Arsenal - Diary Of A Gooner: The Champions League Draw
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Diary Of A Gooner: The Champions League Draw

Is there anything worse than the Champions League Draw?

I have just finished watching them all. A bunch of stuffed shirts scribbling frenetically as a bemused footballer plucks balls from a bowl attended to by what looks to be a former member of the Waffen SS. In between this breath-taking drama, awards are given out to a goalkeeper, a defender, a midfielder and (wait for it) a forward. It should be like the bleedin' Oscars - it's not. The suspense is somewhat ruined by the fact that although three nominees are read out for each category, the eventual winner is the only one sitting in the audience. And when they go up to accept their little trinket, they invariably have a look on their face that says nothing but 'this is my only feckin' day off this week and I have to spend it doing this shit?!?'

Next to the draw itself. I swear to you, Stephen Hawking and and hand picked team from MIT couldn't figure out what the hell is going on with the collection of bowls and balls. 'The next team to be drawn is Real Madrid, who of course cannot go into any of the red groups due to their political status during the Spanish civil war, nor can they go into groups A or E due to club president Florentino Pérez's pathological fear of vowels. They will therefore be placed in blue group B as that guarantees the greatest revenue from televis . . . or rather ladies and gentlemen, the greatest fairness and transparency.' --- My left one!

Any questions so far? Come on, lets not always see the same hands. Leaving all that behind us, it has emerged that we have been drawn against AZ Alcohol, Olympia Dukakis and Standardly Enraged, which on the face of it looks a fairly handy group, particularly since Olympia Dukakis' best work is definitely behind her (she never recovered from 'Look who's talking now').

There is nothing better than just hearing the result of the draw on the radio. I was off work today, so apart from cleaning the en suite and generally slobbing around, my main focus was on who we would get in today's draw. Invariably I ended up watching it from start to finish and am now realising that that is an hour in my life I will never get back and I could see from the look on Kenny Dalglish's face, who was part of the Liverpool contingent in the audience that he was thinking exactly the same frickin' thing. I can only think Liverpool decided to send him in an attempt to decipher the gibberish (something that Professor Dalglish holds a Ph.D in). Anyway, it's done, the trauma over, there is nothing now but to wait and see what the continent can throw at us and hopefully this will be the year that Wengerball finally conquers Europe!

Up the Arsenal!

PS - I think the real reason I tune in every year is to see if that woman who kept fainting a couple of years back makes a comeback. At least she acted like we all felt!

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The Journalist

Writer: GunnerBlood Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday August 27 2009

Time: 7:05PM

Your Comments (oldest first)

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"AZ Alcohol, Olympia Dukakis and Standardly Enraged" -- GunnerBlood, please don't take this the wrong way, but after this bit of brilliance combined with your previous brilliant efforts, I am now officially madly in love with you.
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 20:05:00

I am fully expecting an invitation to the first Vital Arsenal wedding within the new few weeks!
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 20:17:00

Wow, I wasn't expecting that. It's good to be back in the fold, not sure my girlfriend is as pleased!
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 20:21:00

Great perf yest night boys....gutted with eduardo's dive!!!!
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 20:26:00

How embarassed was Maldini Holding his giant plaque and Platini urging everyone to give him a standing ovation?! lol
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 20:34:00

GB, your girlfriend need not worry, I'll have pine for you from afar (in Brooklyn, NY). Besides, I'm too old for you anyway. :-) // As to the topic of your article, it's amusing to watch them try to pad something so simple that should take less than 5 minutes into something so earth-shattering with silly bells and whistles added on.
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 20:38:00

Rocky, i think you know the first Vital Arsenal wedding will be Tom and Denilson... ;-)
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 22:00:00

My feeling precisely, but it also has a genuinely horrific feel of "when bureaucrats do light entertainment".
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 22:00:00

Cripes alive, I'd been in the office since seven bloody thirty and waited around to watch that *********. What a bunch of self important, out of touch *****s. Listen UEFA, GET BACK INTO THE REAL WORLD! NOBODY GIVES A FLYING ***** about your self congratulatory backslapping and corporate chuminess, ***** OFF! We don't watch the raw to watch the fat cats fellate one another, we watch it for the football teams. Jesus, get over yourselves. Anyone ever seen that clip of Bill Hicks when he says to the audience "If anyone in the audience works in marketing, kill yourselves. This is no joke, you are the ruiners of all things good, you are *****ed and you're *****ing us, kill yourselves." That could easily be directed at UEFA, the ****s.
Little Dutch
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27/08/2009 22:29:00

P.S. There have already been several Vital weddings. I got married to Will Self's thesaurus (it's 400,000,000 pages long- ten would have about done it), Rocky pulled the ringpull off his last can of stella, stuck it on his ring finger and had his surname changed to 'Artois' by deed poll and I think Amos got married to the opta index. ;-)..............I really have to stop posting here after an evening on the Samuel Smiths............
Little Dutch
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27/08/2009 22:36:00

TBF I lost interest in the draw after catching sight of the Penelope Cruzesque hostess WA WA WEE WA!. That goes a long way to distracting me from Platinis' Danny DeVito impressions.
Report Abuse
27/08/2009 22:55:00

I think the draw was kind. there are no easy games but Arsenal have the team to come through that group undefeated.
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 03:43:00

Wow, that's an awful lot of expletives there, LD! Are you okay? Yes UEFA champions league draws are right up there for naffness with Eurovision Song Contests. The whole set looks the same, even. In fact, this particular television "spectacle" would have made it onto the Eurotrash show that used to be on Channel 4. The draw might have benefited from the dishy Gallic presence of Antoine de Caune because at least I'd have had something nice to look at, to dilute all this concentrated tosh. To top it all, I had to watch Joan LaPorta, that well-known "cuckoo", sit there beaming all over his smug(though admittedly very handsome) face. Bleeeeuuucchhh. Big Ivan should have aimed a haymaker at him to save us all the trouble. Rubbish show but lovely draw for Arsenal, which is all that matters.
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 08:10:00

Sadly Stella and I got divorced. We still get together for the odd romp, but we just don't get on anymore. I'm much more adverse to the Tetleys these days ..... and not the alcoholic variety!
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 08:48:00

What really pleased me about the draw was the former Miss Switzerland, and that we got into a group that almost guarantees progress, and the former Miss Switzerland in that black dress. So in summary: nice draw, and she looked unbelievable in that dress
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 09:08:00

Well if nobody else is gonna make an obvious, childish "tea bagging" joke then I'm afraid it's got to be left to me....sigh
Little Dutch
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28/08/2009 09:08:00

On the subject of that girl who fainted wasn't it Steven Gerrard who stood there with two arms the one length trying to suppress a s*******ing fit while the poor girl was overcome? What a gent.
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 09:17:00

Eh? Since when was "s*******" as in giggling a bad word?
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 09:21:00

What? There it goes again?
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 09:23:00

Ah, just realized that a certain very obnoxious word is hidden within the spelling so it is automatically blanked. Okay- to paraphrase the meaning, Gerrard was obviously trying to stifle a quiet, disrespectful laugh at the girl's misfortune.
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 09:40:00

lol. Took me a few mins to work out which word it was. No need for racism on this board
Report Abuse
28/08/2009 10:22:00


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