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Wenger Wanted For Attempted Murder ...

Arsene Wenger is wanted for attempted murder after an elaborate 9 year assassination plot was uncovered on Saturday evening.

The Arsenal manager undertook a flamboyant attempt at ending the life of Vital Arsenal editor, Rocky7.

The plot came to light following the FA Cup final on May 17th 2014 when it became obvious that the Frenchman had spent the last 9 years trying to sneakily kill the rotund Yorkshire via the means of lethal heart attack.

After 8 seasons without a trophy, Wenger contrived to ensure the Gunners fell 2 goals behind to the un-fancied Hull City within 7 minutes of the start of the FA Cup final only to spurn chance after chance and hitting the woodwork before finally winning the cup in the most dramatic of circumstances in an attempt to induce cardiac arrest in the internet muppet to end his sad little life.

Wenger`s plot was foiled however following a slight oversight. Rocky7`s was able to endure the ordeal as his heart had already been stolen by Arsenal back in 1987.

Arsene Wenger is still at large and was last spotted on the streets of London sporting a soggy shirt and a smile.

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The Journalist

Writer: Rocky7 Mail feedback, articles or suggestions

Date:Saturday May 17 2014

Time: 9:18PM

Your Comments (oldest first)

Change to most recent first
LOL! Lovely, drunken article there Rocky. My heart rate was going so fast and my blood pressure was going up and up, I was an ER candidate for sure too. Arsenal made sure we suffered alright. Now I'm high as a kite!
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17/05/2014 21:33:00

...and I necked 3 glasses of wine in the final ten minutes of that game without even realizing it!
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17/05/2014 21:34:00

Julie!! You've been a member of Vital Arsenal for as long as I remember .... I've been editor here for a long long time .... this is the first trophy we've won since I started here. It feels f*****ng awesome!!!
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17/05/2014 21:38:00

LOL if only some of you lot can be a little more graceful in victory maybe, just maybe the next long wait wouldn't be as long as all of 9 years? Just saying. Good on yer R7 LOL
HGH Magic
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17/05/2014 21:46:00

In what way have we been ungraceful in victory? You want ungraceful, look at your manager! £110M spent to take Chelsea from 3rd to a lofty 3rd! Enjoy your summer :)
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17/05/2014 21:49:00

Ungraceful? Has any Gooner anywhere here disrespected or crowed at Hull City fans? No we have not! Make no mistake, they turned up today and made a real match of it. 2-0 up. They were gutted at the final whistle and rightly so. If we are high, HGH it is among ourselves because we are so sick of the crap we have had to endure about being trophyless. Well Arsene Wenger has just delivered his EIGHTH trophy to our club, overseen transition during the building of a brand new 60,000 seat stadium AND kept us in CL football year after year. That's called legacy. Your manager only thinks of himself. He doesn't give two hoots about your club and one of these days, you will come to see it.
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17/05/2014 22:24:00

Not so much attempted murder by Wenger as attempted suicide. He would have found it difficult to survive a defeat. It's been the pattern our season from the opening game to make it hard for ourselves and then just when you think we can't do it somehow we do. It's been a good season.
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17/05/2014 22:40:00

I think teams might actually might start fearing us again now. With a trophy win, and the ability to fight back, they know we're capable. I just wish they'd stop trying to give me a heart attack. We can compete without having to make a drama out of everything. Still, I guess it adds to the emotion and the legend of the day!
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17/05/2014 22:46:00

Rockys red and white willy for prime minister!!
Chippy Brady
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17/05/2014 23:05:00

Two nil down,
Three two up,
That's how Arsenal won the cup,
With a nick-knack-paddy-whack,
Give a dog a bone,
Aaron Ramsey poked one home!
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17/05/2014 23:07:00

At some point, i think my heart was going at 144 beats per minute. I'm gonna sue come Monday morning. Right let's party hard. Its been a while....a long while.
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17/05/2014 23:07:00

