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Dear Jim'll Fix It

Dear Jim`ll Fix It,
I am a 24 year old Arsenal fan; I follow the team home and away and have done throughout my youth. Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed the first two thirds of the current campaign, the last third has been pretty trying to watch as my team have unbelievably surrendered a five point advantage at the top of the table to find themselves out of contention for everything. Or so some would have us believe.

We Gooners have watched on in agony as our hotshot striker had his leg virtually snapped in half, a series of generous penalties have been awarded against us, whilst those who trespass against us in the penalty area have been forgiven, we have seen referees invent new addendums to the offside rule to deny us goals and have watched on with resigned disgust as Chelsea and Manchester United try to outdo one another in the "horrible bastards" stakes.

However, we have a league fixture at Derby County tonight and, with three games remaining, sit seven points behind the leaders. So mathematically, we are not yet out of the reckoning. If United pick up one point from their last two games and Chelsea only pick up two, Arsenal can take the league title by winning their remaining fixtures. Jim, I would like you to fox it for me so that Chelsea and United, under the huge pressure of a compact title race and Champions League semi finals on the horizon, drop the requisite points, whilst Arsenal win their remaining games and win the most unlikely Championship title since 1989. You see Jim; we`ve had our fair share of bad luck with karma failing to credit our account in recompense. I put it to you Jim that Arsenal deserve for their misfortune to be rectified.

Not only would this see the old myth of "it all evens itself out over the course of the season" upheld, but the comedy value of such an eventuality really would outstrip anything that so called "logic" could ever offer. Not only would this silence a hypocritical, purple nosed old Scot, but it would also sufficiently stun a rather unpleasant Russian oligarch. Not only that, but the little boy down the road just got a new BMX, and he keeps cycling onto my drive to show off. Don`t get me wrong, it`s a pretty nice bike, but I`ve got a Harley Davidson sitting on my drive. Fair enough, it`s three years old now and could probably do with a paint job, but it`s still much better than a BMX!

So Jim, please fix it for me that United and Chelsea are subjected to the same miserable luck over their next two league games that we have been victim of and let Arsenal march to the most unfathomable, and let`s face it, hilarious title win ever seen in English football. After all, if Arsenal`s capitulation really was down to William Gallas kicking an advertising hoarding and then sitting down, surely Rio Ferdinand kicking a female steward and the Chelsea ground staff brawling with United players should be enough for the biggest twin capitulation in history? In fact, scrap the above. Dear Jim`ll Fix It, please fix it for me to have Chelsea and United docked ten points apiece. Yours in hope and desperation, Tim Stillman.

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The Journalist

Writer: Tim Stillman Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Monday April 28 2008

Time: 10:44AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
The comedy value in watching two dogs fighting over a bone only to see a third run in and pinch it is a high one. The thought that neither ManU or Chelsea would win at least one of their last two games is more sobering. But as John Lennon would have it 'You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one'
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28/04/2008 10:51:00

"Apocolypse now then" LOL ....funniest thing I've ever read!!!!
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28/04/2008 10:52:00

Kind of reminds me of a time when I was ten in my garden. My rabbit was happily galivanting around in the sun, when I noticed a fox sneaking up on it really, really slowly. It drew closer and closer to my rabbit, who was blissfully unaware of the fox's presence. The fox was probably feeling pretty pleased with itself at that point, until I grabbed a nearby cricket ball in desperation and threw it as hard as I could, hitting the fox right up the arse, causing it to scarper. Never underestimate the element of surprise.
Little Dutch
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28/04/2008 11:12:00

Haha! Cracking stuff 8-). I had a Manc in the office moaning about the referree this morning. Same guy was quick to point out, 'things even themselves out over the course of the season', a few weeks ago. Not so f-ing sure now is he. Was horrible to watch that game on Saturday though knowing that there was only a 1 in 3 chance that none of the buggers would win, lol.
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28/04/2008 11:21:00

This one funny article! :)
Fan of Blues
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28/04/2008 11:46:00

*This is.
Fan of Blues
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28/04/2008 11:46:00

Hhmmm, question is with proffesional whinging like that Tim must be arsen in disguise. I get it BMX, that must be Spurs right, clever stuff. Back to reality then. ..................................... Maybe next year. LOL 5 clear ............. and you f11 cked it up, 5 clear ............
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28/04/2008 12:08:00

If only we had won 2 of the many horrible, unlucky, controversial draws we have had recently (boro, birmingham, Wigan, Liverpool) Or got at least draws against the big 2 then we would be looking good to win the league. Realistically i can see Newcastle getting a draw against Chelsea at home and even Bolton getting a draw at Chelsea as they look to avoid the drop. It is then possible that Man U fail to win at Wigan but very difficult to see West ham get anything from Old Trafford.
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28/04/2008 12:16:00

If lady luck is looking down on me, Please let us win the league. My sunday league team finished 2nd and we lost in the cup final. Also above i meant top 2, not Big 2.
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28/04/2008 12:19:00

