Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Thursday September 9 2010
ROONEY SCANDAL 'A FIELD DAY FOR US` SAY MORONS
Pious morons everywhere have hailed the recent "young male millionaire gets his end away with hooker" tabloid expose surrounding Wayne Rooney as their most significant week yet. With the final series of Big Brother being mercifully put to sleep like some kind of intellectual euthanasia and the upcoming visit of the Pope to Britain, dribbling, moralising idiots everywhere were looking at a couple of weeks without something to tut and whinge about. But Wayne Rooney`s act of horizontal dancing with some vacuous strumpet has "filled what was beginning to look like a void in our meaningless little lives" a lead moron said.
Matthew Logan, Head Bore at the Institute of Morons told waiting reporters; "This story has come as a massive relief. With Madonna putting her craggy old fanny away for two minutes and the next edition of Grand Theft Auto at least a year away, we were struggling to find ways in which to superimpose our ignorance and lack of self worth onto anything. But the news that 'rich man has sex with woman that isn`t his missus` well, now we`re talking," he said, rubbing his palms onto his knees.
"The Institute is awash with activity as we rabidly scribble letters to the Daily Mail which feign concern for Mrs. Rooney, but really, are just a way of us justifying our belief that we have the right to judge the private lives of people we`ve never met just because we`ve seen their face in the papers. At the same time, it also allows us to use our favourite phrase, 'it wouldn`t have happened if Diana were still alive."
Mrs. Jane Etherington, a stuffy old puffin from Stevenage, added; "My little Nathan looks up to people like Rooney- largely cos I can`t be bothered to be a parent and just tell my child to copy whatever famous people are doing. It`s disgusting; it`s like Rooney doesn`t care that I`ve placed my set of morals onto him on the flimsy basis than he earns more money than I do."
When asked what in the name of Satan`s portion gives her the right to superglue her moral standards onto somebody she has never met, Mrs. Etherington replied, "Well, he shouldn`t kick a bloody ball around on the tellybox if he doesn`t want brainless sheep like me judging him. Besides, he sold his wedding photos to Hello magazine. That automatically gives me the right to know the intimate details of his marriage. Now, if you`ll excuse me, my next door neighbour invited me around for dinner last week, so I`m just gonna climb in through his bedroom window and paw through his underwear drawer."
STUFF IS 'WEIRD` SAYS SHAWCROSS
Stoke City centre half and aspiring nuclear physicist Ryan Shawcross has pondered on some of life`s great mysteries in a recent interview with the Stoke City programme. Speaking about the recent Israeli raids on Gaza, Professor Shawcross pontificated; "I know, Israel and Palestine seem to squabble a lot. It`s weird, it`s almost like they`re in some kind of dispute or something."
Just as Shawcross was eruditely outlining his curiosity around the fact that increased eating appears to lead to weight gain, the interview was interrupted by a torrential downpour of rain at Stoke`s training ground. Shortly after Tony Pulis wiped the dribble from young Ryan`s chin, Shawcross told the interviewer, who has desperately sheltering under an umbrella, "It`s weird, the longer I stand in the rain, the wetter I seem to get. I don`t understand it, but I`m beginning to think the two events might be connected."
'I AIN`T A WHEELER DEALER` SAYS DEL BOY
Peckham market trader Derek 'Del Boy` Trotter has reacted with fury at the media perception of him as a "right old dodgy cockney wide boy who I wouldn`t buy a second hand tomato peeler from." After some 25 years of trading in London`s run down Borough of Southwark, the popular market trader and star of long running reality TV show 'Only Fools and Horses` has earned a reputation as a wheeler dealer.
But in a recent interview with The Economist, Mr. Trotter seemed keen to refute his image. When interviewer Bob Balmer asked the seemingly innocent question, "You`ve got a reputation for being a right slippery c**t." Trotter exploded in a foul mouthed tirade.
"Listen, them Rolexes I sold was gen-u-wine and no I did not fill up all of those Calvin Klein perfume bottles with my dog`s piss and flog 'em on. Listen 'ere, I ain`t no faaaackin wheeler dealer, I`m an entrepreneur. Now, do you want this special edition Korean DVD of Tottenham`s 0-0 1991 Charity Shield draw with Arsenal or not?!"
ALMUNIA TO BLAME FOR RECESSION, SAY ARSENAL FANS
As Britain comes to terms with the greatest economic downturn since, err, the last one, which was probably under Thatcher or something, Arsenal fans have given their view on the reason that Britons are currently having to consider not wasting their money on stuff they don`t need.
Mr. Michael Papadopoulos, a season ticket holder since the time Arsenal starting winning stuff again, said; "I make my living as a hairdresser, and ever since Almunia got that Vanilla Ice bleach job, nobody wants to highlight their hair anymore. This has hit my income. If it were Rob Green was waving opposition shots into the Arsenal net, I`d be much better off."
Mr. Richard Hatchett, a Talksport listener from Hackney, shouted; "Almunia in our goal makes me so depressed, that instead of spending time doing my job and contributing to the economy, I spend all day ranting on Arsenal blogs about how he`s the worst goalkeeper in the history of football. That`s got take at least 20p out of the economy every year."
When asked by the incredulous interviewer if the Lehman brothers might have had more to do with the economic downturn, Mr. Hatchett spat back, "Naaah, the Lehman brothers were mint in goal for the Arsenal."
ADEBAYOR: "OLLY MURS BIGGER THAN THE BEATLES."
Manchester City head case Emmanuel Adebayor has waded into one of the biggest musical debates of our time by outlining his belief that X Factor puppet Olly Murs is a more significant artist than the era defining Liverpudlian quartet The Beatles. Despite their string of epoch making songs, genre defining albums and inestimable cultural impact, Adebayor reckons history will look upon the 60s rock group as mere roadies for the trailblazing karaoke slut Olly Murs.
"I know the Beatles` legacy echoes through musical history and that they wrote a clutch of albums that have made them the cultural reference point for the 1960s, but, you know, Murs has had a nice expensive haircut," Adebayor reeled off at 1,000mph.
"You also have to consider that his publicists recently spent a lot of money promoting his latest God awful piece of soulless pop pap. I think if his next single goes to Number 1, Murs will of course be considered bigger than the Beatles and, by extension, you`d have to say, bigger than Jesus."LD.
Date:Thursday September 9 2010
Kroenke's £3m Can Be Understood (Wednesday October 29 2014)
Three Points And No Mistake! (Sunday October 26 2014)
Team News: Sunderland vs Arsenal - Walcott as Sub (Saturday October 25 2014)
Sunderland v Arsenal Match Preview (Friday October 24 2014)
A Busted Flush (Thursday October 23 2014)
Isn't It The Sign Of A Great Team? (Thursday October 23 2014)
Team News: Anderlecht vs Arsenal (Wednesday October 22 2014)
Anderlecht v Arsenal Match Preview (Tuesday October 21 2014)
Hell Will Freeze Over Before I Sign For Spurs (Monday October 20 2014)
The State Of Play (Sunday October 19 2014)
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