesn't talk to them anyway!
10. Just who was that wearing the Darren Fletcher mask last Saturday?
11.Wes Brown is reportedly turning down a £40,000 a week contract at Manchester United for more money. Is he unfamiliar with the expression, 'BITE THEIR F*****G HANDS OFF!'?
12. Are Barnsley better than Inter Milan?
13. With Bolton fans reportedly on the end of a rough housing by Spanish Police, why do UEFA never do anything about these sorts of problems unless they happen in England?
14. Did anyone else laugh heartily as Patrick Vieira got away with a blatant handball in the area against the Scousers? I wonder if Stephane Henchoz was watching?
15. After announcing a staggering £74.8m loss in 2007, how long before Peter Kenyon gives up on this ludicrous 'we'll break even in two years, honest,' nonsense?
16. Is anyone else really suspicious about this '39th game' malarkee? Scum Adore and his chronies have announced an embryonic idea to a public whose reaction was always going to be cynical to say the least. Surely they could have predicted the backlash? This smacks of an old political trick of announcing a really evil plan to an unsuspecting public, who predicatbly shout it down, before the authorities reveal a slightly less evil plan to a now mroe receptive public. The question is, what is their real plan?
17. Why haven't Newcastle fans begun their 'Keegan out' campaign yet? Five games into his reign, has he enjoyed the longest ever honeymoon period afforded to a Newcastle United manager?
18. What were the specifics of the deal Paulo Maldini did with Satan to achieve eternal youth?
19. Whose black cat did Robin van Persie run over? And under whose ladder did the hit and run incident take place?
20. How did Adebayor miss?????????????LD.