Vital Arsenal Make First Summer Signing

Editor's note: As with most football clubs, the summer is a time to bring in new blood and freshen things up a bit, and at it's no different at Vital Arsenal.

This year we've decided to take a young man on trial who goes by the name of Tristan, who, in his own words, will bring us his 'unwanted opinions' each week.

As with any debutant, don't expect him to play a full 90 minutes and grab a hat-trick ... oh no ... this is Tristan's 90th minute substitue appearence where he can offer us the briefest of glimpse of his hilarious talents.

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Y'alreet Vital Arsenal,

I'm Tristan, I'm new and I've been given permission to write down my useless thoughts and opinions on the broad subject of football by the kind people who run this site.

I will try to deliver cutting edge articles in the style of other footballing gurus such as Garth Crooks, but hopefully they will be somewhat less tedious and won't consist of laboured and drawn out points that go on and on and on and don't really address anything slightly insightful, just go on and on, repeating themselves, whilst people weep & quote Garth! Make it stop man! I need some air, I can't cope with all this amount of tedium, my ears are bleeding, please I beg you, stop! but then ignore them and go on and on and on before reaching a conclusion that has no relevance to what I'd just said. I often enjoy bagels.

Arsenal news now and Asterix The Gaul lookalike, Stan Kroenke, has increased his stake in the club to 28.5% in his ongoing power struggle with Uzbekistani oligarch Alisher Usmanov, meaning Gunners fans will either have to make do with a fictional rebellious Gaul or a man who looks like the lovechild of a helium inflated Droopy the Dog and that fat prick Chris Moyles.

Right that's yer lot for today!

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