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Premier League To Change Rules To Accommodate ESPN

This week American sports broadcasters, ESPN announced that they have purchased the rights to the Premier League matches that were left available after the bosses at Setanta decided that they cash they should be using to pay the PL was better spent on Guinness.

ESPN later revealed their itinerary for the coming season, and in return the Premier League have made 10 changes the league's rules in honour of our American saviours, and we at Vital Arsenal have gained exclusive information of the amendments.

1) Teams competing in the Premier League will no longer be referred to as 'football clubs'. Instead the term 'Sporting franchise' will be implemented.

2) A 90 minute football match will no longer be played in 2 halves of 45 minutes. Instead each game will now feature four quarters of 22 and a half minutes each. In addition to this, the clock will be stopped every time the ball goes out of play and each game will take three days to complete.

3) Studies show that the sport of 'soccer' remains unpopular in the States due to its low scoring nature. With this in mind each goal will now be worth 7 points, with a bonus point being added for any goal scored from outside the 18 yard box. It is noted that the Premier League has already received a letter from Tottenham's Daniel Levy demanding this new law be back dated, ensuring Spurs won last season's North London derby at Ashburton Grove, 30-28.

4) There will no promotion to, or relegation from, the Premier League. It is noted that the Premier League has already received a strongly worded letter from Tottenham's Daniel Levy demanding this law be back dated to 1913.

5) All Premier League franchises will be renamed with a more 'American-ised' feel to them. A short time ago, the PL issued new names to all competing franchises. It is noted the PL has already received an incoherent rant from Tottenham's Daniel Levy insisting that Spurs' new chosen team name contained an unfortunately spelling error. The Premier League confirmed there was no spelling error and that the Tottenham Shite Sox are to remain as such.

6) Premier League referee's are no longer to be referred to as such and will now be named umpires. In addition 4 match officials will now reside over each game. The first big fixture of the season between Liverpool and Manchester United will be officiated by Howard Webb, Mike Riley, Steve Bennet and Rob Styles. Vomit bags will be provided with every match ticket.

7) Burger and beverage stands at all franchise arenas will all be upgraded to accommodate the new consumables. Hotdogs will now be three feet long, beer and 'soda pop' will come in 16 and 32 ounces cups rather than the traditional pint and any arena employees will no longer know what 'brown sauce' is.

8) Football supporters attending Premier League matches will no longer be allowed to sing and/or chant their favorite franchise and player songs. Instead a universal song sheet of the officially accepted chants will be distributed to supporters franchises and posted on franchise websites. Amongst the few accepted chants are 'WHOOOOPP!!' 'YEAAHHHH' 'DEFENSE DEFENSE' and of course 'U-S-A, U-S-A'.

9) The transfer system will be be abolished and replaced with the annual 'Drafts'. The PL will inform competing franchises of the 'Draft' conditions as soon as it works out just what the fuck a 'Draft' actually is.

10) The Premier League will no longer be decided by the current points system. Instead 'play-offs' will be implemented. It has been decided that after the usual 38 rounds of games, all 20 franchises will compete in the play-offs at the end of May, enabling franchises other than Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal to be in with a chance of winning the title come the end of the season. It is noted that the PL received no letter from Tottenham's Daniel Levy.

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The Journalist

Writer: Rocky7 Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday July 10 2009

