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America's Guide To Liverpool FC

I had this emailed to me today, and felt in the interest of continuity I would post it as a guide to our friends across the water to what they were getting for their money when they bought Liverpool.

Jose (Pepi) Reina

Netminder with an impressive 19 shutouts this regular season. Save average of .854 in last five outs. Replaces New Jerzy Dudek as first-choice goaltender after veteran's series of high-profile handling
errors. Nicknamed after Pepi Le Pew, the cheese-eating surrender skunk.

James 'The Minister Of Defense' Carragher

Captain of defense and native 'Scouser'. 2963 minutes of field time with powerplay change-up stats of 5-6-3. Awesome displays in penalty zone versus aerial offense plays. Awesome displays at club Christmas parties. Distribution ranked only 245th in EPL. Note: communication may be difficult as James does not speak English.

Steve O'Finnan

Defensive cornerback/outside linebacker ranked six in division for forward offense running plays. Highly-rated change-up, groundspeed. 245 defensive tackle ratio. Proud Irishman: merchandising pportunities with millions of east coast Americans who are 1/64 from Cork. Vital cornerman, new shorts.

Sam Hyypia

Veteran centerblocker famed for aerial rebound ability, composureability, although lacks change-up, questions over groundplay v forwards with nimbleness quotient. Radical air with headbombs from
special plays ensures a conversions per season tally average of six. Hails from Finlandland, a country in Europe that is part of the 'Axis Of Pleasantness'.

John-Arnold Riise

Cornerman who regularly features in goalshot of the month sweeps with a left peg rated in top five nationwide for sweetness. Rookie, sophomoreseasons raised expectations of possible Hall of Famer status but recent semesters have seen the person of redly-challenged hair demoted to
bullpen on occasion. 7-6-8.

Gerrard Steven

Team MVP, captain and midfielderman famed for power running, pass accuracy, assists. Has dressed as center, right wingerbacker (offensive and defensive) and even as secondary power forward. Can rush goal or sit back in the pocket. Career high came in Pro-Ball showdown against the Milan Tumblers in Istanbul (believed site of WMD).

Craig Bellamy

Controversial wide receiver/goal forward rated division's third most likely player to face red card takedown in grudge slams. Lightning fast in joggy work down winglines, although critics question net targeting infield. Has switched franchises several times in career amid rumors of
all-star level jackassery.

Robert Bernard Fowler

Veteran strike attacker and all-time Liverpool Reds Hall of Famer. Once considered league MVP for shotzone rebounds and accuracy in the paint.
Famously flagged on field for displaying his tight end to opponent Graeme Le Saux, and for calling into question The War On Drugs.

Xavi Alonso (ITA)

6-5-7, 12, 468, 0.43, 0, 0, 0, 1, 0, 98632548, 1, 1, 0 (?), 0, 1. 0.3.

Jermaine Pennant

Wide receiver/running forward has rushed for over 1,000 yards in Liverpool Reds rookie season. Crossfields delivery success rate well into point-seven-ohs, play action, sprinty, jigglebomb, DUI. 6.662. Off-field activities saw him given bum's rush from Steve Bruskowski's
Birmingham Brums. Only soccerplayer on roster with a sensible sportsman's name.

Peter Crouch Jr

Power forward who could have potential if consortium moves into NBA. Noted for headbomb assists, ganglyhole, salmon leap, robotics. 0.673, runners batted in, three points. Traded several times early in career but has flourished under head coach Benitez at the Anfield Taco Bellodrome.




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The Journalist

Writer: Rocky7 Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday February 9 2007

Time: 9:18AM

Your Comments

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
trader
Come on ma, even as a Liverpool fan you've gotta find that funny. "John Arnold Riise" LMAO!!!
Rocky7
Funny
Monkey_c_Monkey_do
Birmingham Brums...hehehehe.
hatespur
Im a Irish Liverpool fan and i find it funny. Steve O'Finnan! Brilliant! I dont think the football365 website will find it funny though when they hit you with a lawsuit for copyright infringement!
artful_dodger74
What copyright??? I can't see any official Liverpool copyright anywhere on the article. Nice to see there is a Liverpool fan with a sense of humour though.
hatespur
ok, it was slightly amusing ;-)
trader
Does that mean Arsenal are all Muslim? Emirates etc....or do they have a terrible human rights record? There's nothing quite like stereotypical humour is there? Thank God!
gerrybeckett
WTF are you talking about?. The article is only poking fun at Liverpool in a small amount due to their new owners, but mostly it's taking the mickey out of the americans poor grasp of football, using american phrases that sound all too funny when conected with "soccer" Lighten up dude.
Rocky7
I found it funny. This is the second article about Liverpool this week, is this site turning to another vital Chelsea?
JohnDoe
since when does the origin of your shirt sponsor have anything to do with making fun of americans understanding of football, said at a time americans take ownorship of a club? Gerrybeckett - you are well good
bootoo
gerrybeckett is a humorless mug!
LondonGooner
JohnDoe, Vital Arsenal is not the new Vital Chelsea, we can write 'proper' articles too. :P
simmy8_2000
I only put stuff on about other clubs that is funny, I wont go out of my way to write an article taking the mick out of another team unless it's Spurs ..... lol
Rocky7
Rocky7, cheers mate, got something about Chelsea or Manu?;)
JohnDoe
The Headline is beautifully picked. It certainly descibes the article in a nutshell. All the American terms are wittily converted into the football terms. I cant stop laughing on every line. I give it a 10/10.
ndsurgical
LOL. Man, this is too funny indeed. Kudos to Rocky7
ducksworth
 

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