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More Made Up Stuff

Following on from the first edition of made up stuff, I decided to make up even more guff from the realms of my twisted imagination for you to pour over this fine Friday. Enjoy.

Leading Catalonian scientists yesterday confirmed that Barcelona captain Carles 'Caveman` Puyol, is undeniably, genetically and scientifically a massive tosspot, as well as being as ugly as sin. Puyol showed great courage to overcome proven allegations that he looks like the mutant offspring of Sarah Jessica Parker and Captain Caveman in 2003, but his professional life is now set for even greater scrutiny after this latest medical discovery.

Experts have long speculated that Puyol`s mouth breathing facial expressions as well as his torturous public outpourings equate to him being a hideous c**t, but last night scientists gave credence to those suspicions. Renowned Catalonian Genealogist Dr. Chavvy confirmed, "We have had Carles` DNA meticulously studied and we can confirm that he has the Despicable Mouthy Arsehole (DMA) gene, it appears enlarged on the 'Y` chromosome. It is estimated that one in three males suffer from this condition. Most are easily identified by the presence of red and blue striped shirts and begging bowls upon their person."

Dr. Chavvy continued, "But what makes Carles` case very unique is that he simultaneously demonstrates the presence of the Iain Dowie Gene (IDG), which means that he has a face like your Nan`s vagina, as well as being an overly talkative moron. This condition is usually exclusive to BNP voters and those people that trek to India on their daddy`s money to 'find themselves and stuff.` For a professional footballer to suffer these twin ailments is incredibly rare other than in the case of Robbie Keane. Having both DMA and IDG in the same set of chromosomes technically makes you less than human, Darwin made reference to the extremely rare 'Maximum Twatimus` mammal in Origin of the Species, that looks vaguely human and is capable of conversing with humans. Indeed, in a dark room with plenty of Merlot they may even pass themselves off as human. But they definitely aren`t human, Darwin contended that they were actually "massive c*nts" and to be avoided at all costs."

Following on from yesterday`s broadside at AEK Athens for being too physical, Sam Allardyce has racked up the indignation with an extraordinary rant at some of his managerial colleagues. The first of his ire was reserved for former cohort Phil Brown, particularly on the appendage fastened to his head, "Who does he think he is with that stupid thing? Kylie Minogue? This ain`t x-factor son, what kind of an arse candle wears a headset on the touchline? You look like you`re working in a call centre son. Sort it!"

Allardyce then risked rupturing his life long crush on Alex Ferguson with an extraordinarily bizarre rant at the Manchester United manager`s touchline habits, "As for a knight of the realm, constantly grinding that jaw on a juicy fruit like some sort of post rave burn out. What a knob. At least close your mouth when you`re chewing, I`ve seen your tonsils and dentures closer than your dentist. And don`t throw your gum on the pitch when you`ve finished with it you mucky pup. Wrap it up and put it in a bin, there`s a good lad."

Not sated by those attacks, the walrus one had one last spittle splattered squeal from astride the soapbox. "And that Harry Redknapp, saying he would like to be England manager one day? How far up your own arse is it possible to be? I know he looks like a ball sack but that doesn`t mean he should talk like one. The England manager`s job is a prestigious job currently being carried out by one of Europe`s most successful managers. Why would the F.A. employ a rent-a-quote mid table wheeler dealer with allegations of shady financial dealings hanging over him?"

After their entirely incorrect assertion that Arsenal had "too many gippos" to meet the Premier League`s new squad regulations, as well as their article on Eduardo`s broken leg being "poetic justice for coming over here, nicking our jobs and doing them much better than us" the Daily Racist newspaper had followed up with yet more ill informed, xenophobic bile in an astonishing expose this morning. The paper`s leading journalist, Dick Littlejohnson went undercover at Arsenal`s training ground for a week to lift the lid on the club that appalled a nation by dismissing chip butties as a viable pre match meal.

