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Bellend of the Season 2010-11

Bellend of the Season 2010-11

Bellend of the Season is always such a difficult award to distribute. Football is an opera that is played against a concerto of strong feeling, often governed by dislike as rivalry calls the conductor`s tune. As such, we spend as much time expending bile at those we despise as we do purring over the skills of those we adore. In fact, a lot of football fans just use the sport as an organ of bile all the time, especially against the teams they profess to support. The inaugural award in 2008-09 was snaffooed by none other than Phil Brown- who has experienced two consecutive relegations since. Tony Pulis regular outpourings of cretinous bile earned him the 2009-10 award. 2010-11 again gives us a plethora of candidates.

Upton Park has been the go to place for shambolic buffoonery and no two individuals better personify that idiocy than the brothers Grim- David`s Gold and Sullivan. Two men once memorably downsized by Simon Jordan when he dismissed them thusly, "That`s about what you expect from two men that sell dildos for a living." Quite. From branding a home game in November as the "Save Our Season" game, to admitting not turning up for an away game at Manchester City so resigned were they to defeat, to the bungling attempt to replace Avram Grant, the smut peddlers have been treading in PR cow pat all season.

Then of course we have Barry Ferguson, whose tremendously Corinthian gesture whilst celebrating Birmingham`s Carling Cup Final winner was to mock the prone Laurent Koscielny by ruffling his hair. I hope to Dennis above that as Ferguson lay on the turf in tears at White Hart Lane that he thought of that moment as he contemplated the pain of relegation. Enjoy the Championship won`t you f***face? Oh I`m sorry Bazza, low blow? Here let me ruffle your hair and comfort you. You weapon.

But this year`s Bellend of the Season takes the bellend biscuit. Whatever your partisan club leanings, I`ve a feeling the forum will not hum with disagreement this year. Football fans of the world unite, for a man capable of an unremitting mandate of unpleasantness; his every utterance brings decent football fans out in hives. The bard of bellendery, the Wordsworth of wazzockery, 2010-11`s Bellend of the Season, the plutocratic pillock Mr. Josef Sepp Blatter.

Blatter of course has a long history of the sort of insular lack of self aware statements that make one cringe and want to vomit blood. From his bureaucratic brainwave of making female footballers play in tighter shorts to attract crowds, to his shockingly hypocritical statement that "Fifa cannot sit by and see greed rule the football world. Nor shall we." Well, mission accomplished there Sepp! His unctuous outpourings make one grimace, as though one has just accidentally taken a swig from a bottle of piss. You`ve seen that Simpson`s episode where Mr. Burns, in an attempt to be loved by a hostile public, tries to alter his image to become a nice person and, in doing so, ends up coming across as roughly three thousand times more evil?

Blatter is football`s most arch politician, forget the expenses scandal, this man has had his snout in the trough so long that he`s grown a curly tail and started to go oink oink. Make no mistake, under his tutelage FIFA has a free meal ticket to rape a country rotten. Let`s examine this quote from 2007, "There is a movement in club football, which I don't necessarily consider a prime example of solidarity, because it leads us to conclude the rich are getting richer and they are using everything in the market to create an exodus from Africa."

What a beautiful sentiment Sepp. Thing is, under your rule, FIFA is a registered charity, therefore meaning it pays no tax. A multi-million dollar enterprise like FIFA that happily puts its hand in the tills of Coca Cola, Budweiser and adidas pays no tax on its earnings and no tax to places such as, ooooh, let`s see, where was the last World Cup held? South Africa. Sepp of course boasted about his legacy, bringing football`s unifying umbrella to an economy in need of a boost. Except Sepp and his cronies left no such legacy, just the faint imprint of teeth marks as he and his cronies sucked every last drop from the teat of the country before filling his boots with filthy lucre and boarding the gravy train back to Switzerland. (It is, of course, a complete coincidence that FIFA are based in Switzerland, where they can hide certain financial details). Of course, FIFA demands diplomatic immunity from all World Cup host countries, meaning no FIFA delegates can be prosecuted in the host nation for the duration of the finals. A free meal ticket if ever there was one. Blatter is the biggest bastion of football`s banana republic.

But of course Sepp lining his pockets in South Africa was only the start of his season of chicanery. The absolute shambles that was the World Cup bid in November saw open season declared on Sepp`s age of avarice. With the British media exposing incident after incident of FIFA corruption and glad handling, the World Cup, quite coincidentally, went to the two most oil rich bidders with the two least intrusive media institutions. Quelle surprise. Qatar does not even meet the most basic codified FIFA mandate of needing six separate host cities, such is its size. But that didn`t matter to Blatter and his band of bureaucrats. If you`ve got the green, you`ve got the gig. Blatter`s reign has come to such a level of greed that his organisation scarcely bothers to even hide it anymore.

Then of course we have the recent fiasco as FIFA delegates were, once again, exposed as the conniving corrupticos we all suspect them to be. Of course, the "FIFA Family" conducted a thorough and transparent internal investigation and, errr, no charges guv. Oh, apart from Sepp`s opposing candidate for the Presidency. He got banned. If FIFA was a country, NATO would have begun bombing it by now. A network of power hungry, self preserving old men who live off the game, not for it. The thing is, they don`t even do anything worthwhile. All they do is bestow hosting rights for the World Cup. It`s a farce that an unaccountable organisation has been able to wrest this level of gerrymandering for so long.

