Date:Monday November 28 2011
After having almost 24 hours to digest the horrendous news of the tragic death of the Wales manager Gary Speed, I`m still non the clearer on what to write, so I`ll just wing it.
You have moments in your life when somebody tells you something, or you hear it on the radio or see it on tv and it just stops you in your tracks. It`s those times when the old saying "it hit you like a ton of bricks" is it`s most useful, when words actually make you feel a physical reaction, well yesterday was one of those days.
Upstairs, relaxing on a cozy winter Sunday afternoon, when my wife calls up to me asking if I`d heard the news about Gary Speed. Obviously when someone says those words you fear the worst. Oh no he`s been killed in a car accident or something. But no, I`m told he`d committed suicide. Wow. Bricks everywhere.
I`m sure every person reading this has had some dark times in their life, the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, financial circumstances spiralling out of control or health problems that just feel they`re too much to take.
I myself suffered from depression for many years, and there were times in my life when I felt that ending it all would be the best course of action, but those thoughts, even in my darkest hours, were as close as it came for me, my own personal feeling of self preservation was too strong to contemplate further my life`s final action.
So knowing how utterly horrible I felt, because of this simple chemical imbalance in my head, how futile and pointless life felt at the time, and I was still unable to act on some passing thoughts, yesterday my dominating thoughts were not about how we`d lost a great personality of football and a seeming genuinely nice guy, it wasn`t thoughts for Gary`s family, though those were all thoughts that entered my head, no, my main thoughts were for Gary himself.
I tried hard, and failed to comprehend what could possibly be going through Gary`s mind in his final moments, what could possibly have been so bad to make him take such and ultimate and final action, how bad he must have felt for him to be certain there was nothing else that could be done. They were thoughts that brought me deep sorrow for the Welshman.
Such a tragic thing isn`t any more tragic because he`s a football man, a professional and a nice guy, it`s tragic because a human being felt that the greatest gift of life, was no longer worth living.
It just goes to show that money, fame, professional respect amongst your peers means absolutely nothing without a happy and stable mental state. Money can buy you many things, a happy life is not one of those things.
We do have to learn from the tragic loss of Gary Speed, we have to learn to keep a better eye on our mental states and the those of our nearest and dearest, we have to live life with passion and strive to be the best we can be, we have to hug our kids and let them know how proud we are of them, ring our parents for no reason other than to tell them we love them and how greatful we are they brought us into this world and gave us unconditional love. Be thankful for the ones we love and treasure every moment, because we never know when these moments will cease to be.
Thank you Gary for giving us such special moments in football, but most of all thank you for reminding me of how fragile life can be.
Take care Gary, god`s Speed.
Date:Monday November 28 2011
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