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Diary Of A Gooner: The Champions League Draw

Diary Of A Gooner: The Champions League Draw

Is there anything worse than the Champions League Draw?

I have just finished watching them all. A bunch of stuffed shirts scribbling frenetically as a bemused footballer plucks balls from a bowl attended to by what looks to be a former member of the Waffen SS. In between this breath-taking drama, awards are given out to a goalkeeper, a defender, a midfielder and (wait for it) a forward. It should be like the bleedin' Oscars - it's not. The suspense is somewhat ruined by the fact that although three nominees are read out for each category, the eventual winner is the only one sitting in the audience. And when they go up to accept their little trinket, they invariably have a look on their face that says nothing but 'this is my only feckin' day off this week and I have to spend it doing this shit?!?'

Next to the draw itself. I swear to you, Stephen Hawking and and hand picked team from MIT couldn't figure out what the hell is going on with the collection of bowls and balls. 'The next team to be drawn is Real Madrid, who of course cannot go into any of the red groups due to their political status during the Spanish civil war, nor can they go into groups A or E due to club president Florentino PĂ©rez's pathological fear of vowels. They will therefore be placed in blue group B as that guarantees the greatest revenue from televis . . . or rather ladies and gentlemen, the greatest fairness and transparency.' --- My left one!

Any questions so far? Come on, lets not always see the same hands. Leaving all that behind us, it has emerged that we have been drawn against AZ Alcohol, Olympia Dukakis and Standardly Enraged, which on the face of it looks a fairly handy group, particularly since Olympia Dukakis' best work is definitely behind her (she never recovered from 'Look who's talking now').

There is nothing better than just hearing the result of the draw on the radio. I was off work today, so apart from cleaning the en suite and generally slobbing around, my main focus was on who we would get in today's draw. Invariably I ended up watching it from start to finish and am now realising that that is an hour in my life I will never get back and I could see from the look on Kenny Dalglish's face, who was part of the Liverpool contingent in the audience that he was thinking exactly the same frickin' thing. I can only think Liverpool decided to send him in an attempt to decipher the gibberish (something that Professor Dalglish holds a Ph.D in). Anyway, it's done, the trauma over, there is nothing now but to wait and see what the continent can throw at us and hopefully this will be the year that Wengerball finally conquers Europe!

Up the Arsenal!

PS - I think the real reason I tune in every year is to see if that woman who kept fainting a couple of years back makes a comeback. At least she acted like we all felt!



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Writer:GunnerBlood
Date:Thursday August 27 2009
Time: 7:05PM

Comments

0
"AZ Alcohol, Olympia Dukakis and Standardly Enraged" -- GunnerBlood, please don't take this the wrong way, but after this bit of brilliance combined with your previous brilliant efforts, I am now officially madly in love with you.
jaelle
27/08/2009 20:05:00
0
I am fully expecting an invitation to the first Vital Arsenal wedding within the new few weeks!
Rocky7
27/08/2009 20:17:00
0
Wow, I wasn't expecting that. It's good to be back in the fold, not sure my girlfriend is as pleased!
GunnerBlood
27/08/2009 20:21:00
0
Great perf yest night boys....gutted with eduardo's dive!!!!
mani13963
27/08/2009 20:26:00
0
How embarassed was Maldini Holding his giant plaque and Platini urging everyone to give him a standing ovation?! lol
iceman10
27/08/2009 20:34:00
0
GB, your girlfriend need not worry, I'll have pine for you from afar (in Brooklyn, NY). Besides, I'm too old for you anyway. :-) // As to the topic of your article, it's amusing to watch them try to pad something so simple that should take less than 5 minutes into something so earth-shattering with silly bells and whistles added on.
jaelle
27/08/2009 20:38:00
0
Rocky, i think you know the first Vital Arsenal wedding will be Tom and Denilson... ;-)
TPowell
27/08/2009 22:00:00
0
My feeling precisely, but it also has a genuinely horrific feel of "when bureaucrats do light entertainment".
GunnerBlood
27/08/2009 22:00:00
0
Cripes alive, I'd been in the office since seven bloody thirty and waited around to watch that *********. What a bunch of self important, out of touch *****s. Listen UEFA, GET BACK INTO THE REAL WORLD! NOBODY GIVES A FLYING ***** about your self congratulatory backslapping and corporate chuminess, ***** OFF! We don't watch the raw to watch the fat cats fellate one another, we watch it for the football teams. Jesus, get over yourselves. Anyone ever seen that clip of Bill Hicks when he says to the audience "If anyone in the audience works in marketing, kill yourselves. This is no joke, you are the ruiners of all things good, you are *****ed and you're *****ing us, kill yourselves." That could easily be directed at UEFA, the ****s.
Little Dutch
27/08/2009 22:29:00
0
P.S. There have already been several Vital weddings. I got married to Will Self's thesaurus (it's 400,000,000 pages long- ten would have about done it), Rocky pulled the ringpull off his last can of stella, stuck it on his ring finger and had his surname changed to 'Artois' by deed poll and I think Amos got married to the opta index. ;-)..............I really have to stop posting here after an evening on the Samuel Smiths............
Little Dutch
27/08/2009 22:36:00
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