Wenger Transfer Speak
I have always found it amusing how eagerly Wenger's words are latched onto during the summer months. Supporters take a stranglehold of the most innocuous utterance, grab it by the lapels and shake it like a polaroid picture, leaving Wenger's verbs lying shaking in the gutter, disoriented and confused. I have recently been re reading 1984 and some of the parallels are quite striking. So to save you the psychological slog of deconstructing Wenger's savy sentences, I thought I'd produce a pocket guide to what Le Prof actually means. Remember, ignorance is strength, war is peace and freedom is slavery.
'We are not currently in the market for anyone.' We are soooooo in the market for someone, but don't want to look desperate in negotiations.
'We are interested only in super, super class players. If any come along we are interested, but at the moment we find nobody.' We are going to sign a Mongolian 19 year old, he is having a medical and will be unveiled tomorrow.
'At the moment, I don't think we need to strengthen in this area.' We really need to strengthen in this area, luckily I have just found a 19 year old Mongolian to fill in. He is having a medical and will be unveiled tomorrow.
'Yes, supporters can expect at least one new signing soon.' We will sign someone at 11.59pm on deadline day and no sooner.
'He is under contract and definitely not leaving.' He will leave as soon as I can mug Barcelona off for a stupid amount of cash. His replacement will be a Mongolian 19 year old, who will be brilliant and this time next year will agitate for a move to Barcelona, whereupon I will mug Barcelona off all over again.
'We are in negotiations with player x and hope something will happen in the next few days.' We have absolutely no interest in player x, we are simply throwing Chelsea off the scent whilst we conclude a deal for the player we actually want. He is 19 and comes from Mon.........
'I am happy to go into the season with the players we have.' The squad needs new players, but I don't want to upset the ones I've got. I mean, wouldn't it be stupid to tell them they're not good enough?
'I am worried about any new signings killing my younger players.' I have made a bid for Joey Barton.
'We are comfortable with our decision to let player x go and wish him all the best.' We're glad to see the back of player x because he's obviously a twat.
'I feel he was a bit impatient because of Euro 2008 and so he really wanted to leave.' He is a dolphin headed, cry baby little tosspot who gave up being first choice at Arsenal to be part of a France squad that were eliminated in the group stage without him playing a single minute. HA HA HA! That'll teach you to mess with me, fuckface.
'He is a fantastic prospect with a good humble attitude and a desire to improve.' He is not English.
'We wanted to give Jens fifteen minutes at the end because we wanted to thank him and show our respect for him.' When I told Jens we weren't renewing his contract he threatened to headbutt me.
'We are delighted player x has decided to extend his contract with us and look forward to him having great years to come with Arsenal.' I am delighted player x has extended his contract. When he inevitably agitates for a move to Barcelona next summer, I will have those insufferable bastards well and truly by the cahouns and will mug them for £30m. Think of all the Mongolian 19 year olds I could buy with that.......LD.