Amongst his claims, Littlejohnson alleges that Arsenal`s players are all actually Kosovan refugees that pick up six figure weekly benefit cheques who also make extra money on the sly performing shows in seedy Soho clubs in which they do, "Gay stuff like singing and acting and stuff." Littlejohnson also reports that the training ground toilets do not feature toilet roll, but instead, each water closet comes fitted with a St. George`s flag. Players are given a bottle of laxatives each and encouraged to "poo like racehorses" before wiping their bums on the flag, laughing maniacally as they do. Littlejohnson further makes the flabbergasted claim that Arsene Wenger has never seen any of the Carry On films.

After his disastrous tenure as France national coach, Raymond Domenech has found new work surprisingly easy to come by with the announcement this morning that he will take over the role of tooth fairy with immediate effect. Domenech follows such luminaries as Michael Knighton, Alan Sugar and that last guy that owned Portsmouth- you know, the one that always wore the baseball cap- into the prestigious role. The news follows on from last week`s announcement that the previous incumbent of the role, Simon Cowell, had decided to retire after a chance encounter with someone who isn`t a talentless waste of oxygen had left him feeling "too confused" to fulfil the role any longer.

Domenech told an assembled national press that were actually an illusion of his overly febrile imagination. "When the leprechauns from Narnia came to me in my dream and offered me the job, I had to consult with the pixies that live in my bum. But they just told me, "Ray, the stars are currently aligned with Jupiter, so, you know, fill your boots Daddio." However, Domenech refused to be drawn on rumours that the Easter Bunny and Father Christmas were planning a walk out protest in response to the appointment.

A leading Premiership manager, who preferred to keep his identity private, has placated dribbling hacks everywhere by declaring "we like it up us!" from behind bombproof glass. After a series of idiotic football journalists have articulated the half baked idiom, "They don`t like it up 'em" usually in reference to teams full of those foreign players what pass the ball and junk.

The oft repeated phrase left intelligent people everywhere thinking, "Well, who are these mythical teams that enjoy a good kicking?" That was until one anonymous top flight coach broke the ranks. Speaking in a suspiciously genteel French accent, the masked assailant told a reporter, "There`s nothing my team loves more than getting kicked around by talentless cloggers. I mean, why bother playing within the rules of association football when you can just boot each other in the shins for 90 minutes?"

Supping on a pint of Stella, the mystery manager continued, "Nothing warms our cockles more than wheeling off one of our players after he`s had his shinbone snapped in two by another Neanderthal defender. Gives us all a great laugh, it`s what makes the British game special, innit? We had a great lark with the last lad who was taken off the pitch in an ambulance, the big Jesse! The captain was following his stretcher off the pitch making 'boo hoo` faces at him. The lads had a right laugh at that one."LD.

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Tim Stillman Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday July 30 2010

Time: 11:14AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Great piece LD. Looking forward to the next one:)
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 11:37:00

"which means that he has a face like your Nan`s vagina" - Man, this had me laughing like a drain whilst throwing up at the same time. Excellent piece Timbo!
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 11:57:00

LMAO! Hilarious stuff LD.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 12:11:00

Puyol has said almost word for word, what I posted on another thread last week. A case of great minds think alike;? Free Cesc Fabgregas!!!! You know it makes sense.
Clive 49
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30/07/2010 12:12:00

Gun 'Em Down
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 13:19:00

"ugly as sin,mutant version of sarah jessica parker & captain caveman"!! no way,thats fecking hilarious!! lmfao!
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 13:27:00

Arsenal no signings of note this season - no trophies this season - much as usual.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 14:59:00

If you're gonna try and take a potshot, try at least a modicum of wit or originality. Preferrably with something at least 5% related to the article too.
Little Dutch
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 15:03:00

You're in crackin' form at the moment LD. Dishing out a good kicking to quite a few bete noires will keeping a big smile on your face. That's the way it should be done.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 15:12:00

Little Dutch just doesn't like the truth - yet another year of failure under Wenger..............boring Spurs, thats a team.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 15:30:00

