Vital Football

Latest Arsenal FC News

A Week On The Arsenal Training Ground

A Week On The Arsenal Training Ground

One of the things that our great manager has been lauded for since his arrival into England would be his revolutionary training methods. But beyond vague outlines around dietary requirements and the fact that Le Boss is a bit besotted with his stopwatch in training, have you ever wondered what it is we actually do in training? Why is it that we get all these injuries? Well I got hold of Arsene`s fitness diary off of some bloke from a Lancashire hotel chain and can publish it exclusively (or else I just made it all up, you decide).

Monday
Had a tough, tough game on Saturday, so the plan is for the squad to go through some light stretches. I invite world famous contortionist Mei Ling in to take the group through some simple exercises and the squad copy. She starts with a simple stretch designed to tone muscles whereby she curls her feet up around her back, up over the top of her shoulder blades and sticks her toes in her mouth and invites the team to mimic. Unfortunately, Tomas Rosicky`s new hamstrings- which our medical team put together using sticky back plastic and prit stick- spontaneously combust. It looks like a small injury, a matter of days not weeks I think.

Tuesday
We have a Champions League match tomorrow night, so I step up the physicality of the training today in order to prepare the team mentally and physically. So I take them base jumping. Base jumping is a very physically demanding pass time and ideal to prepare for a Champions League home game against Athletico Making-Up-The-Numbers on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Alex Song`s afro is not very aero dynamic and he falls from the fifteenth floor of the Barclay`s building in Canary Wharf. But luckily, his afro cushioned his fall which minimised the shattering to his vertebrae. Our medical staff estimates he will be o.k. for the weekend. Andrey Arshavin threatens to leap to his death from the Millennium Bridge as rumours emerge in the squad that I might make them do some running tomorrow. Luckily, Phil Brown walks past at the opportune moment and Andrey decides life is worth living. "No matter how much running you make me do", he explains to me, "At least I am not lying orange twat with headset and shit beard."

Wednesday
Big game tonight, so we need big preparation. So I put the squad through some tough physical preparation. We hold an Ultimate Fighting tournament. Only rules, no shirt, no shoes, no problem. It`s all going quite well and the squad are enjoying it, but then disaster strikes. Theo Walcott gets in touch with the beast within and charges at his team mates with a chainsaw. Samir Nasri has a severed arm, but it`s not as bad as we first feared, the medical staff have used three rolls of sellotape to stick it back on. He`ll be short for tonight, but has an outside chance of being fit for France`s friendly against Guantanamo Bay next week. Cesc Fabregas also loses his right foot, but I think I will play him anyway. Just as Theo was about to swing his chainsaw at Emmanuel Eboue`s face, he collapses in pain. His shoulder is dislocated again, but it`s o.k., the Club Doctor is on hand to whack it back in using a two by a four with a rusty nail sticking out of it. Fabio Capello calls to ask if he will be available to play for England U-21s in their friendly against Barnet in Qatar next week. I tell him he can.

Thursday
Tough game last night, we lost Bacary Sagna after one of his braids fell out, it turns out his braids were connected to the frontal lobe in his brain and he now has forgotten who he is, where he is and how to walk. Coincidentally, Tottenham are said to be ready with a bid. But the medical staff are working with him, I saw Tony Colbert reapplying the braid with a chisel so Baca should be o.k. for Saturday. Unfortunately, William Gallas pulled an eye muscle whilst reading a road sign on his way into training. I didn`t even know that was possible, but the medical staff say they`ve seen this kind of injury before. They are treating his retinas using the lactic acid from Arshavin`s thigh muscles. I was happy with the performance last night, but feel we need to improve our tackling in midfield. I instruct all of our players to go through a tackling session with Abou Diaby. Thomas Vermaelen, Eduardo, Robin van Persie, Denilson and Bendtner all have snapped legs. Colin Lewin offers to do the run to the London Zoo to stock up on monkey placenta and horses vaginas to treat the injuries. But Colin meets disaster too when he is mauled by a Kangaroo. Despite having no skin and losing all feeling in the left side of his body, Colin diagnoses that he should be able to walk again by tomorrow. Which is good news, because if Colin isn`t fit, then I might have to think about putting Silvestre at left back on Saturday! It`s not been a good day; we are so unlucky with injuries.

Friday
Big North London derby against Tottenham tomorrow. We know it will be a physical game at White Hart Lane, so I prepare what is left of my squad with an appropriate training session. Last night I watched an old Japanese movie called 'Battle Royale` and it gave me a great idea for today`s training session. So one by one, the entire squad are able to choose a weapon and are then given sixty seconds to run off into the grounds of London Colney. Once everyone has a weapon, they are given three hours to fight to the death. Abou Diaby pulls a thigh muscle as he runs off into the wilderness with his bazooka. Robin van Persie breaks an ankle after a vicious swipe from Eboue`s numbchuck. The medical staff are working with Robin using a technique they saw in the movie 'Misery.` They strap his ankles to a wooden slab and give them a good going over with a mallet for a couple of minutes. That should see him right for tomorrow. But there is more bad news when Manuel Almunia`s hair dye forms a toxic alliance with Philippe Senderos` napalm gun. There is a mushroom cloud and a three mile island in Hertfordshire as a result. Our entire first team squad, our Reserves and Ladies teams are all struck down with various degrees of radiation poisoning, third degree burns and temporary blindness. The medical staff get to work on treating the players using toxic waste to treat their wounds. Mikael Silvestre is strangely fine and fit to play.

