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Even More Made Up Stuff

Pious morons everywhere have hailed the recent "young male millionaire gets his end away with hooker" tabloid expose surrounding Wayne Rooney as their most significant week yet. With the final series of Big Brother being mercifully put to sleep like some kind of intellectual euthanasia and the upcoming visit of the Pope to Britain, dribbling, moralising idiots everywhere were looking at a couple of weeks without something to tut and whinge about. But Wayne Rooney`s act of horizontal dancing with some vacuous strumpet has "filled what was beginning to look like a void in our meaningless little lives" a lead moron said.

Matthew Logan, Head Bore at the Institute of Morons told waiting reporters; "This story has come as a massive relief. With Madonna putting her craggy old fanny away for two minutes and the next edition of Grand Theft Auto at least a year away, we were struggling to find ways in which to superimpose our ignorance and lack of self worth onto anything. But the news that 'rich man has sex with woman that isn`t his missus` well, now we`re talking," he said, rubbing his palms onto his knees.

"The Institute is awash with activity as we rabidly scribble letters to the Daily Mail which feign concern for Mrs. Rooney, but really, are just a way of us justifying our belief that we have the right to judge the private lives of people we`ve never met just because we`ve seen their face in the papers. At the same time, it also allows us to use our favourite phrase, 'it wouldn`t have happened if Diana were still alive."

Mrs. Jane Etherington, a stuffy old puffin from Stevenage, added; "My little Nathan looks up to people like Rooney- largely cos I can`t be bothered to be a parent and just tell my child to copy whatever famous people are doing. It`s disgusting; it`s like Rooney doesn`t care that I`ve placed my set of morals onto him on the flimsy basis than he earns more money than I do."

When asked what in the name of Satan`s portion gives her the right to superglue her moral standards onto somebody she has never met, Mrs. Etherington replied, "Well, he shouldn`t kick a bloody ball around on the tellybox if he doesn`t want brainless sheep like me judging him. Besides, he sold his wedding photos to Hello magazine. That automatically gives me the right to know the intimate details of his marriage. Now, if you`ll excuse me, my next door neighbour invited me around for dinner last week, so I`m just gonna climb in through his bedroom window and paw through his underwear drawer."

Stoke City centre half and aspiring nuclear physicist Ryan Shawcross has pondered on some of life`s great mysteries in a recent interview with the Stoke City programme. Speaking about the recent Israeli raids on Gaza, Professor Shawcross pontificated; "I know, Israel and Palestine seem to squabble a lot. It`s weird, it`s almost like they`re in some kind of dispute or something."

Just as Shawcross was eruditely outlining his curiosity around the fact that increased eating appears to lead to weight gain, the interview was interrupted by a torrential downpour of rain at Stoke`s training ground. Shortly after Tony Pulis wiped the dribble from young Ryan`s chin, Shawcross told the interviewer, who has desperately sheltering under an umbrella, "It`s weird, the longer I stand in the rain, the wetter I seem to get. I don`t understand it, but I`m beginning to think the two events might be connected."

Peckham market trader Derek 'Del Boy` Trotter has reacted with fury at the media perception of him as a "right old dodgy cockney wide boy who I wouldn`t buy a second hand tomato peeler from." After some 25 years of trading in London`s run down Borough of Southwark, the popular market trader and star of long running reality TV show 'Only Fools and Horses` has earned a reputation as a wheeler dealer.

But in a recent interview with The Economist, Mr. Trotter seemed keen to refute his image. When interviewer Bob Balmer asked the seemingly innocent question, "You`ve got a reputation for being a right slippery c**t." Trotter exploded in a foul mouthed tirade.

"Listen, them Rolexes I sold was gen-u-wine and no I did not fill up all of those Calvin Klein perfume bottles with my dog`s piss and flog 'em on. Listen 'ere, I ain`t no faaaackin wheeler dealer, I`m an entrepreneur. Now, do you want this special edition Korean DVD of Tottenham`s 0-0 1991 Charity Shield draw with Arsenal or not?!"

As Britain comes to terms with the greatest economic downturn since, err, the last one, which was probably under Thatcher or something, Arsenal fans have given their view on the reason that Britons are currently having to consider not wasting their money on stuff they don`t need.

Mr. Michael Papadopoulos, a season ticket holder since the time Arsenal starting winning stuff again, said; "I make my living as a hairdresser, and ever since Almunia got that Vanilla Ice bleach job, nobody wants to highlight their hair anymore. This has hit my income. If it were Rob Green was waving opposition shots into the Arsenal net, I`d be much better off."

Mr. Richard Hatchett, a Talksport listener from Hackney, shouted; "Almunia in our goal makes me so depressed, that instead of spending time doing my job and contributing to the economy, I spend all day ranting on Arsenal blogs about how he`s the worst goalkeeper in the history of football. That`s got take at least 20p out of the economy every year."

When asked by the incredulous interviewer if the Lehman brothers might have had more to do with the economic downturn, Mr. Hatchett spat back, "Naaah, the Lehman brothers were mint in goal for the Arsenal."

Manchester City head case Emmanuel Adebayor has waded into one of the biggest musical debates of our time by outlining his belief that X Factor puppet Olly Murs is a more significant artist than the era defining Liverpudlian quartet The Beatles. Despite their string of epoch making songs, genre defining albums and inestimable cultural impact, Adebayor reckons history will look upon the 60s rock group as mere roadies for the trailblazing karaoke slut Olly Murs.
"I know the Beatles` legacy echoes through musical history and that they wrote a clutch of albums that have made them the cultural reference point for the 1960s, but, you know, Murs has had a nice expensive haircut," Adebayor reeled off at 1,000mph.

