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Wenger Transfer Speak

I have always found it amusing how eagerly Wenger's words are latched onto during the summer months. Supporters take a stranglehold of the most innocuous utterance, grab it by the lapels and shake it like a polaroid picture, leaving Wenger's verbs lying shaking in the gutter, disoriented and confused. I have recently been re reading 1984 and some of the parallels are quite striking. So to save you the psychological slog of deconstructing Wenger's savy sentences, I thought I'd produce a pocket guide to what Le Prof actually means. Remember, ignorance is strength, war is peace and freedom is slavery.

'We are not currently in the market for anyone.' We are soooooo in the market for someone, but don't want to look desperate in negotiations.

'We are interested only in super, super class players. If any come along we are interested, but at the moment we find nobody.' We are going to sign a Mongolian 19 year old, he is having a medical and will be unveiled tomorrow.

'At the moment, I don't think we need to strengthen in this area.' We really need to strengthen in this area, luckily I have just found a 19 year old Mongolian to fill in. He is having a medical and will be unveiled tomorrow.

'Yes, supporters can expect at least one new signing soon.' We will sign someone at 11.59pm on deadline day and no sooner.

'He is under contract and definitely not leaving.' He will leave as soon as I can mug Barcelona off for a stupid amount of cash. His replacement will be a Mongolian 19 year old, who will be brilliant and this time next year will agitate for a move to Barcelona, whereupon I will mug Barcelona off all over again.

'We are in negotiations with player x and hope something will happen in the next few days.' We have absolutely no interest in player x, we are simply throwing Chelsea off the scent whilst we conclude a deal for the player we actually want. He is 19 and comes from Mon.........

'I am happy to go into the season with the players we have.' The squad needs new players, but I don't want to upset the ones I've got. I mean, wouldn't it be stupid to tell them they're not good enough?

'I am worried about any new signings killing my younger players.' I have made a bid for Joey Barton.

'We are comfortable with our decision to let player x go and wish him all the best.' We're glad to see the back of player x because he's obviously a twat.

'I feel he was a bit impatient because of Euro 2008 and so he really wanted to leave.' He is a dolphin headed, cry baby little tosspot who gave up being first choice at Arsenal to be part of a France squad that were eliminated in the group stage without him playing a single minute. HA HA HA! That'll teach you to mess with me, fuckface.

'He is a fantastic prospect with a good humble attitude and a desire to improve.' He is not English.

'We wanted to give Jens fifteen minutes at the end because we wanted to thank him and show our respect for him.' When I told Jens we weren't renewing his contract he threatened to headbutt me.

'We are delighted player x has decided to extend his contract with us and look forward to him having great years to come with Arsenal.' I am delighted player x has extended his contract. When he inevitably agitates for a move to Barcelona next summer, I will have those insufferable bastards well and truly by the cahouns and will mug them for £30m. Think of all the Mongolian 19 year olds I could buy with that.......LD.

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The Journalist

Writer: Tim Stillman Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Sunday July 20 2008

Time: 1:09PM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Haha, very good.
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 13:43:00

LOL an absalut classic.
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 13:57:00

Great Stuff as ever LD. Whose this 19 year old Mongolian wonderkid though? He sounds good. Will he get a CC place next season do you think? Will he even get a work permit? Don't we have to loan him out to a Chinese club for a couple of seasons? Frankly I'm a bit worried about this one - but if Arsene thinks he's alright then I suppose......
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 14:07:00

Oh mate, this cracks me up soo much, hahahaha
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 14:12:00

Lol, 'We have made a bid for joey barton'.!! Amos, i'm not so sure sending him on loan to a Chinese club will help much in getting a work permit...
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 14:54:00

LD that was DAMN funny!
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 15:53:00

I can see the headline on Caught Offside now " Wenger in for 30m Mongolian wonderkid - would be a great buy " - This could clog up NewsNow for a week if ti gets out
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 15:56:00

That said - I think you are closer to the truth in some respects than maybe you realise - excellent read
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 15:58:00

LMFAO! loved it! its nice to read somethings with alittle humor on here once in a while :-) great read !
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 15:59:00

LOL - I don't know whether it's because I've been swigging Magner's in the pub all afternoon, but I laughed more with each phrase. The Joey Barton one in particular was genius!! Nice one LD, brilliant stuff!!!
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 16:03:00

LOL :)
Adam Deuce
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20/07/2008 16:08:00

love the Joey Barton 1
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 16:16:00

LOL, good stuff LD. Despite all of them being in jest, some of them are close to the truth.
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 19:44:00

LOL yeah I guess it's got to be Joey Barton, now that Robbie Savage is semi-retired.
Lou the Gunneress
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20/07/2008 20:17:00

Interesting quotes from Wenger today saying Adebayor has denied "99%" of the quotes attributed to him. Interesting to know which 1% is true then!
Little Dutch
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 21:40:00

Where are these quotes???
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 21:52:00

I'm having trouble posting the link, but they're on setanta, "I don't know what has gone on because a lot has been denied, it is very difficult to know what is true and what is said and not said, he denies 99 percent of it. "I have never met many people who have said 'I do not have a case for a new contract'! We are always ready and I fight always to get the players the maximum wages but you have to respect the wage structure." Typically, this doesn't feature in the headline of the piece, the headline is something to do with our free spending rivals?! Did I miss something? Our rivals have bought less than we have!
Little Dutch
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 21:59:00

You mean 15 year old Mongolian, don't you?
Report Abuse
20/07/2008 22:36:00

Quite funny...
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 00:59:00

he shud go to spec savers
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 01:33:00

nice one LD.
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 01:52:00

and you should reading our vitalwebsite you bellend.
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 06:47:00

wenger does look like a ***** in tht pic , and most of the time
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 09:51:00

LD. Lol... Interesting.. more true than now in many of the cases and quite funny
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 09:52:00

Someone with a name like jess throwing out insults!!! Ha ha how ironic!!!
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 10:05:00

r.A, whats wrong with a name like Jess?
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 10:29:00

dramatic stories about arsenal sell papers End of.
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 10:40:00

"'I am worried about any new signings killing my younger players.' I have made a bid for Joey Barton." --- OMG, I almost spit out my coffee this morning reading that!!! Loved that Jens headbutt one too!
Report Abuse
21/07/2008 17:45:00

lol at the barton one! nice piece of writing from beginning to end!
Report Abuse
22/07/2008 09:25:00

ya he'll also try to pick a guy from the australian 2nd division and kazaksthan 4 tier....
Report Abuse
25/07/2008 18:37:00


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