You'd be the expert of boring wouldn't you.....?
Little Dutch
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30/07/2010 15:40:00

Another year of failure would still better anything the Spuds have achieved. Now Villareal, that's a team too. Not much of one really but good enough to tonk the Spuds.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 15:41:00

Willy, you deserve many a trophy for the sport of Glory hunting.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 15:43:00

Keep going might try the one about Martin Keown walking backwards into The London Dungeon so he doesn't have to pay.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 15:55:00

Hahahhaha.... Brilliantly funny LD!
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 17:44:00

WACISM, you're all WACISTS, I 'ATE THIS COUNTWY!!! You obviously hate the tabloids more than a Michael Jackson fan Timbo.
Tony Rocky Horror
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30/07/2010 17:50:00

Also, what's the problem with Harry as a prospective England manager? Ok, he's dodgy. Well, he certainly managed to handle a delivery of cheap and nasty, easily breakable, foreign imports at the Lane a few months back. Eh, Amos?
Tony Rocky Horror
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30/07/2010 18:03:00

No idea what you're banging on about TRH. I heard some joker describe someone as being the "sort of person you find sitting on benches shouting at buses" a short time back. Your posts always make me think you are much the same sort of person. :)
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 19:04:00

No idea what i'm banging on about? I rest my case. Everything flies over your head doesn't it? you ought to try limbo dancing. :)
Tony Rocky Horror
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 21:14:00

Yep - just shouting at buses.
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 22:04:00

A spud thinks puyol is a "great mind" says it all really. I see willy wonka the wocky w@'ker is still stalking the site :)
Report Abuse
30/07/2010 23:16:00

Puyol masterminded the World Cup Winners' defence. He then stuck a Barca shirt where it belongs: on Cesc. He's now saying let Cesc come home, it's no good keeping someone who's heart is elsewhere. If he stays, I can see Fabregas tiptoeing through the coming season, keeping out of trouble and concentrating on being injury free for his beloved Barca the following season. Yep, great mind that Puyol!
Clive 49
Report Abuse
31/07/2010 10:15:00

If Puyol had such a great mind he would have considered that, even if our minds were changed and we did want to sell Cesc, we can't because they haven't made a big on ten weeks! How can we let the player go if they won't bid for him?
Little Dutch
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31/07/2010 12:04:00

hahahaha classic article LD. Nice work. keep it up.
Report Abuse
31/07/2010 12:05:00

Arsenal - no money - no trophies - simples - come on who have you signed ? - who have you lost? - why should you do better than last year? - come on use a bit of fiction.
Report Abuse
31/07/2010 14:15:00

Why to the sorry Spuds bother? They don't even read the articles, just spout the same old tired crap. Pathetic. Funny artlcle LD, maybe even the more enlightened Spuds would enjoy it if they could read.
Report Abuse
31/07/2010 17:48:00

Come on you Chelsea
Report Abuse
31/07/2010 17:49:00

Willy, first of all it will be nice if you decide once and for all who you support - Citeh or the Spuds. You cant keep flirting with both of them all the time. Secondly, what the beep have your club won for decades?
Report Abuse
31/07/2010 20:14:00

Making someone laugh is a tough skill, Tim. And thou art a master of that. Well done!
Report Abuse
31/07/2010 20:39:00

Hold on, didn't Arsenal finish above Citeh last season, Willy? Things really are boring on VMC, aren't they? Good luck for the next season Gunners, hopefully we'll be challenging for your Champ League spots....
Report Abuse
01/08/2010 18:26:00

Either the author has a number of pseudonyms, or I realise why My Family has such a large audience.
Report Abuse
01/08/2010 20:44:00

And I bet you tune into every single episode, before writing into Points of View to complain about it.
Little Dutch
Report Abuse
01/08/2010 21:04:00

What the hell are you doing on here Chucky - get back to Vital Everton .... you sychophant
Report Abuse
01/08/2010 22:54:00

Thanks chuck. Go back to your oily club site small willy.
Report Abuse
03/08/2010 11:11:00


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