Time: 10:41AM

Your Comments

brilliant article!
I welcome the 'American' influence whole heartedly. This will mean we will lose our Young Guns tag, and adopt the name Wengers Rookies. Go Gunners !!! I will now have to practice calling Eboue a 'jerk-off' !
Cockney Rich
Good morning Sports Fans!!
Nice article, though it is a little late in coming (Budwiser already ripped the ***** out of this mentality when they signed up as sponsors a couple of years ago)
" And Bendtner wins it for the Gunners with a 4 metre head strike in overtime . Arsenal win their week one match-up on the road in the city of Everton."
Cockney Rich
I wonder how many people actually take it seriously. I know we jest, but both our 2nd and 3rd sports (rugby and cricket) have both already used elements of these.
I sometimes have to watch games on American TV, and it is the commentary really does make me want to puke. The term "Head-shot" for a header has to be the worst".
Isnt a draft when you serve beer from a tap?
The American Revolution continues! I'm sure this is what Obama meant when he proclaimed "we need CHANGE we all can believe in!" Haha.
just a little suggestion here, but dont youse thinks that the draft might actually be a good idea ( without abolishing transfer ) ?
Because then a team who develops youngsters won't actually see it come to fruition. Not just us, what avout teams like Crewe and West Ham? Presuming that's what you meant with a draft process.
Americans cannot say 'Offside' they say 'Offsides' i always question them 'was more than one person offside? was he in 2 offside positions?'....ESPN didnt keep their championsleague rights for the US, it was sold to Soccer Channel, so i guess the big American saviors dont care about their own market, just establishing a foothold in europe?
Ignorance is bliss.
ESPN have decided not to employ the out-of-work Setanta dream team of Steve McManaman and Terry Venables. To attract the American audience, they will get their ' expert ' analysis from Beavis and Butthead. In short, a like-for-like move, but with a greater football knowledge, wit and personality.
Cockney Rich
LOL @ Cockney!!!!!!!!!
no doubt whinger will still be complaing no matter what changes are made, letter sent to the FA, rejected
What about the cheerleaders? You forgot the most important part of their culture -.-'.
The Reeef... Give me a D! Give me an I! Give me an S! Give me a G......
123...... boring as usual!
i no lol, couldnt think of anything elss really
you think the nba or NFL is bad? try watching baseball, its like 10-20min action streched to fit a 2hr time frame. worse of all, the whole summer there is nothing but baseball on tv. i would take transfer rumours aover baseball any summer. if a sports franchise wins a championship, the trophy is presented to the franchise owner and the trophy resides in the owners office. its not about the team or the fans its about the owner and the money he gets. the fans have absolutely zero, zilch, nada say in their team. dont get me wrong but america is a great country but they are the worst when it comes to sports. from the running of the sports to media coverage of the sports, the rules. just everything is off and weird
one thing that drives me mad about "footie" on US tv is that at half time when they are doing their little chat about the first half crap, when they talk to each other they are always looking at the camera. Its something small but why the hell do they not look at each other when speaking, its insanity, glad fox soccer channel got the champions league, no more tommy smith and his bulge the old onion bag saying....sigh
Brilliant Article, Just Brilliant, Thanks!
Tommy Smyth is annoying luckychmz, but now we have no hi-def Arsenal! ever!
Fox Soccer will have a full HD channel, including EPL and CL, by at least Jan 1, 2010. So Fox gaining the CL is real good because it will force them to switch EPL games into hi-def.
hadn't heard that GK, do you know which providers will carry the HD version? Because I have Comcast and they have a pathetic choice of HD programming
I'm not too familiar with Comcast. I know Dish, DirectTV, Cox, and U-Verse will have the HD channel, so Comcast will probably have it since it's the leading cable provider here in the States.
Or you could run everything through your E45SB electronic isolator down to the energised tracking loop. This will by-pass the master framing circuit, and end up via the interface connector solo zooming clip of your diameter focal realisation switch. Easy.
Cockney Rich
You What?!
I know this is a joke, but we get half our football here shown via ESPN, and trust me, you will not like what you see. The camera angles and work is abismial and there is less insightful commentary than a mtach called by Efan Ekoku and Jamie Redknapp.
Ozi Gooner
In Australia the only way we can get the football is via "Foxtel" (aussie version of Sky) and it only comes through Fox Sports. I dunno who the hell that gets filmed by though? And if your Arsenal are playing the afternoon games i have to wait til' 3am for kick-off :P ...but we have beautiful beaches, women and weather i guess that kinda makes up for it :)

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