Saturday
We beat Spurs 3-0 with a "celebs and ex professionals" XI. Rory McGrath gives us the lead, whilst a stunning dipping thirty yarder by Tony Hadley puts us 2-0 in front. In the last minute, Tom Huddlestone is distracted by the sound of an ice cream van and the corpse of Denis Compton loses his portly marker, before outpacing Jermaine Jenas to score. I show that gobby twat Robbie Keane who has the stronger bench as Mikael Silvestre is an unused sub. Spurs blame the result on the fact that Glenn Hoddle circa 1985 and Jimmy Greaves circa 1960 were unavailable. I`m so delighted with the performance, I take the squad out to celebrate at the Museum of Knives and Fire.

Sunday
All of first team players are called up for their countries…..except Mikael Silvestre.LD.




Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Tim Stillman
Date:Wednesday November 18 2009
Time: 1:29PM

Comments

0
are u on crack?
pachna_spurs
18/11/2009 13:33:00
0
After the Spurs game Eboue is injured in the players bar. Tom Huddlestone Glasses him after finding out Emmanuel will not be using him to play any of the Klumps in his upcoming remake of the nutty professor.
iceman10
18/11/2009 13:49:00
0
as much as hudd does look like a klump.lmfao. i cant believe you and your dust gathering trophy cabinet are still trying to tease the spurs. yes u won us 3-0, yes we played badly for the last 5 mins of the 1st half. yes you are a better team than us yes you will win the league and the champions league. lol
pachna_spurs
18/11/2009 14:03:00
0
Brilliant!!!
Rocky7
18/11/2009 14:05:00
0
I think they are all great reasons to tease you PS!!
Rocky7
18/11/2009 14:20:00
0
The image of playing a game v. Gitmo! And then this: "Andrey Arshavin threatens to leap to his death from the Millennium Bridge as rumours emerge in the squad that I might make them do some running tomorrow" -- sheer brilliance, LD!!
jaelle
18/11/2009 14:46:00
0
as a spurs fan i think u are all tits however thats some funny stuff cheered me up. and come on pachna spurs nothing wrong with teasing and banter its part of the game imagine how much grief these guys will get when we finally beat them in the league it will be non stop for months. again good stuff cheered me right up thanks
jljyid
18/11/2009 15:36:00
0
that's some great stuff from LD!!
TPowell
18/11/2009 16:47:00
0
'yes u won us 3-0', tell your mother that if she's going to smoke crack while shes pregnant to at the very least by some product without mercury and detergent in it you mong
Ozi Gooner
18/11/2009 22:47:00
0
Calling all Irish Gooners... Got to love Terry Henry don't ya.
TeddyLyon
18/11/2009 23:23:00
Page 1/5
  1. 1
  2. 2
  3. 3
  4. 4
  5. 5

Login to post a comment

Recent Arsenal Articles

Flamini - I Wasn't Trying To Hurt Him

Arsenal midfielder on his two footed tackle

Rambo - We Needed That Badly

Rambo on massive win at the weekend

A Vital 3 Points At The Vitality

Gunners secure only the second league win of 2015

Stats: Bournemouth v Arsenal

All the stats from Bournemouth (0) vs (2) Arsenal, Vitality Stadium, 1:30pm Sunday 7th February Att: 11357

Archived Vital Arsenal Articles

Vital Arsenal articles from

Site Journalists

Rocky7
Profile
ClockEnd124
Profile
Amos
Profile

Current Poll (see more polls)

MOTM vs Cech
Suggested By:
Cech9%
Petr Cech91%
ScoopDragon Premier League Network Sites

League Table

# Team P W D L Pts. GD
1 Leicester City 25 15 8 2 53 20
2 Spurs 25 13 9 3 48 26
3 Arsenal 25 14 6 5 48 17
4 Man City 25 14 5 6 47 21
5 Man Utd 25 11 8 6 41 10
6 West Ham 25 10 9 6 39 9
7 Southampton 25 10 7 8 37 9
8 Everton 25 8 11 6 35 12
9 Liverpool 25 9 8 8 35 -4
10 Watford 25 9 6 10 33 0
11 Stoke 25 9 6 10 33 -7
12 Crystal Palace 25 9 5 11 32 -4
13 Chelsea 25 7 9 9 30 -2
14 WBA 25 7 8 10 29 -9
15 AFC Bournemouth 25 7 7 11 28 -12
16 Swansea 25 6 9 10 27 -9
17 Newcastle 25 6 6 13 24 -18
18 Norwich 25 6 5 14 23 -20
19 Sunderland 25 5 5 15 20 -19
20 Aston Villa 25 3 7 15 16 -20
Latest F1 News
Latest Vital Boxing News

Arsenal Fixtures (view all)

Feb 14 2016 12:00PM : Leicester City (H)
Barclays Premier League
Feb 20 2016 3:00PM : Hull City (H)
FA Cup
Feb 28 2016 2:05PM : Manchester United (a)
Barclays Premier League
Mar 2 2016 7:45PM : Swansea City (H)
Barclays Premier League
Mar 5 2016 12:45PM : Tottenham Hotspur (a)
Barclays Premier League
Mar 12 2016 5:30PM : West Bromwich Albion (H)
Barclays Premier League

Recent Arsenal Results (view all)

Vital Members League Table

RankNamePoints
1.Naijagunner10
2.Afcdc3
3.Riversider1
4.Catcatcher 1
5.Wyn Mills1
6.princeoflove9091
7.Joe_@**1
8.Guyfox1
9.Galway Gooner1
10.Amos.1