"You also have to consider that his publicists recently spent a lot of money promoting his latest God awful piece of soulless pop pap. I think if his next single goes to Number 1, Murs will of course be considered bigger than the Beatles and, by extension, you`d have to say, bigger than Jesus."LD.

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Tim Stillman Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Thursday September 9 2010

Time: 11:31AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

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Lol, you need to far more of these articles during international breaks LD
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09/09/2010 12:28:00

"It`s weird, the longer I stand in the rain, the wetter I seem to get. I don`t understand it, but I`m beginning to think the two events might be connected." -- ABSOLUTELY DYING OVER HERE!!! :-D ROFL!!!
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09/09/2010 12:57:00

This is pure genius. More like this please LD! (Reminds me of The Fiver in the Guardian - my other favourite column :) )
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09/09/2010 13:05:00

Good stuff LD!
Sir Henry
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09/09/2010 14:41:00

Hialrious stuff.
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09/09/2010 16:01:00

Love it! Maybe the toilet papers should write like this.
insider says
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09/09/2010 17:44:00

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09/09/2010 17:52:00

The quotes attributed to Shawcross actually make him sound a bit brighter than I thought he was.
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09/09/2010 17:58:00

SOME NOT SO MADE UP STUFF - Laurent Blanc re Diaby post-Bosnia match (in which France, like ya know, actually WON a football match! And, uh, like, did it playing--gasp!--WELL!!): "his expected technical skills for example, he can do a little jig of someone much more agile" / "despite his tall and slender profile, he manages to string together confusing chains of dribbles, but he must be confident" / "he's a very good player, he is unique because he's very big, has technical skill while moving that is a little unique". And the Guardian's Paul Doyle on Diaby post-Bosnia game: Brillliant with his control, the Arsenal player at times performed like a real scheming leader and set up the goal."
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09/09/2010 19:06:00

@ Jaelle, i heard on the guardian podcast that he played as the play maker. Did you watch the game? I haven't found anyone who did yet and i was really interested in knowing how each of our boys played.
insider says
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09/09/2010 20:03:00

Ti hi hi!!!
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09/09/2010 21:13:00

a bit off topic here, read this on my friend's facebook update, thought i'd share it.......have yu ever looked at club badges? A lion, a sign of bravery on Chelsea's crest. A cannon, a strong powerful team on Arsenals crest. West Ham iron hammers. A devil, the symbol Manu wear on their shirt and Spurs? A ******** Chicken trying to balance on a beach ball lmao..
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09/09/2010 21:21:00

brilliant write-up, LD.. You can actually pursue a career in literature, ya know!
shady gunna
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09/09/2010 22:00:00

tim stillman u need to take allan hansens job.....his stories r just like good 4 a laugh
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09/09/2010 23:32:00

You've over written Shawcross LD, he doesn't know what rain is.
Professor Calculus
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10/09/2010 00:15:00

Encore, LD!
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10/09/2010 02:53:00

great stuff
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10/09/2010 08:10:00

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10/09/2010 08:45:00

Copied and pasted from a skysports write up on tomorrows game ''Bolton striker Kevin Davies may have to curb his combative style, which continues to upset Premier League officials as Davies again topped the most fouls list last season'' why say it like that? why not say 'Kevin Davies needs to stop fouling' why make it out like its 'upset' refs that are the problem? I hate skysports
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10/09/2010 14:16:00

insider, Diaby in recent France games (yes, even the poor ones) has grown more and more into the playmaker role. Even tho France lost at home v. Belarus, the French did play quite well, they just couldn't convert. And Diaby was great in both games. He's gotten more and more attention in the French football media and among France fans. Under Blanc, he has even more responsibility in dictating the game. Against Bosnia, he tired their defenders out and repeatedly tricked them. He rarely lost the ball. He also was quite strong in backtracking and tackling. He linked up brilliantly with Benzema, Valbuena and M'vila (a real find for Blanc, a superb DM prospect). Amazing how so many of Arsenal's CMs--once given a chance to shine as an AM instead of being shunted to the wing--show what they can really do.
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10/09/2010 15:27:00

What gooners can expect from Squilacci, from a French football journo:
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10/09/2010 21:00:00

Here's NY Red Bulls fan on the PATH train discovering that Henry and Rafa Marquez were on the same train (this was last month): PATH train photo Henry Rafa fan - both Henry and Marquez use the PATH to get to/from the stadium, it's easier than the car (it's not the subway but a commuter rail line into NJ).
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10/09/2010 21:39:00

Jaelle, thanks for the link on Sqillaci. With TV likely out for this weekend, I still worry, though, about the prospects of us playing 2 CBs with no proven experience in the EPL, and against a Bolton side that plays a variant of the typical English game that Arsenal is, purportedly, unable to cope with. That said, I do expect an Arsenal win on Saturday.
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10/09/2010 22:12:00

Jaelle, Thanks alot for the run-down. This is a video of Diabys performance vs Bosnia earlier ... . It's good to know he's being used in a proactive way by Blanc and it seems to be aiding his confidence. Just hope he stays injury free now because he needs that consistency, and then i think we'll see the beast that lies within emerge and stamp his authority on the bigger teams.
insider says
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10/09/2010 23:12:00

Strange article that about French defenders. The one thing you can say about the French teams of Domenech's era is that they weren't usually terribly easy to beat. If anything their loss has been in the creative element of midfield.
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10/09/2010 23:41:00

agreed amos, I seem to recall a lot of 0-0 or 1-1 type matches
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11/09/2010 03:04:00


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