Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Friday November 18 2011
Do you know what I haven`t done in a while? Made up a load of old guff that is in absolutely no way true whatsoever.
"SOME OF MY BEST FOOTMEN ARE BLACK," SAYS BLADDER.
Democratically elected and in no way murky FIFA President Septic Bladder has moved to dispel another racism row that threatens to besmirch FIFA`s otherwise flawless public image. In an interview given on Wednesday afternoon, the fusty old relic controversially argued that any incidences of on pitch racial abuse should be settled with a seven course lunch on a beach in Dubai.
But when some pesky blacktivists pointed out that such a laissez-faire attitude is not becoming of the dictator- (nee President) of World Football, Bladder was swift to retort. "Those complaining really need to get back in their tents. The great Septic Bladder, saviour of world football, would never condone racism. If you look, you`ll see I`ve given jobs to hundreds of black men."
Gesticulating wildly towards his indoor lagoon, Bladder continued, "Like Marcus over there. He makes sure my Jacuzzi stays filled to the brim with children`s tears all year round. And dear young Rufus, whose job it is to treat my whale skin boots with fresh otter`s jizz. So you can see that Septic Bladder is not racist. In fact, there was one time I even shared a straw with Jack Warner," he added, nodding furtively.
"And him there," Bladder continued, "That`s Rutiger. He cleans my dirties."
TERRY PONDERS NEXT MOVE IN QUEST TO BECOME WORLD`S MOST DESPICABLE INDIVIDUAL
Chelsea and England captain John Terry has opened his heart to the press about his recent difficulties in facing a new set of allegations. With a criminal investigation ongoing around comments made to Anton Ferdinand, Terry sighed, "I feel like I`ve got that dreaded 'difficult third album syndrome."
"I mean, insulting American tourists on September 11th, shagging teammates` significant others, parking in disabled bays, snotting all over an opponent in a Champions League Final, family misdemeanours, allegations of racial abuse, I just feel like people aren`t surprised anymore. People already know John Terry is a proper piece of sh*t."
Whilst bludgeoning a newborn puppy, Terry continued, "I saw a trailer for that new Thatcher film the other day and that`s when it struck me. You know, that`s the level I`m aiming for. At the moment I am undeniably evil, but I want to make the next step into evil," he said, emphasising the 'I` sound.
"But how to do it? A ruck with the unions? Maybe I could sponsor the ethnic cleansing programme of a South American despot? But the big corporations already seem to have that market cornered. Oh well," he sighed, "I guess I`ll just have to keep setting kittens on fire until I work it out."
REDKNAPP REFUSES TO BE DRAWN ON "TOP, TOP JUDGE"
Spurs manager Harry Redknapp was his typical demure self following increasing questions from reporters over his upcoming court case for alleged tax evasion offences. Pulling up sharply outside Sky Sports News studios, Redknapp peered out of his car window and waited patiently for the first question.
A fawning Nick Collins was first to pipe up, "Your Royal Harryness, what are your thoughts on these clearly vexatious allegations and on a scale of Blatter to 10, how apologetic will the judge be to you for having wasted your precious time so?"
"Well, you know Anthony Leonard QC is a top, top judge," 'Arry declared, "and any court would be lucky to have him. But he belongs to Southwark Crown Court and I can`t go about talking about what a top, top practitioner of the British legislature he is, cos that`d be disrespectful to Southwark. But you know, obviously we`ll be talking to him whilst the January window is open so you never know."
VENKY`S TO RENAME EWOOD THE DILDO DOME 'FOR A LAUGH.`
In their never ending plot to make Blackburn Rovers into English football`s laughing stock, Rovers owners The Venky`s have announced plans to rechristen Ewood Park as 'The Supermega Dildo Dome` as from January 2012.
When pressed as to how much Blackburn could expect to earn from such a naming rights deal, co owner Balaji Rao paused briefly from wiping his aris on a Blackburn scarf to tell stunned reporters; "Oh we`re not getting paid for this. In fact, Ann Summers threatened to sue us for breach of copyright, so we`re actually paying them £10m a year for the privilege."
Brother and co-owner Venkatesh waded in at the press conference, "We`re confident that this name reflects the values of Blackburn Rovers Football Club and maximises the impact of our brand….BWWWWAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA! I almost said it with a straight face!"
Balaji allowed his brother to finish up his laughing fit, adding, "Nah, we`re just jossing you. We`ve got a bet with Mike Ashley as to who`s gonna be first to receive a bullet in the mail from one of our own supporters. The loser has to eat jaffa cakes out of the winner`s arse. Given the amount of processed meat we eat, we see Mr. Ashley is none too keen on losing and have raised the stakes. Your move fat boy!" LD.
Follow me on twitter @LittleDutchVA
Date:Friday November 18 2011
Arteta & Mertesacker Ahead Of Albion (Saturday May 23 2015)
Wenger - Albion Focus Will Help Us (Saturday May 23 2015)
Arsenal v West Bromwich Albion (Saturday May 23 2015)
Wenger - Gunners Looking To Sign Off In Style (Friday May 22 2015)
Wenger Thinks Arsenal Will Return To Scoring Ways (Friday May 22 2015)
The Arsenal Walking Wounded List (Friday May 22 2015)
Audio - Wenger On Sunderland Draw (Thursday May 21 2015)
Stats: Arsenal v Sunderland (Thursday May 21 2015)
Quartet Get England Call (Thursday May 21 2015)
Wilshere Enjoyed Being Back (Thursday May 21 2015)
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