JIM FIXED IT FOR ME........... :-) This morning saw Carlo Ancelotti weeping into his cereal as Mathieu Flamini silenced the critics by finally putting pen to paper and signing a long term deal with Arsenal. The midfielder says he always had every intention of signing and was merely holding out because he enjoyed seeing himself in the press................. Well, if the above is possible, we can hope for anything.
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28/04/2008 12:57:00

Excellent stuff... there is only one way Jim is gonna fix it though LD - and that's if he reicarnates as Goonerchef and cooks lasagne for the Chavs and Mancs over the next fortnight!!
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28/04/2008 12:58:00

well you can see them dropping some points,but i know that one of them will get the required win to take the league,but it would be funny to sneak in off the rail and pinch it from under their noses,especially as the wise men from sky dont even have us in the equation.
fran merida
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28/04/2008 13:46:00

lol You just never know what Jim will fix, or break..
Lou the Gunneress
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28/04/2008 14:00:00

LOL!! Thanks for that great laugh, LD! The only "good" thing about the game on Saturday was watching these two supposedly superior English teams with "genuine championship grit, character and mental strength" show the whole world what a bunch of rotten, spoiled, whining, brats they all are--and to see them getting all the bad press for their conduct rather than us. And then to see Fergie descend into new depths of hypocrisy that beggared belief!! Are either one of those potential champions anything for English football to be proud of after that display? Extraordinary how Man United consistently shows what a bunch of indisciplined, thuggish, bad losers they are yet that reputation never sticks to them like it does with us. In their loss at Bolton this season even the commentators mentioned how every decision by the ref was met with Utd players surrounding him with complaints in an obvious attempt at intimidation. I'm not crazy about the chavs but the arrogant sense of entitlement that runs thru the culture of Man United as a club and megacorporation stinks to high heaven. Hleb slaps a player, his season is ended. Rooney acts like a genuine, cynical violent thug throughout the game at Blackburn and none of it sticks to him.
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28/04/2008 14:05:00

It'd be nice to have the chance to get to the last game of the season and still be in with a chance. Strange de ja vu, I'm sure I've used these words before, 'Come On You Hammers'. 8-)
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28/04/2008 14:11:00

Great article Tim - love it : ) nice one.
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28/04/2008 14:20:00

Check out this hilarious "report" on why Luka Modric chose Spurs:
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28/04/2008 14:51:00

Me I see us winning the league. Only time justice would have been served. All of the lc due us this season saved up to come out in a deluge in these final games...
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28/04/2008 15:03:00

lc = luck
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28/04/2008 15:07:00

We're gonna take it to the last day...then our dear friend Mr Palacios will score the goal that wins us the title
Anon 1
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28/04/2008 15:51:00

Seeing as ManU never win against West Ham, Wigan's stadium is, well, not the best ground (to put it nicely), and they're not really in good form at the moment, I can see them dropping points. As for Chelsea, Bolton are fighting for their PL place and Newcastle are doing too badly anymore I don't think. Anything's possible, I guess. :)
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28/04/2008 16:17:00

Yeah!! Thats the spirit gunners. Keep the faith. Anything can happen including Man U dropping points as can be seen in their past few games... does that also mean their squad is not good enough LOL We dropped 11 straight points so why cant Man U
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28/04/2008 18:01:00

paulonhisownz-can you play football with your head stuck up your arse?????
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28/04/2008 20:39:00 really are a sigh.
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28/04/2008 22:20:00

Good come back paulonhisownz. You really put me in my place this time.
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29/04/2008 00:30:00

Watch the Battle of the Bridge:
Lou the Gunneress
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29/04/2008 00:52:00

the most unlikeliest of title may be extinguished, lunch time on saturday at old trafford. Other wise we may have to wait till monday at st james park. If results repeat from the fixtures last season newcastle v chelsea and manutd v westham, and we beat everton, We may just find ourselves back in the title race.
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29/04/2008 02:41:00

I like Arsenal shots phased take on the process of bringing the PL title home LOL
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29/04/2008 10:26:00

All the signs point to it I tell ya. Last time we won the league, Chelsea lost to Newcastle to help us, West Ham have ended United's challenge before and they did us a famous end of season favour in 2006, we've sauntered to the title before after home wins v Everton. The footballing Gods are stirring people.......nurse!
Little Dutch
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29/04/2008 11:00:00

spot on little dutch.....NURSE!!!!!
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29/04/2008 13:15:00

Good laugh there, LD. It would be hilarious if both teams were docked points.
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29/04/2008 14:20:00

UTD just rolled over Barca, I can really see them collapsing against Wet Spam. Just deal with it girls.
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29/04/2008 23:30:00

United rolled over Barca? When? Didn't watch their reserves game, I'm sure they were stunning.
Go ride your BMX, spud.
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01/05/2008 11:41:00


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