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Alternative End of Season Awards

Alternative End of Season Awards

It`s interesting that end of season awards happen no matter what has gone on in the preceding season. Has your club been relegated? They`ll still have an end of season ceremony where players are praised. Imagine if a bank lost all its money then gave huge bonuses to those who led it to its demise. We just wouldn`t put up with it.

The season at Arsenal has been one of near misses. Like the bay window at Alcatraz; always so close. With that in mind I`ve put together a Vital Arsenal Alternative End of Season Awards Ceremony.

Goalkeeper of the Season

Enough have been used this season to warrant a lone award. I don`t know if Almunia actually qualifies as a goalkeeper anymore, as with each passing game he plays more and more like he`s just found himself the nearest to the goal in a game using schoolboy fly keeper rules.

Fabianski is decent enough, until a cross comes in and he looks like a man trying to swat a wasp with his palms.

Vito Mannone seems unable to walk more than five yards without a finger breaking, a thigh tearing or his head dropping off, so that leaves the winner as Wojciech Szczesny. My spell check hates him, but the young Pole is looking like he could be a very good keeper for a very long time.

Comeback of the Season

Jens Lehman turning up again was about as likely a story as Ryan Giggs being allowed to sue Twitter and all of its users (just imagine 10 million stood in the dock at the Old Bailey), but it did raise a smile. The Incredible Hulk of football gave a dressing room speech and generally walked around with the authority of a man who would knock out your teeth if you questioned him, before explaining calmly how best to have them fixed. Sadly though his comeback was all too brief and so the award goes to Johan Djourou.

The Swiss centre half had us all believing he was a Man United spy before this season; taking money out of the club without ever playing. Arsenal`s very own Michael Owen. However he showed why he was worth the wait with a series of composed performances. His distribution is good and not many will sprint past him without tripping him up first. Put him next to an organiser like Phil Jagielka and Djourou could be world class.

Petulant Brat of the Season

No contest on this one as soon as Denilson uttered the words: 'I am a winner and I came here to win trophies but I've been here for five years and won nothing.`

Wenger`s response could and should well have been, 'you were a nobody when you came to this club and we made you a somebody, albeit a lightweight, largely immobile somebody, but a somebody none the less.`

Denilson went to the press in January to deny reports that he was 'going to Barcelona for 10 million.` In the same week Robbie Fowler released a statement denying that he was going back to Liverpool for 52 million and a kangaroo.

Worst Opponents of the Season

Barcelona win this one hands down. Not in the sense they`re a bad team to watch; their football is stunning, and their work rate staggering, but in the way they win.

If ever anybody wanted to produce a pilot for a 'football on ice` TV show, then they should look no further than a Barcelona fixture. It`d funny if it wasn`t such obvious cheating.

A winning team they may be, but to be truly great they have to learn to play without gamesmanship, racial abuse of opponents and diving. Only then can they justifiably claim to be 'more than a club.`

The Ha ha ha you`re relegated Award

Barry Ferguson. It`s important to say at this point in no way do I find the relegation of Birmingham City amusing. Well not that much. OK a little. But not as funny as the tears that ran down Barry Ferguson`s cheeks when the last game finished. All it needed was Laurent Koscielny to return the Carling Cup favour, jog past and push his face as he sobbed. The Premiership will be a better place without the little thug.

He wasn`t that bad Award

Andrei Arshavin came joint top of the Premiership assists table, not bad for a player who according to the press has spent the entire season sat down in opponents` areas complaining about the weather. He might not have played as well as last season, but he still managed to set up 3 times as many goals as Gareth Bale. Although to be fair, Bale was busy converting water to wine, strapping black tape to his legs and sending love hearts to his girlfriend.

It`s worth repeating Arshavin came top of the league for assists. Nobody set up more goals than him. If that`s underachievement then it`s not possible to achieve.

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The Journalist

Writer: Lewis Wright Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Friday May 27 2011

Time: 10:31AM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
Nice piece. But Szczesny made some much more petulant comments than enilson just prior to signing his contract. It seems to me as though Almunia had "monkey rush2 rules very much in mind at West Brom!
Little Dutch
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 11:19:00

we claim an assist in the The Ha ha ha you`re relegated Award !
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 11:49:00

While Arshavin does look good on a spreadsheet what he does on the pitch is much more important. As you point out in terms of goals contributed he's better then Bale (and Nasri and Walcott and Wilshere and Valencia) but that only tells you 'what' happened, not 'how' or 'why' which is a lot more important imo
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 12:11:00

While you have a good point phartman, the media and fan reaction to Arshavin's form this season was exaggerated as well. He had a much better season that he was given credit for. Arshavin's past performances and what he is capable of was what caused the fans and media to judge him harshly.
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 12:34:00

Man I wish Koscielny was able to repay the favour to Ferguson. It's kinda ironic though that the Carling Cup final loss cost is the possibility of going on to win things, but the Carling Cup win for Brum probably helped condem them to championship football next season because they went on an horrendous run after the win.
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 12:38:00

Deltaforce - Very good point. The media (and the majority of internet blogs/forums) feed on hysteria. Unless you know where to go you don't get reasonable, well thought out arguments. The reason for the criticism is that people expected so much more, though he wasn't the game changer, he did contribute which overall means he had an average season (which tbf is what the article says in hindsight). Unfortunately bland, honest opinions just don't make interesting reading
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 13:28:00

In fairness, Birmingham's run prior to the Carling Cup Final was pretty much symmetrical to what it was afterwards. Though Zigic and Martins- Brum's scorers in the Final, played a combined 3 games after Wembley. If only they'd have been crocked earlier!
Little Dutch
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 13:35:00

And Martins could've put that chance away on crutches.
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 13:52:00

Arshavin would've come top of the PL assists tally had not Nani, Drogba and Fabregas created more. At least he did as well as Baines, Brunt, Rooney and Ashley Young.
Report Abuse
27/05/2011 22:24:00

I dreaded seeing Martins come on that day. It was just as if I knew he would spoil the day for us. Although I didn't know that two of our players would play a part in it as well.
Report Abuse
28/05/2011 11:58:00

This Is My Message To Robin fack Persie : If He Thinks that he can Cover His Bad Footballing with Bull*****s , Then He Is a Really Classy Faggot !-------- The Day's Not Over RVP ! Come to the Bridge Next Season and You'll Definitely Enjoy The Rest Of the Party ............. I'm Sure You'll Wish your mama was died before you come out of that Bitch's Belly Then
The Persian
Report Abuse
02/06/2011 17:31:00

And people say Chelsea fans are nothing but knuckle dragging Chavs........
Little Dutch
Report Abuse
03/06/2011 00:23:00

"Imagine if a bank lost all its money then gave huge bonuses to those who led it to its demise. We just wouldn`t put up with it." The Irish seem to be fairly okay with that practice! Good article though. Spot on with the bit on Denilson. There's no player I'd rather see the back of.
Report Abuse
11/06/2011 23:37:00


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