Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Wednesday November 18 2009
One of the things that our great manager has been lauded for since his arrival into England would be his revolutionary training methods. But beyond vague outlines around dietary requirements and the fact that Le Boss is a bit besotted with his stopwatch in training, have you ever wondered what it is we actually do in training? Why is it that we get all these injuries? Well I got hold of Arsene`s fitness diary off of some bloke from a Lancashire hotel chain and can publish it exclusively (or else I just made it all up, you decide).
Had a tough, tough game on Saturday, so the plan is for the squad to go through some light stretches. I invite world famous contortionist Mei Ling in to take the group through some simple exercises and the squad copy. She starts with a simple stretch designed to tone muscles whereby she curls her feet up around her back, up over the top of her shoulder blades and sticks her toes in her mouth and invites the team to mimic. Unfortunately, Tomas Rosicky`s new hamstrings- which our medical team put together using sticky back plastic and prit stick- spontaneously combust. It looks like a small injury, a matter of days not weeks I think.
We have a Champions League match tomorrow night, so I step up the physicality of the training today in order to prepare the team mentally and physically. So I take them base jumping. Base jumping is a very physically demanding pass time and ideal to prepare for a Champions League home game against Athletico Making-Up-The-Numbers on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Alex Song`s afro is not very aero dynamic and he falls from the fifteenth floor of the Barclay`s building in Canary Wharf. But luckily, his afro cushioned his fall which minimised the shattering to his vertebrae. Our medical staff estimates he will be o.k. for the weekend. Andrey Arshavin threatens to leap to his death from the Millennium Bridge as rumours emerge in the squad that I might make them do some running tomorrow. Luckily, Phil Brown walks past at the opportune moment and Andrey decides life is worth living. "No matter how much running you make me do", he explains to me, "At least I am not lying orange twat with headset and shit beard."
Big game tonight, so we need big preparation. So I put the squad through some tough physical preparation. We hold an Ultimate Fighting tournament. Only rules, no shirt, no shoes, no problem. It`s all going quite well and the squad are enjoying it, but then disaster strikes. Theo Walcott gets in touch with the beast within and charges at his team mates with a chainsaw. Samir Nasri has a severed arm, but it`s not as bad as we first feared, the medical staff have used three rolls of sellotape to stick it back on. He`ll be short for tonight, but has an outside chance of being fit for France`s friendly against Guantanamo Bay next week. Cesc Fabregas also loses his right foot, but I think I will play him anyway. Just as Theo was about to swing his chainsaw at Emmanuel Eboue`s face, he collapses in pain. His shoulder is dislocated again, but it`s o.k., the Club Doctor is on hand to whack it back in using a two by a four with a rusty nail sticking out of it. Fabio Capello calls to ask if he will be available to play for England U-21s in their friendly against Barnet in Qatar next week. I tell him he can.
Tough game last night, we lost Bacary Sagna after one of his braids fell out, it turns out his braids were connected to the frontal lobe in his brain and he now has forgotten who he is, where he is and how to walk. Coincidentally, Tottenham are said to be ready with a bid. But the medical staff are working with him, I saw Tony Colbert reapplying the braid with a chisel so Baca should be o.k. for Saturday. Unfortunately, William Gallas pulled an eye muscle whilst reading a road sign on his way into training. I didn`t even know that was possible, but the medical staff say they`ve seen this kind of injury before. They are treating his retinas using the lactic acid from Arshavin`s thigh muscles. I was happy with the performance last night, but feel we need to improve our tackling in midfield. I instruct all of our players to go through a tackling session with Abou Diaby. Thomas Vermaelen, Eduardo, Robin van Persie, Denilson and Bendtner all have snapped legs. Colin Lewin offers to do the run to the London Zoo to stock up on monkey placenta and horses vaginas to treat the injuries. But Colin meets disaster too when he is mauled by a Kangaroo. Despite having no skin and losing all feeling in the left side of his body, Colin diagnoses that he should be able to walk again by tomorrow. Which is good news, because if Colin isn`t fit, then I might have to think about putting Silvestre at left back on Saturday! It`s not been a good day; we are so unlucky with injuries.
Big North London derby against Tottenham tomorrow. We know it will be a physical game at White Hart Lane, so I prepare what is left of my squad with an appropriate training session. Last night I watched an old Japanese movie called 'Battle Royale` and it gave me a great idea for today`s training session. So one by one, the entire squad are able to choose a weapon and are then given sixty seconds to run off into the grounds of London Colney. Once everyone has a weapon, they are given three hours to fight to the death. Abou Diaby pulls a thigh muscle as he runs off into the wilderness with his bazooka. Robin van Persie breaks an ankle after a vicious swipe from Eboue`s numbchuck. The medical staff are working with Robin using a technique they saw in the movie 'Misery.` They strap his ankles to a wooden slab and give them a good going over with a mallet for a couple of minutes. That should see him right for tomorrow. But there is more bad news when Manuel Almunia`s hair dye forms a toxic alliance with Philippe Senderos` napalm gun. There is a mushroom cloud and a three mile island in Hertfordshire as a result. Our entire first team squad, our Reserves and Ladies teams are all struck down with various degrees of radiation poisoning, third degree burns and temporary blindness. The medical staff get to work on treating the players using toxic waste to treat their wounds. Mikael Silvestre is strangely fine and fit to play.
We beat Spurs 3-0 with a "celebs and ex professionals" XI. Rory McGrath gives us the lead, whilst a stunning dipping thirty yarder by Tony Hadley puts us 2-0 in front. In the last minute, Tom Huddlestone is distracted by the sound of an ice cream van and the corpse of Denis Compton loses his portly marker, before outpacing Jermaine Jenas to score. I show that gobby twat Robbie Keane who has the stronger bench as Mikael Silvestre is an unused sub. Spurs blame the result on the fact that Glenn Hoddle circa 1985 and Jimmy Greaves circa 1960 were unavailable. I`m so delighted with the performance, I take the squad out to celebrate at the Museum of Knives and Fire.
All of first team players are called up for their countries…..except Mikael Silvestre.LD.
Date:Wednesday November 18 2009
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