Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Thursday May 21 2009
Summer is often a trying and vexing time to be an Arsenal fan, particularly for those Arsenal fans that still insist on reading newspapers and absorb their vituperative untruths, whilst bland idiot pundits like Redknapp cluck their tongues with honeyed words of deceit. Personally, my advice would be ignore it and just go with the flow, que sera sera, whatever will be, will be. But just to prepare you, here are twenty things you can guarantee will happen at our beloved club this summer.
1. Arsene Wenger says he is happy with his squad but will make one or two additions, "if I can be arsed." Arsenal fan site Le Grove organises a mass dirty protest demanding Wenger sign that Uruguayan fella from You Tube that can do ten kick ups with a tortoise lest they all stop bathing for a week.
2. The Daily Mail write an article claiming Peter Hill Wood and the current Arsenal board have been fiddling expenses MP style and transferring the pot marked "transfers" into a special Cuban cigar fund. A day later, they will pen a completely unrelated article on how Usmanov is spearheading a worldwide initiative on making Cuban cigars illegal. Chief writers on Arsenal fan site Le Grove pledge to deliberately shit themselves on the Clock End Bridge and not move until Usmanov is installed.
3. Completely neutral Spanish rag AS attempts to run a story on how Cesc Fabregas has been spotted wearing white y fronts. This is interpreted as an explicit come and get me plea to the chief purveyors of white sartorial garments Real Madrid. However, their story is foiled as Cesc Fabregas releases a statement denying it before AS`s chief scribe could even load up his laptop.
4. Emmanuel Adebayor turns up at the Emirates Cup wearing an A.C. Milan tracksuit top whilst clutching an Italian phrase book. He then looks aghast as he is booed by Arsenal fans. Linesmen in Serie A instantly request pay rises and threaten industrial action, citing the increased workload and the likelihood of repetitive strain injury Adebayor`s arrival will give them.
5. Adebayor then gives an interview to Sky Sports News, in which he compares A.C. Milan to Angelina Jolie whilst comparing Arsenal to Renee Zelwegger. "She`s kind of famous and you`d probably give her one if you`d had a few." Three hours later he demands a pay rise from the Arsenal board. Wenger`s patience snaps and he promptly kidnaps Adebayor. The club release a press statement to Silvio Berlusconi, in which they pledge to remove one of Adebayor`s fingers for every day a £30m cheque from Milan is not forthcoming.
6. Arsene Wenger is seen falling out of Faces night club with his trousers down and a bloodied fist with his new drinking pals Ledley King and Nicklas Bendtner. Apparently, Wenger was commandeered and asked to leave by a bouncer after being caught waving his todger at Danielle Lloyd. Lloyd is seen chasing Wenger`s car screaming "Call me! Call me!"
7. Barcelona supremo Joan Laporta makes a typically diplomatic comment along the lines of; "Of course, a club like Barcelona would love players of the calibre of van Persie, Fabregas, Adebayor, Clichy and Arshavin. But it would be disrespectful for me to talk about Fabregas, van Persie, Adebayor, Clichy and Arshavin, so I`m not going to talk about being interested in Fabregas, van Persie, Adebayor, Clichy and Arshavin because they`re Arsenal players…..for now….mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha." Adebayor promptly compares Barcelona to Jessica Alba before getting their club logo inked onto his testicles. He looks confused when booed at Arsenal`s first game of the season. Cesc Fabregas meanwhile issues a firm rebuttal by tattooing "I`m staying at Arsenal" to his forehead.
8. It reaches August 31st, Arsenal still have not offloaded Adebayor, Robin van Persie`s contract negotiations are at an impasse following an odd request from the Dutchman`s agent demanding Arsenal pay a £50k instant bonus for every ten minutes he stays fit and the only transfer business has been to buy a sperm bank in Belgium. Arsenal supporters reach boiling point, readers of fan site Le Grove all surgically remove their penises and send them to Arsene Wenger first class recorded delivery. Arsene Wenger releases a press statement saying, "cheeeeel Winston."
9. Meanwhile, in response to another report from Spain, Cesc Fabregas publicly removes his tongue with a carving knife and presents it to Peter Hill Wood to prove his commitment to Arsenal. Laporta says he thinks "Fabregas is wavering."
