Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Friday July 30 2010
Following on from the first edition of made up stuff, I decided to make up even more guff from the realms of my twisted imagination for you to pour over this fine Friday. Enjoy.
PUYOL "DEFFO A C**T" SAY SCIENTISTS
Leading Catalonian scientists yesterday confirmed that Barcelona captain Carles 'Caveman` Puyol, is undeniably, genetically and scientifically a massive tosspot, as well as being as ugly as sin. Puyol showed great courage to overcome proven allegations that he looks like the mutant offspring of Sarah Jessica Parker and Captain Caveman in 2003, but his professional life is now set for even greater scrutiny after this latest medical discovery.
Experts have long speculated that Puyol`s mouth breathing facial expressions as well as his torturous public outpourings equate to him being a hideous c**t, but last night scientists gave credence to those suspicions. Renowned Catalonian Genealogist Dr. Chavvy confirmed, "We have had Carles` DNA meticulously studied and we can confirm that he has the Despicable Mouthy Arsehole (DMA) gene, it appears enlarged on the 'Y` chromosome. It is estimated that one in three males suffer from this condition. Most are easily identified by the presence of red and blue striped shirts and begging bowls upon their person."
Dr. Chavvy continued, "But what makes Carles` case very unique is that he simultaneously demonstrates the presence of the Iain Dowie Gene (IDG), which means that he has a face like your Nan`s vagina, as well as being an overly talkative moron. This condition is usually exclusive to BNP voters and those people that trek to India on their daddy`s money to 'find themselves and stuff.` For a professional footballer to suffer these twin ailments is incredibly rare other than in the case of Robbie Keane. Having both DMA and IDG in the same set of chromosomes technically makes you less than human, Darwin made reference to the extremely rare 'Maximum Twatimus` mammal in Origin of the Species, that looks vaguely human and is capable of conversing with humans. Indeed, in a dark room with plenty of Merlot they may even pass themselves off as human. But they definitely aren`t human, Darwin contended that they were actually "massive c*nts" and to be avoided at all costs."
ALLARDYCE RIPS INTO "HEADSET WEARING, GUM CHEWING DELUSIONISTS."
Following on from yesterday`s broadside at AEK Athens for being too physical, Sam Allardyce has racked up the indignation with an extraordinary rant at some of his managerial colleagues. The first of his ire was reserved for former cohort Phil Brown, particularly on the appendage fastened to his head, "Who does he think he is with that stupid thing? Kylie Minogue? This ain`t x-factor son, what kind of an arse candle wears a headset on the touchline? You look like you`re working in a call centre son. Sort it!"
Allardyce then risked rupturing his life long crush on Alex Ferguson with an extraordinarily bizarre rant at the Manchester United manager`s touchline habits, "As for a knight of the realm, constantly grinding that jaw on a juicy fruit like some sort of post rave burn out. What a knob. At least close your mouth when you`re chewing, I`ve seen your tonsils and dentures closer than your dentist. And don`t throw your gum on the pitch when you`ve finished with it you mucky pup. Wrap it up and put it in a bin, there`s a good lad."
Not sated by those attacks, the walrus one had one last spittle splattered squeal from astride the soapbox. "And that Harry Redknapp, saying he would like to be England manager one day? How far up your own arse is it possible to be? I know he looks like a ball sack but that doesn`t mean he should talk like one. The England manager`s job is a prestigious job currently being carried out by one of Europe`s most successful managers. Why would the F.A. employ a rent-a-quote mid table wheeler dealer with allegations of shady financial dealings hanging over him?"
ARSENAL FULL OF 'HOMOS AND ASYLUM SEEKERS` SAYS DAILY RACIST
After their entirely incorrect assertion that Arsenal had "too many gippos" to meet the Premier League`s new squad regulations, as well as their article on Eduardo`s broken leg being "poetic justice for coming over here, nicking our jobs and doing them much better than us" the Daily Racist newspaper had followed up with yet more ill informed, xenophobic bile in an astonishing expose this morning. The paper`s leading journalist, Dick Littlejohnson went undercover at Arsenal`s training ground for a week to lift the lid on the club that appalled a nation by dismissing chip butties as a viable pre match meal.
Amongst his claims, Littlejohnson alleges that Arsenal`s players are all actually Kosovan refugees that pick up six figure weekly benefit cheques who also make extra money on the sly performing shows in seedy Soho clubs in which they do, "Gay stuff like singing and acting and stuff." Littlejohnson also reports that the training ground toilets do not feature toilet roll, but instead, each water closet comes fitted with a St. George`s flag. Players are given a bottle of laxatives each and encouraged to "poo like racehorses" before wiping their bums on the flag, laughing maniacally as they do. Littlejohnson further makes the flabbergasted claim that Arsene Wenger has never seen any of the Carry On films.
DOMENECH UNVEILED AS NEW TOOTH FAIRY
After his disastrous tenure as France national coach, Raymond Domenech has found new work surprisingly easy to come by with the announcement this morning that he will take over the role of tooth fairy with immediate effect. Domenech follows such luminaries as Michael Knighton, Alan Sugar and that last guy that owned Portsmouth- you know, the one that always wore the baseball cap- into the prestigious role. The news follows on from last week`s announcement that the previous incumbent of the role, Simon Cowell, had decided to retire after a chance encounter with someone who isn`t a talentless waste of oxygen had left him feeling "too confused" to fulfil the role any longer.
Domenech told an assembled national press that were actually an illusion of his overly febrile imagination. "When the leprechauns from Narnia came to me in my dream and offered me the job, I had to consult with the pixies that live in my bum. But they just told me, "Ray, the stars are currently aligned with Jupiter, so, you know, fill your boots Daddio." However, Domenech refused to be drawn on rumours that the Easter Bunny and Father Christmas were planning a walk out protest in response to the appointment.
'WE LIKE IT UP US` SAYS ANONYMOUS PREMIERSHIP MANAGER
A leading Premiership manager, who preferred to keep his identity private, has placated dribbling hacks everywhere by declaring "we like it up us!" from behind bombproof glass. After a series of idiotic football journalists have articulated the half baked idiom, "They don`t like it up 'em" usually in reference to teams full of those foreign players what pass the ball and junk.
The oft repeated phrase left intelligent people everywhere thinking, "Well, who are these mythical teams that enjoy a good kicking?" That was until one anonymous top flight coach broke the ranks. Speaking in a suspiciously genteel French accent, the masked assailant told a reporter, "There`s nothing my team loves more than getting kicked around by talentless cloggers. I mean, why bother playing within the rules of association football when you can just boot each other in the shins for 90 minutes?"
Supping on a pint of Stella, the mystery manager continued, "Nothing warms our cockles more than wheeling off one of our players after he`s had his shinbone snapped in two by another Neanderthal defender. Gives us all a great laugh, it`s what makes the British game special, innit? We had a great lark with the last lad who was taken off the pitch in an ambulance, the big Jesse! The captain was following his stretcher off the pitch making 'boo hoo` faces at him. The lads had a right laugh at that one."LD.
Date:Friday July 30 2010
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Team News: Last Game Of The Season (Sunday May 19 2013)
The Squeaky Bum Preview (Friday May 17 2013)
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