Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Tuesday December 30 2008
'They've kicked our backsides. Now we've got to lick our wounds'- Steve Bruce gives an unedifying image.
'That's Arsenal. They're either brilliant or inconsistent' - Jamie Redknapp shows why he's Sky Sports' number one pundit.
"Sky gets its money from prescription payers' - Martin Keown confirms that Sky Sports is little more than an opiate for the masses.
'I don't predict in football. But next week you will see a vastly different Norwich City' - Glenn Roeder predicts that he'll never predict.
'Fernando Torres' English seems to be coming on good' - Andy Townsend admires them foreign lads what learn to talk proper.
'I can't remember anything about my first-ever goal. It was against Oldham, Andy Goram was in goal, Alan Irvine crossed it for me and we won 3-2' - Ian Wright never really was that fussed about scoring goals.
'My past will haunt me until the day I die. For most people that day can't come quickly enough.' Joey Barton understands.
'He told me he wants to be in Europe within 18 months. Whether that means we're all going to Majorca next summer, I don't know.' Neil Warnock on his Chairman Simon Jordan's expectations.
'Technically he is the worst player I have ever seen in my life - and he knows it. He has no skill at all. We all have more skill than him.' Benni McCarthy champions the talents of Robbie Savage.
'I believe it's a big step and a step in the right direction.' Chris Eagles fools nobody upon his move from Manchester United to Burnley.
'Paolo Maldini can say he has done it all now.' Peter Crouch on the Italian legend`s visit to Fratton Park.
'Backsides and opinions, we've all got them but its not always a good idea to air them in public.' Sage advice from Wolves boss Mick McCarthy. Any chance this reached Sepp Blatter?
'Unfortunately, the pie of the Premiership, the big pie which has all of a sudden become a massive pie, has got lots of money inside it.' Dean Saunders has an Alan Partridge moment.
'Spain suffer from the same problem as England in that they have too many good players for their team.' With those levels of delusion, Alan Shearer will be on the payroll of Tottenham Hotspur in no time.
"When I was a kid we were always out in the park playing football until it got dark. Nowadays, I walk down the street and all I see is the glare of computer screens coming from kids bedrooms." Harry Redknapp thinks computer games are to blame for the thinning well of young English talent. This was of course shortly before agreeing to endorse the Nintendo wii with his son and daughter in law.
'I think in football there is too much modern slavery, transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere.' FIFA President Sepp Blatter provokes mass sympathy for Cristiano Ronaldo. I hear the relatives of cotton pickers from the fields of 19th Century Alabama are planning a tribute concert.
'You can only bring in kids from a certain radius and a lot of our radius is in the water. Any good fish out there?' Roy Keane mocks the F.A`s antiquated "90 minute" rule for youth players.
'It's impossible to win at Barca's stadium. They are devastating. I think it is their year.' Ex Madrid boss Bernt Schuster affixes the rope to the ceiling.
"When, as captain, some players come up to you and talk to you about a player ... complaining about him ... and then during the match you speak to this player and the player in question insults us, there comes a time where we can no longer comprehend how this can happen. I am trying to defend myself a bit without giving names. Otherwise I`m taking it all [the blame]. It`s very frustrating. I`m 31, the player is six years younger than me." Whilst William Gallas puts the pistol to his temple.
"After so many years in football management I just decided it was time for a break." Sam Allardyce rewrites history. Funny, I thought Newcastle sacked you. Oh, and what happened to that lawsuit you were planning against Panorama over the 'bung` allegations? Gone a bit quiet on that front haven`t we tubby?
"Milan are very clever, they know how to waste time when it is 1-0, stealing throw ins, players going down." Jose Mourinho auditions for hypocrite of the year award.
'I like to talk about football, him (Wenger) about business. We must stop with Wenger and all that.' Michel Platini reveals everybody`s suspicion that he`s a bit of a twat.
Joe Kinnear: "Which one of you is Simon Bird?"
Simon Bird: "Me."
JK: "You`re a c**t."
And Ladies and Gentlemen, without doubt, the 100% bona fide quote of 2008, neigh, the quote of the Twenty First Century belongs to Mr. Royston Keane;
'Because of the industry now and the way it is, there are knee-jerk reactions and there seems to be a crisis at some sort of club every week. It's crazy.
''I certainly don't see myself being in management as long as some of the others because of the media side of it, particularly Sky Sports.
'A lot of punters are being brainwashed by what's real and what's not real and that gets to the players sometimes.
'We're on about league tables after a week, teams losing two games and it's a crisis. That's constantly being thrown into people's faces.
'There was a debate this week about Arsene Wenger. How crazy is that? What that man's done for the game - and we're giving these people air time. I wouldn't listen to these people in the pub, and yet they're on television constantly, ex-players, ex-referees getting interviewed giving out their opinions. I wouldn't trust these people to walk my dog.
'They're brainwashing people. People say it's good for the game. It's not good for the game, interviewing people about Arsene Wenger after what that man's done for English football. It's amazing.
'Will Arsene Wenger be remembered in 100 years' time for what he has done for football? Bet your life he will. Will these people on the television be remembered for what they've achieved? None whatsoever.
'I was asked by ITV to do the Celtic-Man U game but never again unless I fall on hard times. I think I've done it once for Sky but I'd rather go to the dentist.
'You're sitting there with people like Richard Keys and they're trying to sell something that's not there. I tell people any time they watch a game to switch the commentators off, don't listen to experts, gather your own opinion.' Amen to that sir.
Date:Tuesday December 30 2008
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