Writer: Tim Stillman
Date:Monday March 26 2007
Now the Tim Stillman team of the season squad has been selected, it is time for the much more amusing process of electing the wastrels. I should point out that the criteria is not just who has played the worst, but who has played massively below their potential. For example, I am sure Ballack has been better than Damien Francis, but one must have parameters, or else the whole West Ham squad will be on here! Those dogged with injury will also not be included. I would point out to certain posters who have no sense of humour, that this is supposed to be light hearted, and all accusations of prejudice, racism or any furious remonstrations really aren't necessary.
1.Paul ROBINSON- The fat one has been a serial dropper of the clanger this season. His memorable performance at St. James' Park where he was responsible for all three goals in a Spurs defeat, the calamity in Craotia (all keepers should check their area for divots) and his wonderful, 'fat kid running after the ice cream van' impression in our Carling Cup semi final at three point lane stand out. (As well as Ivan Campo's daisy cutter on the opening day). His constant hoofing of the ball and his, ahem, glandular problem, make him a figure of fun amongst supporters of all clubs. Altogether now, 'you're too fat to play in goal.'
2.Lucas NEILL- Has not played badly by any means, but his money driven decision to leave a promising Rovers side for a doomed West Ham make him a succinct villain. Turned down a move to Liverpool because they wouldn't guarantee him a first team place. Err, there probably isn't a player in the world who could make that demand at Anfield, least of all a half decent right back with no Champions Legaue experience and no winners' medals.
5.Anton FERDINAND- Convinced that his famous surname will see him through, Anton is sadly a member of the bling, bling generation. Too much, too young, too high an opinion of himself. Plus, I did not realise Jersey was in the States! Also up on an assault charge, and being investigated for crimes against defending by Alan Hansen for his performance against Reading in a 6-0 reverse.
6.Titus BRAMBLE- Has to be the skipper, a cast iron certainty for selection every season. His wild air shots and positional naivety have once again been a source of despair for Geordie fans (well, the few of them that turn up for games nowadays).
3.Ashley COLE- Again hasn't played particularly badly (nor has he set the world alight). But his propensity towards swerving Bentley's off the road (only 55k a week you say? Tut, tut, tut) and suing the F.A becasue the Stamford Bridge pitch was unplayable have made him the poster boy for terrace hatred. Also, anyone who gives their car keys to Jermaine Pennant must be a bit stoopid, innit bruv?
7.Kieron DYER- Has once again proved that he is totally over rated and only thought of highly by himself with a series of awkward displays. Constantly whines about being played out of position, yet nobody seems to know what that is. Regretably, his only notable moment of the season came at the Grove. D'oh!
8.Michael BALLACK- Strolls on pitch, dives, get's someone booked. Gets himself booked. Picks up £130,000 for his trouble. I don't get it.
4.Didier ZOKORA- Turned down Arsenal apparently. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
11.Matthew ETHERINGTON- One of West Ham's 'baby Bentley' brigade. One half decent season and becomes lazy and complacent. Has been beset by personal problems off the pitch, which is a shame, but mainly he has been stinking the place out on it.
10.Marlon HAREWOOD- See above, but without the excuse of personal problems.
9.Andriy SHEVCHENKO- If Chelsea are patient with him, I am sure he will come good. But Mourinho's ego will ensure this does not happen. I feel for him a bit, has been blamed, by Jose amongst others, for some indifferent Chelsea form around xmas. But really, for a £31m outlay, you expect much more.
16.Nigel REO COKER
17.Juan Pablo ANGEL
Date:Monday March 26 2007
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Team News: Last Game Of The Season (Sunday May 19 2013)
The Squeaky Bum Preview (Friday May 17 2013)
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