Zee-zang! A bumper bundle of Wingers' World for you today, resplendent with long drunken rant from last night which i have decided should remain in unedited, to show me up as the twot that i am!
The following piece is based on true events. The Names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent, or for that matter, the guilty.
These events took place between 7pm - 11pm on Weds 23rd July, in a large Aussie pub by the river.
Did you see anything? Were you there? If so, call 'Drunk Night Owl' on 0800 2-8-2-0 2-8-2-0 (or not, as the number doesn't exist...)
Kop Idol (not) (or 'herbie goes bananas')
Well, lordy lordy, they came, they saw, they scored via a deflected handballed freekick. Yes, i'm biased, due to my mates being 'pool fans, but by jimminy if I'm not enraged by the over-elaboration of 'Pippo' the hippo Inzaghi. He may be slight, but he sure is sh*te. What a lame-arse handball for the first goal. And he celebrated his 2nd like a real little bitch. With any luck his teeth will require major surgery, but to look at the man, you'd think he knows that already. There are some on the AC team i could not possibly begrudge a winners medal, the likes of Maldini and Kaka, Cafu on the bench. All heroic inspiring players who anyone would select in their dream team.
But not Inzaghi. He's a little worm. Good finisher (in fact, excellent touch and slot home for number 2...), but please don't tell me he can be popular amongst his teammates. I'm glad I'm not his teammate. Not only would i put my back out carrying that big golden winners medallion around my neck, but I'd be high-fiving ashley cole across a vip table made out of italian girls bottoms. the question is, where to rest your cigarette?!?! hmm, a tricky one. And on top of it, you'd have to look at Inzaghi's mush every day in training.
But what can you expect when the game is being refereed by Simon Cowell's twisted half brother. Not blessed with Simon's looks, or highness-of-trouserage, brother Herbert (of the Knights of the Cowell Table) could only do his best, letting many a dubious decision go.
This piece may not be funny, but it's heartfelt. I'm writing this drunk, and annoyed. Because the right team didn't win. But that's the beauty of football. You can batter away at the door (heaven knows, we have seen that FAR too many times this season...) only to see the bunch of mongoloids fluke a dodgy goal. It's what makes the game infuriating, inspiring and hopeful all at the same time.
Unlucky to the house of scouse - but next year, i hope we make you look like you all have one leg per player and that we run rings round you, knocking you out in the manner you embarrassed Chelski. And that's quite bad (take that as a compliment!).
Mister Loverman (Shabba)
I was informed last night by 'random man' in the walkabout pub that l'Arse have accepted a £17m bid from Bayern for RvP, in the morning, no less.
Yes, and I have a 12 inch schlong.
Any of my ex's will tell you that the 2nd is blatantly not true, and i suspect that neither is the first.
Rest easy, I really can't see this one going anywhere. RvP, not my schlong (I hope that does, I am sure you can imagine where...).
Said fellow was wearing a Liverpool scarf, but he sounded like he was speaking from the gospel of spud.
Chirpy Cockernee Sparra and all-round-good-egg, Harry 'Bargain Hunt' Redknapp' is reported to be close to signing a quartet of 'star' players. the heavyweights in question are Titus Bramble, Mark Viduka, Hermann Hreidarsson and Sulley Muntari.
well, at least 2 of them are heavyweight. Bramble's arse carries more mass than the centre of a black hole, with his shoulder being his event horizon. Spooky!!! And Messr Viduka is not exactly what you would call svelte.
Oh, and come to think of it, none of them are exactly what I'd call stars, either. Mark the Chunk comes closest. Still he'd be a good signing for Pompey, I guess, but Harry, beware 'Hasselbaink syndrome' - the point at which a once-top striker becomes pants. Just ask Charlton...
Yakkety Yak, Please Come Back
Middlesboro's Nigerian Striker Yakubu (Yakka-Boo to US tv commentators...), one half of the Premiership's widest strike-force, is not for sale, according to Boro manager Gareth Southgate. The England Euro 96 penalty hero said, 'He's a very important player for us and he's not said anything to me about being unhappy.'
So that means he'll sign for some team in Spain next week, then.
Milan to get more 'bite' up front?
Chairman of newly-crowned Champions League Winners AC Milan, Silvio Berlusconi, has expressed his desire to sign the buck-toothed wonder that is Ronaldinho, describing the prospect as 'a dream'. And that\s probably exactly what it will remain.
Berlusconi, a man who has proved time and again that he is a man of the utmost integrity, a man of whom the word 'corruption' does not exist in his vocabulary, told the Barcelona ring-piece (sorry, mouth-piece) that is Marca, 'If he decides to leave Barcelona, I believe that he will come to Milan. He would be wonderful'.
Barcelona must be furious at this blatant attempt to unsettle the star of their team. After all, they'd never do that, oh no, not ever, neeeever eeeever...
*WINGERS WORLD THOUGHT FOR THE DAY**
If an Ivorian striker with 'soul-glow' hair and a bald patch dives in the forest, and no-one is around, does it still count as a penalty? And if no-one's still around after he's fallen, do i get away with shooting the c**t?
And now, the end is near, and so i face, the final curtain... but i shall return with more juicy goodness . Tatty-bye, you hardy souls...