Wingers' World 8 - A Load of Toffee

Well, hello there.

It feels like a monday, but it is in fact a tuesday. Most bizarre.

Bank holidays and all that shizzle, hence no daily dump of wingage yesteryonder.

Little or no news on the Arsenal front, but here's the inside track on what's going on outside the Land of Gooner - keep it to yourself, okay?



Gerrard Urges Rafa to Take the Mickey

According to press reports, Liverpool's Spanish midfielder, Stefano Gerrardo (pronounced 'woo-kash'), has urged his his manager, the well-respected Israeli Rafa Ben-I-Tez, to take the plunge and re-sign the 568ml-sized striker (under EU regulations, the cliché 'pint-sized' has been outlawed) 'little' Mickey Owen.

Owen left Anfield to chance his arm in La Liga, with Real Madrid, but his chances were limited, as Owen's managers were unable to see little Mickey, due to his being seated next to Ronaldo in the dressing room, being obscured by the brazilian's 'fullsome' stomach., and was thus, seldom picked.

Owen later returned to Britain to play for FC Barcodes Howaythelads United. Reports of him being injured whilst on england duty were wide of the mark though. Owen, unfortunately, was placed next to Titus Bramble in the dressing room, and once again fate dealt him a cruel hand when Bramble got up one day and, turning round, accidentally caught owen in the midriff with his left buttock, breaking three ribs...



Skip To Malouda, Darling

Wowee, it's all go-go-go at USAnfield today, with another story emanating from the press, suggesting that Rafa the Guffer (wind problems?) is lining up a move for alleged Arsenal target Florent Malouda, to give his team attacking options down the left-hand side.

a mooted £9m move could be in the offing, and with Lyon due to move to a new ground in 'the nearness of future', whispers doth circulate that Peter the Grouch could go the other way, to form part of the scaffolding for the forthcoming stadium.



Fayed up to Spend A Penny

Mohamed Al Fayed, Fulham Chairman and owner of Harrods, is poised to splash the cash for Lawrie Sanchez, in celebration of his tenth anniversary of buying the club.

Fayed, who by doing this is showing that in no way could anyone possibly think that he considers himself the star of the Fulham setup, and that it would be scurrilous to even raise a question such as 'why did he have to wait until his 10th anniversary before injecting cash into what was obviously a team in need of strengthening?' has pledged to loosen the purse strings for Sanchez, who could be given the princely sum of £5.28 to invest in the side, which might be as much as double the amount made available to Chris Coleman.



Tim Brooks 'Tarsal

Tim Cahill, the annoying Ozzie contracted to the Everton Toffees, is set to join up with his national squad as he continues to recover from his broken metatarsal.

Cahill, 2nd in the 'most annoying twat in the prem' award behind Lily Savage, said, "In two weeks I`ll be right to twist and turn, but I`ll be joining up with the boys in camp this week and running around the pitch and punching the corner flag like a cock.'



Toffees stuck on Frank?

Rumours abound that Everton are planning a £3m raid for Sheffield Wednesday's ex-Arsenal defender, Frankie Simek.

Good luck Frankie, here's hoping you make the move back to the top flight. Just, if you do join the toffees, don't go their xmas party dressed as a corner flag...

Click here to join in the debate on the club forum.