Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Tuesday January 25 2011
'DEM BITCHEZ, DEY ALL LOVE ME` SAYS KEYS
Sky Sports anchormen Richard Keys and Andy Gray made a public apology last night, following the controversy over remarks made about Lineswoman Sian Massey. Keys was first in front of the cameras to express his regret at his dated sentiments; "I would like to apologise for my remarks, firstly I`d like to apologise to Miss Massey. Having reviewed footage of Liverpool`s first goal, I now see that Miss Massey has a cracking set of tits. Secondly, I`d like to apologise to any female viewers I may have offended. Particularly those of you that are on the blob."
Gray was swift to follow up with gargled contrition, "I would like to stress that I very much value women`s contribution to society. That is why, as a gesture of apology, I am donating my week`s salary to Stringfellows bar in Wardour Street." A Sky spokesman confirmed that Gray and Keys would be recording a charity single as part of their punishment with all proceeds going to the Women`s Institute. Gray and Keys` version of Ludacris` smash hit "Move Bitch" is expected in shops next month.
"I AIN`T NO FAAAACKIN WHEELER DEALER" SAYS REDKNAPP MUGGER
Harry Redknapp`s Madrid mugger was last night left fuming at allegations of being nothing but a petty thief, leeching a sordid living together off of hard working tax payers such as Redknapp. 43 year old Madrid street urchin Pedro Sanchez spat furiously at a nearby throng of reporters, "I ain`t no faaaaackin wheeler dealer, I`m an entrepreneur. I saw a good opportunity and I took it, like any true businessman. I knew Redknapp was vulnerable to continental attacks, but this time he wouldn`t have Gareth Bale around to paper over the cracks."
Meanwhile, Redknapp was contrite over the pick pocketing and revealed he was so impressed by Sanchez`s turn of pace, that he had try to buy his assailant, "Yeah I had contact with his agent, but I tried to throw in Robbie Keane as a makeweight and they didn`t wanna know. Look`s like the deal`s dead in the water." When asked how the event had affected him psychologically, Redknapp was philosophical, "To be fair, I`ve been mugged worse than this before. Remember Marco Boogers?"
JAN MOLBY APPOINTED AS LIVERPOOL DIETICIAN
In a thinly veiled attempt at playing to the misty eyed Kop populace, new Liverpool Chairman John Henry has made a series of sweeping backroom reforms designed to rekindle Liverpool`s 1980s heyday. With the appointment of former manager Kenny Dogleash proving a hit with many a sentimental Scouser; Henry has made a series of moves for people that were connected with Liverpool back in the days when they used to be vaguely relevant.
Mark Lawrenson and Alan Hansen have been prised from the Match of the Day sofa to join the coaching staff, to the unremitted joy of license fee payers everywhere, whilst Jan Molby will now be in charge of the players` diet and fitness routines. Henry also revealed that the Chuckle Brothers and Gary and Barry from the Harry Enfield Scousers sketch have all been offered positions at the club. Henry was quoted as saying; "Well, we`re in the grip of a miserable recession with a po faced Tory Prime Minister. We figure if we all don shell suits and close our eyes for long enough, the 1980s might actually come back again."
New Communications Director John Barnes then took the mic, rapping:
"With Mark Lawrenson`s tache and Kevin Keegan`s perm;
Your face will turn to ash when Peter Beardsley gurns/
We`ve got Phil Thompson`s nose and Grobelaar`s knees,
With my hip hop flows, we`re gonna win the league."
BRITISH ECONOMY TO BE BOOSTED BY 'INEVITABLE VAN PERSIE INJURY` SAYS CHANCELLOR
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has revealed he expects the moribund UK Economy to be boosted by an inevitable injury to Arsenal`s star striker Robin van Persie. Speaking outside Number 10 Downing Street, Osborne assured gathered reporters, "Industry, by its nature, is very difficult to predict, but after years of forecasting and analysis, we have worked out that Robin van Persie ankle injuries tend to strike between mid January and mid February like clockwork. As a result, we are expecting a steady rise in consumer spending."
Osborne continued, "van Persie is typically injured just as he reaches the zenith of his goal scoring form and with seven goals in five games, we are anticipating his demise any day now. Forecasts already show that sales of monkey placenta and unicorn piss have gone through the roof, presumably as dodgy backstreet medics expect to be given permission to treat the injury by Arsenal`s medical staff. Whilst the betting industry is seeing a steady rise in bets placed, as bookies have opened the book on how and where van Persie will be crocked. Now, I`ve got 10-1 he tears a thigh muscle curling one out on the crapper. Who wants a piece?"LD.
Follow me on twitter @LittleDutchVA
Date:Tuesday January 25 2011
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