And for those Chavs...hic...they don't even know...hic...the meaning of the word....hic...graceful. The specialist...hic...will ruin u all....hic.... Hurray for the Gunners...hic..hic. Another round, will u please....hic.
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17/05/2014 23:10:00

That's what made the event the exciting spectacle it turned out to be, Rocky. Here I was thinking you had a few beers before the game to dull the effects of any shocks. Hahahaha!
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17/05/2014 23:11:00

Nice poem too. Login' it!
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17/05/2014 23:12:00

What does speyshalist in failyure mean HIc..hic..Guyfox ?
Chippy Brady
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17/05/2014 23:13:00

I recommend that for one of our club songs.
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17/05/2014 23:13:00

Congrats ladies and gentlemen, must be a weight off your shoulders. Do you think Wenger will see this as the time to go out on a high, or do you think he will stay?
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17/05/2014 23:43:00

F*ck this typing **** I'm going to watch the Mighty Gunners on the Tv highlights he he he (ps I'm almost out of vodka) grrrrrrrr
Chippy Brady
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17/05/2014 23:44:00

Ahhh fifthcolumnblue At last a decent true blue. Thanks mate & Yes Wenger will be there for a while yet.
Chippy Brady
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17/05/2014 23:47:00

Massive weight off the shoulders FCB. If only to shut the media up! So happy for Wenger and Rambo too! Perfect day.
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17/05/2014 23:50:00

Congratulations lads!! You've suffered enough. It's party time hahah :)
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18/05/2014 02:01:00

I just want to hug all of you :D
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18/05/2014 03:26:00

Owwwww, my head this morning. Plus I have to make up with my dog who I scared the absolute bejesus out of yesterday.
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18/05/2014 09:59:00

Thank you KC! Rough as *********s this morning! Worth it though!
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18/05/2014 10:26:00

Strangely enough Rock I awoke this morning at 5.45 without a headache? Never mix the grape and the grain mate ;) I'm still wearing my DB10 shirt though I may change into my TH14 Dreamcast shirt later.
Chippy Brady
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18/05/2014 10:37:00

Hahaha, Julie. Poor, poor doggie. I am still dizzy from the ecstasy of that win.
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18/05/2014 10:39:00

Well deserved hangovers all round for everybody. @k.chelski thanks mate respect.
Chippy Brady
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18/05/2014 10:46:00

Julie, tie a Gunners scarf around the dog and have your own parade today.
Chippy Brady
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18/05/2014 10:48:00

I'm still in my Arsenal gear too. Desperately in need of a shower! Been soaking up the love on the net this morning though! Love it.
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18/05/2014 11:20:00

ATTN GOONERS Parade is LIVE on Arsenal Player now.... Come on you reds......
Chippy Brady
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18/05/2014 11:21:00

I am having a hard time adjusting to this new 'AFC state of mind' and label. "Arsenal, 2014 FA Cup ......" Oh, what the media can do to reality!
Report Abuse
18/05/2014 11:30:00

willkommen zurück NYArse xxxxx
Chippy Brady
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18/05/2014 11:42:00

Just want to say congrads to all my fellow gunners all of the globe. Such a grand and joyous feeling we're all sharing!
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19/05/2014 07:42:00

This was great, I do not usually associate wit in discourse with Arsenal fans, but this was good...thanks for bringing the FA Cup a little closer to home, twas getting homesick up in the north, still not at home, but if it stands atop the BPL trophy of 2002, it can maybe see through the slums of London that is North London, its beloved loft at SW6
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19/05/2014 13:25:00

No team has won the FA Cup more than Arsenal GRL. None. The cup is already home, and if it wasn't Stamford Bridge certainly isn't "home" for the cup. In fact Chelsea are way down the list behind Arsenal, Man Utd, Spurs (Heh), Villa, Liverpool, Blackburn and Newcastle. Hell, even West Brom have won the cup the same amount of times as Chelsea, whilst you're not even half way to being able to claim the cup as your own. Typical post 2005 Chelsea fan.
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21/05/2014 17:18:00


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