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20 Things I'd Like To See in 2009

2008 was an eventful year for this strange old game of ours. Inside the first weeks of the year, Kevin Keegan shocked everyone by rolling back into town at Newcastle and then surprised nobody at all by promptly walking out again. Tottenham have appointed yet another new saviour, just months after the last messiah delivered them a nice shiny tin pot. Harry Redknapp surprised the footballing world by winning the F.A. Cup with Portsmouth and then did his usual 'Houdini' trick and did a runner the second Pompey's funds dried up. John Terry became the poster boy for schadenfreude with his slip and subsequent teary eyed outburst in Moscow whilst United swept all before them. As for Arsenal, well Milan apart, it's all been a bit shit since Eduardo's leg shattered into pieces in February, but hey, it could be worse, you could be Spurs fan! With 2008 nearly behind us, this is a list of 20 things I'd like to see happen in football in 2009. Enjoy and feel free to add your own in the comments section.

1. If celebrating a goal with your own supporters is a yellow card offence, then taunting opposing supporters in celebration should also be bookable. Or better still, why don't the F.A. stop interfering and let players celebrate with a modicum of spontaniety? And if players taking their shirts off in celebration is such a heinous crime as to warrant a yellow card, then players should all be booked after the final whistle for swapping shirts. Alternatively, the F.A. should stop fart arsing about with insignificant rules like this and interject when it matters. Like for leg breaking challenges that aren't properly punished. Besides, watching football's an expensive pass time, why shouldn't women/ homosexuals get a little more bang for their buck and see the players shirtless? Better still, why not adapt Sepp Blatter's idea and have them all play in hotpants?

2. A Premiership Chairman appointing a manager that has served a decent apprenticeship in the lower leagues as opposed to the next big name player that retires. Are you telling me that Gary Johnson would have done a worse job at Blackburn than Paul Ince?

3. The Iraqi journalist who threw a shoe at George Bush interviewing Joey Barton.

4. Theo Walcott releases a cover of 'Anarchy in the UK.'

5 . Sepp Blatter rescinds all of FIFAs corporate sponsorship deals in support of his assertion that 'money is destroying football.'

6. Premiership Footballers fined £10,000 for every use of the phrases 'you know' or 'at the end of the day' in every post match interview with the proceeds going to charity.

7. Arsenal play Stoke City at home on the last day of the season. I'd love to see Robin van Persier relegate Stoke with a last minute thirty five yard free kick and then celebrate by mooning Thomas Sorensen. In his post match interview, Arsene Wenger's words of consolation for Tony Pulis would be, 'On this historic day I'd like to remind Mr. Pulis of a famous song, #Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, de doo, de doo, de doo, de doo.#

8. Steven Gerrard booked for diving. (Probably the most far fetched scenario in this list).

9. Jose Mourinho does a ten year sponsored silence.

10. Barcelona/ Real Madrid charged with 'tapping up' a player and forbidden to purchase anyone for five years.

11. Lassana Diarra retires from the French national team in protest that they don't play him every week.

12. The F.A. give the 'Respect' campaign a real kick in the pants by appointing Page 3 girls as referees. I'd like to see John Terry's reaction to being booked by a 21 year old Double D blonde. Plus, the prospect of a Premiership footballer being cautioned on the basis that "you slept with me and never called me back" is too enticing to dismiss.

13. Fabio Capello gives a post match interview through the medium of interpretive dance.

14. Joe Kinnear knighted for services to public diplomacy and broadcast journalism. Can you imagine the ceremony at Buckingham Palace? 'Which one of you is Prince Philip?'

15. Peter Kenyon admits, 'Yeah, Chelsea are never gonna break even. But as long as my pay cheques keep rolling in it's all luverly jubbly my son.'

16. After stiff opposition from Haringey Council to erect a new stadium, Tottenham announce a shock move to Woolwich.

17. Shock sex scandal emerges involving John Motson, the Queen's corgis, three ounces of pure uncut cocaine and the entire staff of Spearmint Rhino in Leicester Square.

