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Even More Made Up Stuff

With baby faced martyr Ryan Shawcross due to return to Ashburton Grove this weekend for the first time since his studs were disgracefully blunted by Aaron Ramsey`s shinbone, Stoke City have revealed details of the extra security Professor Shawcross will be subject to upon his descent into North London. With fears amassing that poor Ryan might be subjected to a bit of booing, the Potters have ramped up their security detail for the fixture.

After wiping an errant tear from his eyes, Stoke Chairman Peter Coates grunted, "We have special plans for Ryan so that his sweet little cotton ears won`t have to be subject to the low brow language of the natives. Ryan will be airlifted into the Emirates Stadium by the archangel Gabriel, with three thousand white doves flanking him. We respectfully request that the stadium PA lines up Leonard Cohen`s 'Hallelujah` ready for Ryan`s descent. We might allow Arsene Wenger to touch the hem of Ryan`s white gown as a symbol of his apology, but we`ll have to see if Ryan is up to that."

Meanwhile, Stoke manager Tony Penis has assured the concerned masses that Saint Ryan is of fit state psychologically to play Arsenal`s brittle bullies; "We did have some concerns, the Arsenal lads shin and ankle bones do tend to snap under the slightest thousand mile an hour duress and we were concerned that the sound of bones snapping might hurt Ryan`s feelings again. But fortunately, he assures me that he`s ready to play on Saturday, he`ll be leaping into tackles at unnecessary speeds and angles as usual."

FIFA has bowed to public and media pressure to be more transparent around the requirements for the bid to host the FIFA World Cup. With the fallout continuing as the world governing body coincidentally awarded the World Cup to the bidding nations with the most draconian media restrictions, FIFA Head Honcho Septic Bladder has acquiesced to demands for greater transparency in the bidding criteria.

Briefly taking his snout out of a nearby money trough, Bladder confirmed, "The 2026 World Cup bidding process will basically be down to which country has the best strip clubs and junk. Plus, I could really do with some new snake skin loafers, so we would probably look favourably on hosting the competition in the Arizona desert. In addition, the host country should be prepared to waive certain laws for FIFA Executives. So, you know, if me and Jack Warner feel like kicking back and drinking the blood of the native children whilst masturbating ourselves into an early grave, we should be able to. Spit spot."

Meanwhile, the England bidding team have confirmed they will be preparing a bid to host the 2026 World Cup, but an F.A. Spokesman revealed this effort will take a slightly different angle to the ill fated 2018 bid, "This bid will be based entirely on lies and poison, which is why Nick Clegg will head it up. Who fancies a polonium baguette?"

Newly unemployed loudmouth Sam Allardyce has immediately placed himself back in the job market with freshly bonkers claims that grandly exaggerate his abilities. With a mouth full of Ginsters, Allardyce spat at a reporter, "I, the great Sam Allardici, have just taken Yeovil to the Champions League Final on Champ Manager 2011," he then paused for dramatic effect before declaring, "On the hardest setting!"

Before the reporter had a chance to ask why in fricking blazers anyone would possibly care, Allardyce wibbled; "If an unemployed foreign manager had done that, like, I dunno, Graeme Souness, you lot would be scribbling eulogies to the man whilst he was wined and dined by Real Madrid`s top brass. Instead, look at me, sitting around in my M & S Y`s, eating pies and stewing in me own juices. I the great Allardici, deserve more respect. Now if you`ll excuse me, I`m off to prepare for a hot date. Fergie might let me go to second base tonight so I must comb my nostril hair."

Handsome and in no way whiny Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez has lifted the lid on his curious fall out with City club executives. Following on from the highest paid player in Britain`s complaint about the game`s money obsessed culture, as well as his public transfer request curiously citing differences with the Citeh suits, Tevez revealed the minutiae of his frustrations.

"I don`t ask for much, all I ask from City is for attractive female monkey butlers and a hovercraft powered entirely by Emmanuel Adebayor`s sense of self worth. But the City executives, they give me monkey butlers that smoke cigars and wear top hats. I wanted sexy monkey butlers, like Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes. Instead I get chimps that look like Gareth Bale`s midget brothers."

In a sustained effort to remind the nation he is a complete cretin, Mike Ashley has made another bold move with a new appointment in the Newcastle backroom staff. Obviously bored with the club`s brief flirtation with stability, Ashley announced his latest backroom shake up at a press conference.

Wearing a black and white striped mankini and comedy moustache, Ashley told reporters, "The rumours are true, I have appointed hip hop lothario Dr. Dre to be our new fitness coach. Think about it, a player comes in one pound overweight, pow! His ass gets pistol whipped. We have to keep Sol Campbell away from the buffet somehow! Plus, you know, he`s a Doctor and s**t." Ashley also confirmed he was currently in talks with Sam Allardyce around reprising him as manager, having heard of his stellar performance with Yeovil Town on Championship Manager.LD.