In Sepp`s plutocratic design, each FIFA delegate gets one vote. Which declares something of a spring break style party season for the "FIFA Family." (Another sickening Blatterism, the Manson`s were a family as well you know). A situation has been sculpted whereby delegates are to be wooed, wined and dined in return for votes. They barely make any attempt to hide it so desperate are they to cling to their free meal ticket. For instance, no bones were made about a friendly England granted to Trinidad & Tobago in 2006 being a gift to Jack Warner in return for his vote for England's World Cup bid. But just so we`re clear, all bids are considered on the strength of their merits as host nations, yeah? Such base corruption should appal even the most Machiavellian individual.

Blatter`s press conference a week last Sunday, in reference to the stinking edifice that is the world`s governing body, was crazy making. He slammed journalists that had the temerity to question him. Full of hubris he declared, ""I thought we were living in a world of fair play, respect and discipline but I must unfortunately say this is no longer the case because our pyramid, the famous Fifa pyramid, is suddenly unsure on its basis and there is danger." Is anyone genuinely stupid enough to buy such self piteous piffle? As head of an organization that has been exposed for massive levels of corruption, it is unacceptable (as well as unbelievable) to say you had no idea it`s been going on. At worst, you`re implicit, at best; you`re in dereliction of duty as President.

I can`t think of a single football fan that isn`t utterly fed up with this power hungry, deluded despot trussing himself up in the Emperor`s Clothes as he lords it over his kangaroo court of boot lickers. FIFA is the perfect example of an organization that serves nobody but itself. The situationists once daubed on Parisian walls, "Give me structures that serve people, not people that serve structures." Blatter has presided over an organization that has gone rotten to its very core to the point that it needs a bloody flamethrower taking to it. No replastering, the structure is rotten. It wouldn`t solve all of FIFA`s ills, but removing blowing Blatter out of his bellicose cave would be a fine start to a pleasing revolution in world football. Sepp Blatter, you my friend, are a proper bellend.LD.

Follow me on twitter @LittleDutchVA

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.

Writer:Tim Stillman
Date:Monday June 6 2011
Time: 10:45PM


I love how on Wikipedia his list for controversy and corruption is longer than his list of changes his made to the game and even then half those changes never stuck. Can't imagine a revolution anytime soon unfortunately.
06/06/2011 23:27:00
As if to put a massive helmet-shaped full stop on Blatter's Bellend of the season award he has just appointed Opera singer Placido Domingo as part of a "council of wisdom" (f*** off Blatter you putrid c***biscuit) to advise FIFA on what's wrong in football. I'll tell you what's wrong in football, it's f***ing corrupt slapheads like yourself appointing Spanish crooners to adivse you on something not even a mouldy turd would need advising on. If you're allowing your members to vote on the host nation of a World Cup on the basis that "They want to Falklands back" or that "Voting for the USA would be like voting for England, and that's not going to happen" then you've only got yourself to blame when someone sneaks into your room in the middle of the night, superglues your balls to your leg and throws you down the stairs for the good of football. Bell end.
07/06/2011 00:56:00
LD, being Australian, I am not sure how I feel about a farcical institution such as Fifa being branded a Kangaroo court. I can assure you that our Kangaroo courts are free of corruption ;) What just absolutely boggles my mind is that FIFA, the world governing body of the world's most popular sport, seems to have nobody to report to, no checks and balances system at all. One of those hazy areas of international law I suppose. But, given that Fifa have an annual budget comparable to many countries in the world, surely somebody has to stand up and pay attention. That they have re-elected a president unopposed is a massive massive flag that things are amiss. Who is going to change this I wonder? I read an interesting article on it all in the Guardian the other day if anyone is interested:
07/06/2011 06:01:00
To true jl13, if in any country, a state leader runs unopposed (for the second time) for a fourth term, they're instantly labelled a dictator. How is this any different?
Ozi Gooner
07/06/2011 07:32:00
"Corruptis in Extremis" - Great article, what is there to be done though? There needs some strong european nations to threaten to pull out of the WC & start their own. Maybe the PL to stick 2 fingers up and use goal line technology - what's he gonna do about it? Others would follow suit when it clearly starts to work.
07/06/2011 09:00:00
Great article. Although you forgot to mention how him and his organisation have continued to shat all over any effort at reforming the game to introduce goal-line technology at the very least. "It's so much better if the ref struggles almost alone and gets so many decisions wrong that millions of fans want to kill him and the players spend large chunks of the game surrounding him and bickering". Football definitely the winner there. When FIFA set up camp here in South Africa our press were forbidden from running certain articles and they imposed an actual ban on public protest against anything. Nevermind all the financial restrictions and arresting street vendors who dared venture near the stadiums with non-sponsor products. Facist (unt monkeys.
07/06/2011 10:23:00
07/06/2011 13:36:00
Great article. He makes me feel sick! What's even more scary is that the front runner for the President in 4 years time is Michel Platini! While i wouldnt call Platini corrupt, i would call him an anglophobic bell end.
07/06/2011 15:09:00
Sorry Mr. Stillman, all this Blatter blather is, unfortunately, far too late, World Cup 2018 hosting attempt too late...and it smacks of sour grapes. Blatter is indeed a low grade poor impersonation of a swiss poodlefaker, but football has known this for some time. The fact that Ingerlund were prepared to play along (designer handbags for the wives of FIFA delegates...... anyone?) and then cry foul when it all goes tits up, somewhat diminishes the moral argument, and any accusations directed at the big swiss cheese, are, pertinently, full of holes. Love the alliteration though....trying to secure a copy-writing job at Tokspoor, as Alan Brazil might gurn? Pip pip.
07/06/2011 18:11:00
I think if you knew Tim's views on International football then you'd know this definately isn't a case of sour grapes, more of a case of calling a spade a spade ... or a bellend a bellend if you will.
07/06/2011 19:32:00
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