18. Arsene Wenger offers to make peace with Michel Platini by inviting the UEFA President round his gaff for one of his 'special lasagnes.'

19. Blackburn Chief Executive John Williams mysteriously sacks Sam Allardyce early in the New Yer on the basis that, 'He's a bit of a c**t.'

20. Emmanuel Eboue scores the winner in the Champions League Final. Happy New Year everyone.LD.

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Tim Stillman Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Tuesday December 30 2008

Time: 11:58AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
21. Steven Gerrard emerges from his 6 month prison sentence professing his undying love for his old cell mate "Big Bubba".
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30/12/2008 12:07:00

22. Del boy to emerge from the stamford bridge dugout after removing his Luis Felipe Scolari mask.
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30/12/2008 12:14:00

23. Djibril Cisse goes to the barbers and says, "short back and sides please guv."
Little Dutch
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30/12/2008 12:14:00

24. Harry Redknapp moons the Spurs fans on the final day of the season after seeing them relegated to reveal a life-sized tattoo of Arsene Wenger's face on his ringpiece.
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30/12/2008 12:24:00

25. Arsenal to deal with a long ball over the top.
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30/12/2008 12:54:00

26. Damein Commoli given the freedom of Islington for services to Arsenal for the last 2 years. Darrent Bent - 16M. Still makes me laugh.
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30/12/2008 12:58:00

The world would implode and the universe would restore itself to pre-man if Steven Gerrard was booked for diving.
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30/12/2008 14:55:00

27. Manuel Almunia to make a lewd prank phone call to Russel Brand's Polish waiter.
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30/12/2008 14:56:00

28. Rosicky to play at least 1 match for us gunners or is that too much to ask for?
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30/12/2008 15:07:00

29. Arsene Wenger buys Xabi Alonso just 24 hours before Gerrard is sent to Belmarsh.
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30/12/2008 15:14:00

30. Gerrard is gets a sympathetic early release from prison after burglars strip his house bare.
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30/12/2008 15:15:00

30. Tottenham sign Micky Mouse for 20mil.
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30/12/2008 15:16:00

31.Wenger actually admits when his team played badly and gives credit to the opposition for a deserved win...he also spotted the blatant foul by Gallas/Eboue/Denilson and thanks the ref for getting the red card spot on.
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30/12/2008 17:30:00

32. Wenger signs a winger, central midfielder and a center back with the possibility of a new goalkeeper.
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30/12/2008 18:19:00

Oh look, here's jovial Tom to lighten the mood!! lol
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30/12/2008 18:28:00

You want jovial Tom? 33. For Rocky7 to admit he would run round without colth on ass if Liverpool won the league shouting from the roof tops "Suck on that Fergie!" whulst waving his thingy around in the air.
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30/12/2008 18:36:00

34.Wenger trials fabianski at holding midfield role
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30/12/2008 23:25:00

I would like to wish Tom14 all the best in his studies.
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31/12/2008 06:42:00

35 Wenger signs Jens Lehmann in the holding midfield role.
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31/12/2008 10:02:00

36. Wneger has a go himself in the holding midfield role.
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31/12/2008 10:35:00

37.Wenger plays with 10 men and plays no one in the cm role.
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31/12/2008 13:45:00

38. I build a time machine and go back and get Pires, Bergkamp, Wright, Henry, Adams, Vieira, Rocastle, Overmars, O'leary & Giless Grimandi in their prime. Ok maybe not grimandi
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31/12/2008 15:11:00

Paul if you do that i will marry alex ferguson!!
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31/12/2008 17:52:00

16 is a classic. 8 is what the whole of England wants to happen and 3 but with Arsene Wenger instead. 24 is also probably the most amusing thing ive ever read on here.
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31/12/2008 23:18:00

A happy and prosperous new year to one and all.
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01/01/2009 00:28:00

What ever you guy's are one can I please have some?
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02/01/2009 00:43:00


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