Wayne Rooney: 'I Never Dive'

Since Eduardo da Silva invented the act of 'simulation' in an opponent's penalty box this August past, the world has reacted with shock and disbelief. So much so that much of the English national media thought his tumble in the area more newsworthy than the fact that scores of Afghans were prevented from voting in a free and open democratic election in their own country. Eduardo goes down easily? Moral compasses go doolalley. 26 Afghans killed trying to vote for their own goverment? Meh.

Of course Eduardo's act of simulation has brought (or should that be bought) condemnation from football's senior and trustworthy figures. He of the nimble feet Mr. Wayne Rooney was the first to speak out against the unspeakable evil that is diving (at this point I will ignore the comments of the actual President of UEFA, who,you know, admitted to diving frequently in his playing days).

'Everyone who watches me play knows I am an honest player,' Rooney said.

'I have never intentionally tried to dive. In fact, there have been times when I have tried to stay on my feet and get the shot off rather than go down.

'It isn't fair for players to dive and try to cheat the other team. And it is not just cheating your opponents, you are cheating the fans as well.'

Bravo Wayne, well said my boy. Where would the world be if one of football's most foremost profiles was caught condoning diving in the penalty area? Imagine if Mr. Rooney was caught actually perpetrating such a despicable act? Eduardo's big crime appeared to be being caught diving against below average opponents live on ITV television when Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester United weren't playing. Using the Eduardo dive as a paradigm of disgust, imagine how ITV would react to an England player diving in the area. Hell would hath no fury in comparison.

England captain John Terry was the next to lay blame for this despicable act squarely away from the door of the Englishman.

'I can speak about the England lads and the England team and it (diving) is something we don't do.

'I think sometimes we're too honest because sometimes, even in the Premiership, you see the English lads get a bit of contact and try and stay on their feet and try and score from the chance they've been given.'

Quite so John, quite so. I look forward to the UEFA Investigation that will no doubt back up your claims.LD.

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