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

The Journalist

Writer: Tim Stillman Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday December 17 2010

Time: 11:01AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Well, its Barcelona again. Anyone confident? Let's get at em and look forward to Real Madrid in the next round.
Wyn Mills
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17/12/2010 11:23:00

lmfao, barca! another trophyless year goons?
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 11:28:00

You make it sound like your confident of beating AC Milan. Good luck to you
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 11:29:00

I personally feel that we should give Arsene the boot and get Allardyce in. It's an opportunity not to be missed!
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17/12/2010 11:34:00

Wyn, can't say that I share your optimism mate.
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17/12/2010 11:36:00

I'm sharing Wenger's bravado foochan. After he sent an under strength team to Shatkar I realised he really wanted to maximise the chances of us meeting Barca.
Wyn Mills
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17/12/2010 11:40:00

Well, we're massive under dogs aren't we? I hope the saga over the summer, as well as the beating we got last season focusses some minds. Hopefully, we'll be able to put something approaching a full team out this time. Let's give it a go and see what happens. We need to beat Barca if we're going to win it anyway and if we were to knock them out, I would back us to win the thing big time.
Little Dutch
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17/12/2010 11:43:00

We started with a full team last year at the bowl!
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17/12/2010 11:50:00

Dont forget, they are more than a club.. They are a bunch of wan*ers too. If we can have a near full team this time then we can put up a decent challenge. It will be difficult, but people pointing at the 4-1 last season need to remember it was a team without Gallas, Song, Fabregas, Arshavin & Van Persie of the top of my head. Im sure the bench had Traore & Eastmund on it too. Now if we can all pray that Messi & Xavi have the flu virus on both the dates i will be happy
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17/12/2010 11:56:00

If you remembered Shewhore although when the whistle blew we had a close to full team(minus RVP, but who can count on him anyway) Arshavin limped of after 20 minutes, and near half time Gallas was pulled off. We then conceded 2 goals which were largely the fault of our replacement CB Song
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 12:05:00

Yeah, just being a pedant. We have no chance - just fight and don't give up.
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 12:07:00

Barca again? Hope you'll have Vermaelen back by then, he seems one of the few hopes you have of stopping Messi, Villa, Iniesta, Xavi, Pedro et al. Though seeing what they did to Mourinho's extremely expensive, intensive tactical side should make anyone on the continent a tad queasy. But re AC Milan, you miss the point. We're not in it to win the damn thing, that would be a bonus. Though an admittedly massive one. We're in it to test ourselves against Europe's best, raise our profile a bit and adapt to the highest level of the game. The pressure's always been off, and I for one am looking forward to seeing Bale and Lennon rip into their ***** poor full backs, namely Antonini and co. It'll be a cracking tie, that's for sure.
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17/12/2010 12:13:00

A nice sardonic poke at the overvalued and underdisparaged characters in football.
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17/12/2010 12:49:00

Well that's just fictional.
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 13:37:00

Bad for us. Dreadful for you. Emotional for Fabregas.
Tony Rocky Horror
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17/12/2010 13:55:00

TRH, think you guys will knock out Milan-they have no pace or power-they're doing well in Serie A but are just ok in the CL. Don't think they'll be able to handle your youth and pace-plus the novelty factor, they don't know much about you, which is always a good thing in the CL.
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 14:23:00

I think all us gooners were incredibly relieved when it was reported yesterday in various papers that that nice young man Ryan has recovered well from breaking Aaron's leg.
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 14:24:00

I heard Shawcross put up the bail for Julian Assange.
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17/12/2010 14:33:00

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17/12/2010 14:43:00

I see Pulis has emerged from his cave dragging his knuckles and grunting loudly again.
Wyn Mills
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17/12/2010 14:58:00

Excellent piece. I actually snorted like a pig at the Gareth Bale's midget brother part!! lol
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17/12/2010 15:42:00

Tony Penis haha
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17/12/2010 16:01:00

I hope you're right jaelle, but I think, on this occasion it might be a bridge too far. A lot will depend on which leg we play first.
Tony Rocky Horror
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17/12/2010 16:58:00

Yeah I agree with Jaelle unfortunately, AC is probably one of the easier ties Spurs could have got. The Spuddies have far too much pace and fitness for their ageing legs.
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 17:07:00

lordjohnny???? Barca game is a game we are going to play just to satisfy Eufa CL. I see the spurs winning and getting into the qtr finals. I remember what we did to AC in CL 07/08 season home and away. Lord the memory of Hleb, Flamini, Rosicky, Cesc midfield has not left me graahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 20:33:00

LD - this is ******** excellent mate. Proper funny.

"I don`t ask for much, all I ask from City is for attractive female monkey butlers and a hovercraft powered entirely by Emmanuel Adebayor`s sense of self worth"

This is golden.
Report Abuse
17/12/2010 22:51:00

great piece LD - I needed a good laugh right now
Report Abuse
18/12/2010 13:43:00

Thats Freakin Hilarious LD!
Report Abuse
19/12/2010 18:08:00

Arseniger-Apologies for my tardy reply. My oblique reference was a tribute to your brave and honest statement in the previous post, which was pilloried by most of the coterie of one-hand clappers who populate this site, and how you viewed this one?
Report Abuse
21/12/2010 20:25:00

Have some dignity man. One sniff of sherry and your knickers are around your ankles. :-)
Little Dutch
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22/12/2010 15:18:00


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