10. Nicklas Bendtner scores a hat trick in every Arsenal pre season friendly before scoring a last gasp winner in the Champions League qualifier against Olympique Lyonnais. The home support boo his goal celebration citing his "tangerine and cerise pink boots, which just like, so clash with that new blue kit."
11. As United, Chelsea, Villa, Liverpool and Spurs spend a combined total of £300,337,339,000,000 on transfers (around 80% of that sum is spent by Spurs on Stewart Drowning), Arsene assures the fans that it`s o.k. because, "Rosicky will be like a new signing once we get his hips replaced."
12. The transfer deadline passes, Adebayor, now six fingers and three toes down, joins A.C Milan for £30m, Gallas rejoins Chelsea, van Persie is sold to Bayern Munchen and Cesc Fabregas joins Barcelona amidst controversy as he has a suspicious six inch scar on his frontal lobe and is seen dribbling a great deal at his unveiling press conference. Gary Neville is signed along with a 15 year old Guadeloupe international named Adebayo Fandango. Eboue is awarded a new life time £500k a week contract and made captain. Arsenal.com runs with the story, "Silvestre can be a pass master." Le Grove website promptly renames itself "Le Bridge."
13. Aliaksandr Hleb leaves Barcelona citing the city`s noisy and rumbustuous surroundings. He promptly signs for the New York Red Bulls.
14. The Arsenal merchandising department releases a commemorative "2007 Emirates Cup winners" DVD. Tottenham sue on the grounds of plagiarism. "DVDs commemorating scarcely meaningful events is a market we already have cornered."
15. Ashley Cole swerves his Land Rover off the road upon hearing that Chelsea have "only offered me £110k a week" killing a pedestrian and two cyclists. An unrepentant Cole tells the grieving families, "You should be grateful Ashley Cole`s car hit your kids, innit."
16. As the battle for ownership of Arsenal intensifies, Lady Nina Bracewell, tired of the daily deliveries of flowers, chocolates, dildos and sports cars, orders Usmanov and Kroenke to fight to the death for her shares. The fight takes place behind a betting shop in Peckham. The only rules for the brawl are "no shirt, no shoes, no problem." Kroenke militarises space in preparation, whilst Usmanov places one hundred thousand ballistic plutonium missiles a few miles outside of Denver. The Daily Mail runs a completely unrelated story in which they claim militarising space is "kind of gay", whilst plutonium ballistic missiles are described as "the fashion statement the nation is dying to make."
17. After only losing by one goal in a pre season friendly against Barcelona at Wembley, Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy pre empts his supporters by declaring that "This is the year Tottenham break the top four." He then promises to bear his naked posterior in the Armoury window if Spurs finish below Arsenal in 2009-10. He promptly retracts his comments after Spurs lose their first three games and sack Harry Redknapp, appointing a joint management team of David Pleat, Glenn Hoddle and Jamie Redknapp in his stead. Chas 'n` Dave are appointed joint Directors of Football.
18. Relations between Manchester United and Arsenal cool further as Arsene Wenger and Alex Ferguson announce their shock engagement. A love struck Wenger swoons, "He always loved me, I just didn`t see it." Whilst Ferguson told shocked reporters, "Until recently I thought I had the prettiest wife at home, but then I saw Arsene and realised I could have an even prettier one." Jose Mourinho is ordained on the internet and will conduct the marriage ceremony. Nicklas Bendtner and Ledley King organise Arsene`s stag do, a beleaguered Danielle Lloyd begins dating David Pleat, though their relationship stalls as Pleat insists on calling her "Lloyd Daniels." Danielle is also perturbed by Pleat`s disturbing habit of yelling "back of the net!" at the moment of climax.
19. Arsene Wenger asks Michel Platini if he thinks Ukrainian football is setting a bad trend for the rest of Europe after two Ukrainian sides contest one UEFA Cup Semi Final, a Ukrainian side wins the tournament outright with more Brazilians in the side than Ukrainians (24 of Shakthar`s 30 goals in the tournament were scored by Brazilians), a Croatian captain and a Romanian manager. Platini responds with, "Yeah, but, you smell!"
20. Tomas Rosicky is fit to play for a first team fixture. (Well I had to put one really surreal one in there).LD.
Date:Thursday May 21 2009
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Audio - Three Players From Success? (Tuesday April 28 2015)
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