Wingers' World

Salut, mon petit pois.

I trust that this morning finds you in fine fettle. The sun is in the sky, alas i am not out and about in it, being stuck in a dark studio.

Champions League final tomorrow night - make the most of it, we're almost out of footy for the summer... these things aside, on viz ze show...

Paolo's a Nut, In' He?

Veteran AC Milan defender, Paolo Maldini, looks set to lead out Rossoneri for the Champions League Final on wednesday.

The 89 year old has successfully undergone reanimation, and doctors say he has been bolstered by the grafting of several new limbs onto his frail, ancient frame, which were 'found', and after several abortive attempts, the surgeons managed to secure the bolt of lightning required and Maldini burst into life at the top of the tower in the lonely, desolate castle that was surrounded by nothing but dark foreboding forest and the baying of wolves.

Head Surgeon, Nicola Urbodyparts, commented after the procedure, 'it worked.. IT WORKED!!! MOOHAHAHAHAHA-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha - haaaaaaa-a-a-a...' before lurching back off to be enveloped in eerie darkness...

Liverpool 'sound, la'

Kop's Israeli manager, Rafa Ben-I-Tez is set to re-vamp the squad during the summer. Set for change are Craig Bellamy and Peter Crouch, with Bellers being given a nice little all-in-one black rubber dress and hair extensions, and Crouch will be sporting next season's must-have, 2 different coloured contact lenses, black lipstick, and 8 inch stilletoes, to make him look more like his hero, Marilyn Manson.

Joint-owner George GillettTheBestAManCanGet said, '4 blades, it's our closest shave yet.

Good luck to Livepool in the Champions League Final tomorrow night - do us all proud and bring the trophy back with you, fellas...

Erik Idle, but not for long

Former England Manager, Sven-Goran Eriksson, has hinted he is close to a return to work.

When questioned as to his likely destination, Sexy Svennis, the ladies' man, said, 'I can't tell you that,' he said. 'Hopefully you will know it soon because if I'm going to take a job for next season it will happen in two or three weeks' time. Otherwise it is too late.'

This is good news for everyone, as it will surely mean a reduction in FA prosecutions for ridiculously minor offences, and speculative charges brought about to help pay off the remainder of Sven's contract. If only Sven had revealed this before the Carling Cup Final, maybe Arsenal wouldn't have been brought to book for Emanuel Adebayor partaking of a rather overzealous game of scissors-paper-stone, during a public barn dance as the final whistle approached.

Wet Sham can be proud that once again, like in '66, they have done their country proud, helping to pay off a large portion of Eriksson's outstanding contract with their £5.5m fine over the Tevez affair...

King Salomon's Whine

The FA Premier League's Dubious Goals Panel, has passed judgement, and left a Mr S. Kalou of SW6 with one less goal, after deciding that a goal scored against Bolt-On was in fact an own goal by the Trotters' keeper. Unfortunately, it didn't see fit to do likewise with Fat Frank's 15 deflected efforts in the same season.

Now if only the FA set up a 'Dubious Title Wins Panel'... after all, it need only research the past 3 seasons...



nd that, for now, as they say, is that. Now get back to work you slackers.

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